Chasing Spring(34)

He broke the kiss and I propped my hands on the bathroom sink, trying hard to stay upright on my own.

“That’s what I need,” he said before storming out of the bathroom and leaving me swaying back and forth on the sink, searching for the heart he’d just ripped from my chest.

I flipped the bathroom light and the room went dark. I’d never asked him to take me to the gray. I was perfectly happy living in the black.





Chapter Thirty-Seven


Chase





I slammed my bedroom door behind me and flipped on the light. Harvey had been asleep on my bed, and the noise from the door jarred him awake. My back rested against the cold wood as I watched Harvey watching me. His eyes were wide as he waited for my next move, but I didn't have a next move.

I hated how stubbornly I loved Lilah. She could tear me in two and I’d still come back. A dark part of me wanted to hate her. It'd be so much easier if I thought she was as evil as she thought she was, but I knew the secret she tried so hard to hide: she was scared shitless, scared of letting anything happen between us, scared of looking past everyone’s flaws to get to the real meat of life.

I’d thought she'd left the baseball game early. I'd concentrated hard on the game, knowing she was up in the stands watching me. When the game had ended and I’d looked up to find her seat empty, it had hurt more than I cared to admit. I’d gone through the motions of postgame traditions. We’d passed out roses to the Diamond Girls and then Connor had dragged me to his house for a party. I hadn’t wanted to go; I’d wanted to hunt Lilah down and force her to explain why she couldn't be there for me even once.

After four beers at Connor's house, I’d told myself Kimberly was who I belonged with. She was pretty and simple—so f*cking simple it made no sense why I wasn't into her. She never let me down, she never moved away, she never pretended not to love me.

I never should have kissed her.

“I don't like you any more,” Kimberly laughed as I stepped away. “And you definitely don't like me either.”

I cringed.

She shrugged. “I think every girl at our high school has had a crush on you at least once, but I think I'm finally over you. Brian and I have been hanging out lately and he asked me to go out on a date with him next weekend.”

I couldn't believe Brian had actually worked up the courage to ask her out.

“And...obviously you're so in love with Lilah you can't even see straight.”

I wiped my hand down my face. “Yeah, well I'm not sure that will ever be reciprocated.”

She laughed. “Are you kidding? Did you not hear what I just said? Every girl has had a crush on you, and even Lilah Calloway isn’t immune to your charms. She was staring at you the whole time. If her dad wasn’t the coach, I would’ve assumed she had never seen a game of baseball before.”

I narrowed my eyes, trying to figure out if Kimberly was telling the truth. She had nothing to gain from lying, so I shrugged and changed the subject.

“Don't tell Brian about that kiss. I'm drunk.”

She laughed. “Consider it closure.”

Harvey slid off the bed to sniff around my heels. I leaned down to pet him, trying to work out if I needed to go on a late night run. I had too much energy to sleep, but I knew I’d throw up as soon as my feet hit the pavement. Instead, I reached under my bed for my tools and my box of cameras. I dropped the box onto my desk and rifled through it until I found the slim brown case at the very bottom. Inside, there was a vintage Leica M3 I’d found online a few months earlier. It was from 1952 and had been almost beyond repair when it’d first arrived. I’d been working on it slowly, trying to prolong the process so that I wouldn’t finish and then have to sell it. It was a rare find, worth too much to keep, but now I had a better idea for it.





Chapter Thirty-Eight


Lilah





After the most restless night of sleep I’d ever had, I lay in bed listening to the sounds of our aging house and trying to ignore the sinking feeling in my gut. It was a physical sign of my stress and I knew it wouldn’t go away until I straightened out the creases of my life. Chase was the first item on that list.

How could he look at me every day when I had the same green eyes as my mother? I was a part of her no matter how hard I tried to pretend I wasn’t. He could pull me into the gray, we could pretend that we were good and happy there, but in the end, we’d always be living with ghosts.

I pushed my blankets off me and crawled out of bed. The house stayed quiet as I threw on a t-shirt and the same pair of tattered jeans I’d always worn when I gardened. There were holes in the knees from leaning down to dig in the dirt, but they fit me well and I couldn't bear the thought of replacing them.

Once my gardening gloves were shoved into my back pocket, I opened my door and stepped out into the hallway. Chase's door was closed, and the gap between the door and the carpet was dark; he was still asleep. I stepped past his room and headed down the stairs in search of a banana and some water. I'd take a break later to have a real breakfast; I was anxious to get started.

It was early in the season, but I was growing my plants from seeds and in Texas it’s better to get started early or the crops have to wrestle with summer heat. As I stepped out onto the porch, I took a deep breath and tried to ignore the lingering knot in my stomach.