Complete Me(137)

“There’s nothing to talk about. Everything is a secret with you. Everything is a challenge. Everything is a game. This stuff about Sofia. That crap you pulled with Lisa.” It is both easy and hard to say these words. Easy, because they are true. Hard, because though his secrets and shadows drive me nuts, I have accepted them as part of the man that I love. And now I am turning that around, bastardizing it in order to create an escape route.

But I have to. I just need to remember that I have to.

“Goddammit, Nikki, do not come in here and dump this on me and expect me to shrug it off and be done with you. I love you. I am not letting you walk out of this room.” His wounded eyes are scanning my face, and I know I have to get out. Have to run before he sees the truth under this mountain of lies.

“I love you, too,” I say, because it is the only truly honest thing I’ve said since I walked in this room. “But sometimes love isn’t enough.”

I see the shock on his face, and I turn and hurry again toward the elevator. This time, he doesn’t follow, and I don’t know if I’m relieved or brokenhearted.

I step on, keeping my chin high and my eyes wide and dry. Then, as the elevator doors snick shut, I see Damien fall to his knees, his face a mask of pain and horror and loss.

I slide down the polished wall and, finally, lose myself to the violent shaking of my sobs.





Chapter Twenty-Two

I keep Sofia’s scalpels, and every time Damien calls I squeeze my hand tight around the cylindrical handle of the largest one as I force myself not to answer the call. As I tell myself I cannot call him back no matter how much I crave his voice, his touch. And then, in the silence when the ringing stops, I stare at the gleaming blade and wonder why I don’t do it. Why I don’t just use this blade and set free all of this shit that’s boiling inside me, vile and violent.

I fight it back, though. I force myself not to cut.

But I no longer know what I’m fighting for, and I’m desperately afraid that my strength will give out, and one day I will press that blade against my skin, that I will feel the tug of yielding flesh, and that I will finally succumb. I am afraid that I will have to, because there is no other way to live without Damien.

I have not gone to my office for over two weeks now. At first, Damien called me five times each day. Then he dropped to four daily calls for a few days, then three. Now the calls have stopped altogether and the lure of the blade is even more potent.

I know that Jamie and Ollie are worried about me. That doesn’t take a great intellectual leap to figure out because they have both flat out said as much.

“You need to get out,” Jamie says one afternoon as I am on my bed, staring blankly at all the newspaper clippings and bits of memorabilia I was going to use for Damien’s scrapbook. “Just to the corner. Just for a drink.”

I shake my head.

“Dammit, Nicholas, I’m worried about you.”

I lift my head to look at her, and when I do, I see my reflection. My face is gray and there are circles under my eyes. My unwashed hair hangs limp around my face. I do not recognize myself. “I’m worried about me, too,” I say.

“Jesus, Nik.” I hear fear in her voice, and she comes to sit on the bed beside me. “You’re really scaring me. I don’t know what to do here. Tell me what you need.”

But I can’t. Because what I need I can’t have.

What I need is Damien.

“You did the right thing,” she says gently. I have told her and Ollie the truth about what I did and why I broke it off. I couldn’t keep the secret any longer. I have not told Evelyn that we broke up, but she heard the news anyway. I have not taken her calls; I’m too afraid of what she will say.