Blind Kiss(32)

“It’s not. It’s actually very bright and cheery there. Jesus, Penny, you’ve really lost your edge.”

We were at a stoplight. She turned and scowled at me, and then hit the gas a little too hard, forcing the car to lurch forward. “Fine, Horse and Dragon it is.”

Once inside the restaurant, we took our seats at the bar. We always did that. It felt less intimate somehow. We were always trying to avoid intimacy in public.

“What’s new with you, P?”

“Nothing. Same shit, different day. What about you?”

“Well, you know, I sit in my dad’s house and watch him die. That’s pretty much it. I’m putting together a slideshow of pictures for his funeral. I’m already doing that.”

“I know you don’t want to leave him alone, Gavin, but you need to get out more.”

The bartender came over to take our order. “What can I get you two?”

“I’m not ready yet,” Penny said, as she scanned the menu.

“Do you want to share a flight?” I asked.

“I don’t want to drink beer in the middle of the day,” she said absently.

I ordered one beer after another while Penny pushed lettuce around her plate. She wasn’t skinny to an unhealthy degree, but she was very thin and probably borderline anorexic. I wished she’d eat more.

Four beers in and I was starting to feel bold. “Why don’t you eat a hot dog or something? You’ve had four bites of lettuce.”

“Thank you for keeping track,” she said bitterly.

“Have you ever talked to the hubs about how you don’t like to eat?”

“No. Drop it, Gavin. I do like to eat. This is just the size I’m used to. Let’s talk about you,” she said. “I know a girl I can introduce you to.”

I turned and shot her a dirty look. “You pushing me on someone else now?”

“No, I mean a girl to have some fun with. Get laid or whatever. She’s French—like, for-real French. She’s traveling across the country, kind of hippie-ish. She’s a singer in a band and works in that café where they used to do the open mic nights.”

“Joe’s?”

“Yeah.”

“How do you know her?”

“Ling knows her from California. When she was out here last month, she introduced us. She’s supercool. Her name is Briel. Very pretty, in a pixie-ish kind of way.”

“What, like Tinker Bell?”

She elbowed me. “No, you know what I mean. She’ll end up going back to France in a few months. Maybe you can just take her out. Have some fun.”

“Fuck her at my dying father’s house?”

“Oh my God. What is wrong with you? No. She’s in Denver a lot, too.”

Penny was getting frustrated with me. She had enough on her mind. I knew her marriage was suffering, even though she never talked about it. I could just tell. But she was the most loyal person I knew. Even to me. I sometimes called her Pennyloyalty for the Unplugged version of Nirvana’s “Pennyroyal Tea.” She loved dancing to it, and I loved watching her.

It’s hard to understand how a woman could be loyal to two men, or how that even made sense, but it’s possible. She always said, There’s room for secrets in a marriage, but not lies . . . not deception. I think she had read that in some book. She was always fighting for individuality. She didn’t want to be defined or labeled. She hated when I said she was married with children, like it was an insult. But she told me once, I’m Penny. I have dimensions.

She had to have her own life. Things he didn’t know about her. Other relationships that didn’t involve him. She was always trying to define those boundaries with him, but he was overly possessive. Penny was hard to cage, but the guy tried his damnedest to do it. And she loved him. I had to accept that, even though I never understood it. I had been accepting of that for a long time. I would take whatever she would give me as long as she was in my life.

“I don’t want to take anyone out, P. I’m not ready yet. But thanks for trying.” I pulled her to my side and kissed her cheek. She pulled away quickly.

“You have some pretty heavy-duty beer breath. I hope Uncle G doesn’t make a scene at Milo’s school.”

“Have I ever made a scene?”

“Yes, pretty much every time I’m with you.”

“Why stop now? Let’s hit it.” I clapped my hands together and stood up. She shook her head.





13. Fourteen Years Ago


GAVIN

We spent almost every day together. Even through the holiday break. When my mom came from LA to visit, I took her to see Penny dance. She said Penny was phenomenal, and I think my mother was even a bit jealous of her, but I didn’t care.

Penny’s partner, Joey, was still being a dick. I didn’t know how she was able to put up with him, but she was patient. She practiced hard every day. And for me, there was nothing I liked more than watching her do what she loved.

I had Christmas Eve at her house, and her mom prodded me for details about our relationship. I’d been at their house a lot in the last couple of months, and Penny at mine, but we were still just being spoons in a drawer. Nothing went further. I felt like I deserved an award for my restraint. Both of us were studying hard for midterms, so I hadn’t pushed her, but our exams were over now. We had time to figure us out before we had to go back to school. I got a tattoo the week before on the inside of my bicep between two larger designs. It was just the lyrics, in my ears and in my eyes. Penny knew.