Blind Kiss(24)

I frowned. “Thanks.” I hated that I had abused my body so much in my teens and twenties. It was funny, though, that Gavin noticed things like that about me. It added to the long list of comparisons I couldn’t stop making between Gavin and my husband. Like how I could dye my hair orange and my husband wouldn’t even notice, yet Gavin noticed whenever I bought a new T-shirt.

I held out the plates. “I brought you and your dad some pasta with chicken and salad.”

“You didn’t have to do that.” He stood, put his guitar down, and kissed me on the cheek as he took the plates from my hands. “But thank you. Come on in, he’d love to see you.”

There was already a hospital bed in the center of the living room. Frank was lying in it, watching TV. “Sweet Penny,” he said, his voice strained. “I’m so glad to see you, honey.”

I hugged him and kissed the side of his face. “I’m sorry, Frank.”

“Well, I’m not dead yet. You don’t need to go moping around here. Gavin has that covered.” I turned around and looked at Gavin. In the light I finally noticed his eyes were puffy and bloodshot. It seemed like Frank was too young to be dying. He wasn’t even sixty yet.

“Milo will want to see you, I’m sure,” I said.

“Of course. Bring him down.” Frank had occasionally helped me with Milo when I was in a pinch. My husband worked seventy hours a week most of the time. I could leave Milo with Frank when I needed to. The two got so close that he gave Milo his entire collection of baseball cards, and even took him to a Rockies game once. Gavin had never been interested in sports, so it was nice for Frank to have someone to bond with over baseball.

Gavin wrapped his arms around my waist from behind and put his chin on my shoulder. I went rigid.

“Sorry,” he said, but he wouldn’t let go. “Dad, are you gonna tell Penny your brilliant idea? Or should I?”

“I’ll tell her. Why not? It’s a great idea. Well, I just thought while Gavin’s in town, you know . . . maybe you can introduce him to one of your friends? He’ll have this house when I’m gone and . . .”

I jerked my head back, turned around, and glared at Gavin.

“Well, Frank—” I started to say, but he interrupted me.

“You know, ever since he screwed it up with that nice girl Jenn, he’s been back on the market.”

“Dad, I think we’re putting Penny on the spot here.”

That wasn’t really the role I played with Gavin; we generally tried to stay out of each other’s business in that way. The truth was that any matchmaking I did would end in disaster, especially while Gavin was dealing with his dying father.

“I know a girl. I’ll talk to her,” I said, just to make Frank happy.

Gavin laughed through his nose. He knew I was lying.

“Perfect,” Frank said.

A few minutes later, Gavin walked me out to the porch. “So, this girl—”

“Ha. You know I would never subject anyone I know to your shenanigans.”

“Just sit down with me for a sec, P.”

“I have to get back home.” I thought of my husband, waiting upstairs alone for me.

“Five minutes?”

“Fine.” We sat side by side on the cold porch steps. The only light came from the TV inside; even the moon was nowhere to be found. “I think you need to fill me in on some things. Like, how you’re going to inherit this house, and live on the same street as me.”

“I’m not. This isn’t my speed. You know that. I’ll sell it once he passes.” Oddly enough, that hurt my feelings. Was it my speed?

“There are still tattoo artists in Fort Collins, Gavin.”

“You know what I mean. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m down, way down. I feel lost. I was driving the other day and had a weird impulse to floor my car and drive off an on-ramp.”

This was normal Gavin talk. He was always being dramatic. But this time I felt like he had good cause. “Why is it okay for me to live here, but not you?”

“Did you hear me? I said I was going to drive off an on-ramp. Anyway, are you really going to do this to me right now? You really want to know why I can’t live here? Because you have a kid and a husband, and I have no one. Not even a dog. You want to hire me to mow your lawn or some shit, or walk Buckley, or hang out with Milo while you go to five-star dinners with your husband?”

“Are you trying to hurt me now?”

“No, you’re trying to hurt me by making me face these truths right now. Penny, you and I are not the same. Our lives are vastly different. I feel like I ruined mine. I’m lonely as fuck and my dad is going to die in this house, and I’ll be the only one here for him. This is why I told you to have another kid. Milo will be it. It will all be on him. I know how it feels.”

He was hitting below the belt now. “You know I tried to get pregnant again.”

“Did you?”

I stood up to leave.

“Wait. I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair.”

“No, it wasn’t, and by the way, I will be here for you. Me!” I pointed to my chest hard. “As always, Gavin. Maybe you can even order a hot nurse when your time comes.”

“Not funny, Penny.”

I smiled. He could see my face in the TV light, and I could see a small smile playing on his lips, too. “It’s a little funny,” I said. We were the only people we could be this way with.