Breathe Out (Just Breathe, #2)(35)
I sit at a distant chair by the long table, holding on to Jade as Sadie whimpers, trying to lay across Jade and me. Nǎinai and M?qīn bring me some tea and food once I get settled. Neither of them say a word to me, but their appreciation and love is seen in their gaze under their sadness. Jared and Joe reposition themselves closer to me, but they don’t say anything. The family remains silent for a long while as if they are waiting for me to say something. I dodge making eye contact with mostly everyone. At some point, Jade reaches and hands me my tea, but I refuse to take it at first. Jade stays on my lap and tries to get me to eat. I know I should, but the nausea is making even the thought of it appalling.
“What’s wrong with Maggie?” Jade asks me quietly.
“She’s not feeling well, sweetie,” I offer in a low voice.
“I heard Nǎinai mention a baby,” Jade informs. “What baby?”
Aware that I can’t evade her question, I answer honestly. “Maggie’s baby.”
“When did she have a baby? I never saw it grow in her belly.”
“It was just starting to grow, honey,” I say with a sniffle.
“Did God take her . . . the baby, like He took your parents?” she innocently asks.
“Yes,” my voice cracks.
Jade wraps her arms around my neck. “I love you, Emma.”
“I love you, sweetie,” I say, allowing a tear or two to fall as I squeeze her tight to my body.
Conversations slowly strike back up throughout the family until everyone eventually ventures into the house to rest. I take Jade into my room with me for several reasons. She’s asleep, and she’s my leverage to escape anyone who may want to come with me. Sadie curls up with us and sleep subdues me quickly.
The next morning, after a restless night, I learn that because a miscarriage is the death of a child, Chinese tradition dictates that no funeral rites are performed since respect cannot be shown to a younger person, causing the child to be buried in silence. Seeking Ava’s help, I find out where she put Maggie’s blood-stained nightgown and dig a hole in the backyard, burying them myself. As I start to cover the box, Maggie’s gardener, Jose, brings me a small rose bush to add to the grave. Later in the day, I see Nǎinai in front of the roses, lighting some incense and bowing in prayer. Compelled by my love for Maggie and my family, I join Nǎinai. We don’t talk or say our prayers aloud, but words don’t seem to be necessary at the moment.
Other than when Jade spoke to me last night, and this morning to get the stuff from Ava, I have yet to speak to anyone. I do let Jared closer and seek to console him as well as myself, but it becomes too painful at times. Nathan and Pop-Pop tentatively comfort me as well, but don’t force it. M?qīn and F?qīn sit by me, and on occasion, they both place their hands on my arms, legs or shoulders. When I make eye contact, they bow in silence, expressing their gratitude.
By Friday afternoon, Maggie and Henry emerge from their room to join us temporarily. Maggie appears despondent and distant, but who can blame her. Jade tries to console her, but I see the pain in Maggie’s face — she was hoping to have a little girl.
Henry makes a point to hug me once Maggie is occupied by her mother and Mrs. Wu. He holds me for a long while and I don’t mind it, comforted by the embrace. We don’t say anything, able to express ourselves enough with just our bodies.
I sneak away from the house after dinner, taking Sadie home with me. Arnold arranges for Deacon, Maggie’s assigned driver and bodyguard, to drive me home. When I get back, I make sure the security latch is in place so even with a key, no one can enter. I leave my phone on, but I turn the volume down, only willing to answer the phone for Maggie.
After a little bit of time puttering at home, I realize that I don’t want to be around anyone — I know Jared or someone else may come over. So, I decide to leave town with Sadie and check in to a hotel, determined to be away from everyone for a few days. I don’t tell anyone where I’m going. I need space. I need time. I need to heal.
While at the hotel, I get several text messages from Jared, Nathan, Pop-Pop and Joe checking in on me. They all sound concerned; Jared and Joe the most. When Jared leaves his third voice message, he informs me that he is at my apartment looking for me. Every day he texts and calls trying to get me to answer and announcing that he, Nathan and Pop-Pop are staying at my place waiting for me when they aren’t with Maggie and the family. The one person, Maggie, who I want to call or text doesn’t. I shouldn’t be surprised since she’s got her husband and family with her. I wish she would just tell me what to do.
From the way Jared texts some of his later messages, it’s clear that he and Pop-pop went back to Maggie’s on Sunday, realizing it’s fruitless to expect me to come home while they are there. To play it safe, I stay at the hotel and checkout on Monday morning.
Sixty Two
By late Monday night, I find myself walking over to Joe’s with Sadie. Joe hugs me immediately upon opening the door and we stand connected for a long time without saying a word. When Joe loosens his grip on me, my mouth springs to his. Joe’s lips follow mine eagerly until I push for more physical intimacy.
Joe shakes his head despite keeping his lips glued mine. “Not like this, Emma.”
My body press harder against his as my hands cup his face to hold him still, not wanting to hear his words. Joe’s body immediately responds, but a few seconds later, Joe forces himself away from me. Not taking no for an answer, I start to strip in his foyer, moving to follow his attempts to back away. Joe is swayed to my intent by the time I’ve got nothing but my panties on and my hands down his pants.