Chasing Spring(31)

“He's one of the best pitchers in the state. He might get drafted for the big leagues, but if not, he’ll definitely play college ball,” Kimberly said, pulling me out of my haze.

I turned to find her watching him with stars in her eyes, and I realized I’d looked just like her a moment before.

A few minutes later, I spotted my dad standing at the entrance of the dugout, leaning against the metal frame in his own version of the team’s uniform. He spit out the shell of a sunflower seed and patted Chase’s shoulder as he ran by. Whatever encouragement he’d offered, I couldn’t hear it up in the stands.

“I'll be right back,” I said to Kimberly as I hopped down the stairs toward my dad. My movement caught his eye and for a moment he let his “coach” face slip. He smiled wide and tugged his hat from his head. There was a layer of sweat collected on his tan forehead, but he wiped it off with his forearm.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a few women watching his every move; I wondered how many of them wished he'd finally settle back down. I shivered at the thought. I wasn't ready for another mom figure; I was still trying to get over the first one.

When he hit the railing, I bent down so he could reach up and give me a quick, sweaty hug.

“Hi Dad.”

“Hi Lil. I'm glad you're here,” he said with a warm smile.

“Wouldn't miss a scrimmage for the world,” I joked as I stood back to my full height.

He laughed and shook his head. “Wait for me after the game. We'll go grab some pizza.”

“Okay. Good luck,” I said, starting to edge away from the railing just as Chase walked out of the dugout. His baseball cap was pulled low, blocking the light from his hazel eyes so that they were shadowed and dark. His smile slowly unpeeled as his gaze locked onto me. I could practically hear his thought: You showed up. We didn't say anything in that brief moment. The scrimmage was starting soon and he needed to stay focused, but that smile unraveled the strings around my heart, loosening their grip so that he could take hold even more. I shrugged and he smiled even wider, revealing his set of dimples before his teammates stepped out of the dugout to take the field.

He moved to stand in line and I stepped back to take my seat beside Kimberly. As each player from Blackwater was announced, his “Diamond Girl” stood and cheered with a sign that had the player's name on it. I tried to tell myself it didn't mean anything when Kimberly stood for Chase. She waved her sign wildly, causing a few pieces of glitter to fly off and land on my legs. I stared down at the gold specs as a dark, twisted feeling started to overtake my thoughts.

I’m a fraud.

Kimberly had been there watching and supporting Chase for the last two years. She made signs for him and wore his name on her shirt, and two weeks earlier I hadn’t even been on speaking terms with him.

“Sorry about all this obnoxiousness,” Kimberly laughed, setting her poster down at her feet. “It's all tradition so we kind of just go with it.”

I smiled tightly. “No, it's okay. I'm really glad Chase has you.”

She stared at me for a moment, confused, but I turned toward the field before she could speak up.

The scrimmage began as expected, and I quickly learned the Diamond Girls were a sort of quasi-cheering section for the baseball team. They had chants for every moment of the game: between innings, when the other team went up to bat, and when their designated player made a play. Sometimes they'd chant while sitting down, but most of the time they all stood to do a little cheer and the crowd would join them.

The entire time, I fidgeted in my seat, feeling so horribly out of place that I wished I could have disappeared. I tried to concentrate on the game as best as I could. Chase was playing well, striking out player after player as the innings proceeded, but the pit in my stomach still grew, demanding to be felt.

“What are you doing after the game?” Kimberly asked after she and the Diamond Girls had wrapped up one particularly loud chant. I could feel her studying me, but I kept my eyes on the field.

“Oh, um, my dad said something about getting pizza.”

I could see her smile out of the corner of my eyes. “Cool. I think we're going to go grab food with the team and then hang out somewhere after. Do you want me to text you wherever we end up?”

A normal, well-adjusted teenager would have said yes, but I didn't feel like hanging out with the Diamond Girls and the rest of the baseball team. I could picture myself sitting off to the side, feeling awkward and out of place. I appreciated her wanting to include me, but it just felt forced.

That's when I finally realized I didn't really fit in anywhere at my high school, not with the stoners, and not with the popular kids. My hiatus in Austin had succeeded in separating me from everyone. I was a complete loner.

“It's okay,” I told her. “I woke up really early so I'll probably crash tonight.”

Just as I finished explaining my lame excuse, my phone rang in my purse. I felt the vibration against my leg as I bent down to retrieve it. Ashley's name flashed across the screen and my gut clenched. She and I hadn't talked since the day before in the hallway.

I motioned to Kimberly that I was going to take the call and then walked down beneath the bleachers so I could talk without the noise from the crowd.

“Hey Ashley,” I answered when I'd rounded the corner behind the restrooms.