Blind Kiss(34)

When I got into my car, I grabbed the gift I had gotten for her and left it on the doorstep before peeling out of her driveway and screeching down the street.





14. Fourteen Years Ago


PENNY

Sitting on my bed alone, I opened the gift-wrapped box from Gavin that he had left on my porch. It was a homemade CD and a leather-bound journal. I popped the CD into my player and immediately recognized the first song, “Just Like a Woman,” sung beautifully by Gavin.

When I opened the journal, I noticed Gavin’s sloppy handwriting on the inside cover.

For you, Little P, to write down all those thoughts you keep from me. I hope it takes our entire lives to fill this thing up because I want to know everything on you mind . . . every day. There are no Carissas or Kimbers that have ever made me feel the way you do. Now start writing away. I’ll leave a little quote here to inspire you . . .

“It’s not what you look at that matters. It’s what you see.”

—Henry David Thoreau

I was crying then. I wasn’t his Carissa. He said he wasn’t in love with me. Why would he be? But why would he write this. Why would he say every day?


WE KEPT OUR distance for the rest of the winter holiday break. I got a cell phone for Christmas and called him, but he didn’t pick up. I left a message so he could have my number. He didn’t return my call.

Once I got back to school, I was busy preparing all day, almost every day for our big spring dance recital. I got coffee at Java Hut with Ling every Wednesday afternoon. I always hoped I’d run into Gavin, just to say hello, but I never saw him. I even went to fill up my car at Pete’s gas station, but he wasn’t working that day. Pete said Gavin had cut back on hours to take an extra course he needed, so I assumed he was busy, too.

One particularly freezing Wednesday, Ling and I huddled together on a bench outside the packed Java Hut and were drinking tea when Lance came walking up. “What’s up, ladies?”

“Lance,” Ling said.

They seemed more familiar with each other than the last time we’d all been together, and I wondered if maybe they’d had a fling after the party. They lived in the same building after all.

In exactly the next moment, the universe decided to take a shit right in my lap: Gavin was walking toward Java Hut, only he wasn’t coming over to say hi to me; he was with some redhead, completely oblivious to me, Ling, and Lance. They were laughing and he was holding her hand as they approached the door to the café. I watched them as if they were moving in slow motion in a movie—slow enough for me to catch the joy in their expressions. I could practically fucking smell their joy, it was so visceral. Lance’s back was to Gavin, but Ling saw the whole scene play out. When I dry heaved, she turned to me and started rubbing my back. I was like every other girl to him, and it was all my fault. He hadn’t even noticed I was sitting there.

“Ahem!” Ling said loudly right before he swung the door open. He glanced over, looking as equally shocked as I was.

He walked up to me, still holding Raspberryhead’s hand. “What are you doing here, Penny?”

I held up my cup. “Drinking tea. Remember? I practically own stock in this place.”

“Right.” He looked nervous.

“Hi, Gavin,” Ling said.

“Hi, um, how are you?”

“Who’s this?” she said, pointing to Raspberryhead.

“Oh sorry.” Gavin ran his hand through his messy hair. “This is Lottie.”

The fuck kind of name is Lottie? Guess not much worse than Penny Piper.

I pointed to Lance. “That’s Lance,” I said.

Understanding spread across Gavin’s face. “Hey man. You’re Penny’s friend, the microbiology major, right?” I had pointed Lance out to Gavin once on our way to the library. Still, I was impressed with his recall.

“Yeah, we’re friends,” Lance replied, uncertainly.

Oh, that word.

Gavin gave me a pointed look. “Penny, can I talk to you for a sec?”

“What about?”

“Privately?”

I huffed but got up anyway and walked a few feet with him. He left Lottie with Ling the Wolf. I almost actually felt sorry for Gavin’s new arm candy.

“What’s up?” I said.

“I thought you had conditioning on Wednesdays and Fridays?”

“Nope, my schedule changed.” I shivered, and he instinctively reached out to rub his hands up and down my arms, something he always did. I jerked away.

“I don’t think Lottie would appreciate that, do you?”

I took him in. God, he was handsome. Why had I turned him down? I’d lost both the possibility of friendship and the dream of something more. The outcome was totally predictable but I had deluded myself into believing I could control our fate. Our “friendship” had started with a life-changing kiss. Why had I thought it would lead anywhere but here?

“I’m sorry for what I said.” He swallowed. “On Christmas Eve.”

“Water under your bridge.”

“I believe the correct saying is ‘water under the bridge.’?”

“I was just making a statement on how you’re clearly over it, so you can consider it water under your bridge. As far as I’m concerned, my valley’s still flooded.”