Big Easy Temptation (The Perfect Gentlemen #3)(83)

“And you don’t, Captain?”

“I work my ass off for my country and my men. I’m not stupid. I’m not going to move much above where I am now. I might get a better ship because I’m damn good at my job, but after the scandal with my father my name is crap.”

Thereby proving her point. “Hence we’re working to clear your name so you can achieve your destiny, Admiral Spencer. I’ve always known that’s where you were headed.”

“You know so much about me, huh? Did you know I was ready to leave the Navy that day?”

“Bullshit. I know you said that, but I doubt you really would have done it.” He couldn’t have been serious.

He simply nodded. “I’d made the decision that having a family with you was more important than my career. I’d decided to call Zack and ask for a job since you could easily transfer to D.C. I didn’t want to end up like our parents. We need to be together every day, every night.”

Had he really decided that? Or was this little speech something he’d dreamed up to appeal to the romantic in her so he could insinuate himself back into her life? She couldn’t go down this road with him again. The last time had hurt too much.

She’d been right to fear the power he could wield over her. Growing up, she’d feared being like her lonely, heartsick mother who had waited her entire adult life for a man. After Dax had left New Orleans, Holland had become that woman. He alone could twist her inside and out.

“It doesn’t matter anymore,” she insisted.

“Yes, it does. I want you to tell me what you really saw in Chad Michaels.” He gritted the words out between his teeth as he moved in, invading her space. “Why did you date him?”

“I was attracted to him.”

“That’s a lie.” He moved in, forcing her to take a step back. “I know the kind of guy you’re attracted to, and it’s not a metrosexual boy posing as a man. Try again.”

She didn’t want to play this game with him and yet she couldn’t force herself to move away. If she wasn’t careful, something would give way between them. Holland felt helpless to stop it. Her rational side seemed to have shut down. Her softer side was more than willing to play the antelope to Dax’s prowling lion. “I was lonely.”

He shook his head as he moved in again. “You’ve never minded that before.”

He was going to make her admit it. Out loud. She suspected this was Dax’s version of therapy. Chad would have hauled her into an expensive shrink’s office where she would have discussed her feelings for fifty minutes at a time. Dax’s therapy would involve something more physical.

Somehow, she thought Dax’s methodology would be way more helpful.

Maybe he was right. Maybe they needed to have it out. Maybe they needed to be honest with each other once and for all.

“I dated him because I didn’t give a shit, Dax.” She retreated again until her back hit the wall and she had nowhere else to escape.

He didn’t stop coming for her. He moved in until mere inches sat between them. His chest almost brushed her breasts. When they did, would he be able to feel how hard her nipples were? When his hips locked against hers, would he feel her heat and know she was wet and ready for him simply because he was close?

She knew she should, but she couldn’t force herself to push him away anymore.

He was wrong. She had been lonely. Chad had taught her that no one could fill the void but Dax.

“Finally, we’re getting somewhere.” He lifted his hand, fingers brushing back her hair. “You knew you couldn’t love him. Tell me how you knew.”

She looked into his eyes, nearly getting lost in the depths. She’d been cold for so long. But not today. Not right now.

Between dealing with Chad, being so close to Dax, and talking to Gus for the first time in years, she teetered on an emotional edge. Just a little shove would send her over. Then she could let go of the terrible past and dismal future. She could forget sorrow and heartbreak and what might have been for a few hours in Dax’s embrace. She could sink into him. Of course it wasn’t forever. She knew how this would end, but maybe if she went into it with her eyes open this time, maybe she could preserve a piece of her heart.

“You know why.”

He lowered his head down, their foreheads touching. “I need to hear it.”

“You’re a bastard.” She wanted him to kiss her so she didn’t have to admit it. If he took her lips with his, pressed their bodies together, she could forget everything except how good it felt to be with him.

“Yes, I am. But that doesn’t change anything. I need to hear the words from you.”

She shouldn’t give a damn about his needs, but she wasn’t sure she could go another second without his kiss. Her desperation underscored all the reasons she should run as fast as she could. She simply couldn’t deny him. “I knew I couldn’t love him because he wasn’t you.”

Relief and triumph consumed his expression. He cupped her face as if she was something infinitely precious and breakable. “That’s how I feel, too. For me, it’s always been you. It always will be you.”

He leaned in, his mouth descending on hers. For the first time in years her body sprang to life. She couldn’t wait to wrap her arms around his lean waist and tug the T-shirt from his jeans. Not to get it off his body. That could wait, but she needed to feel his skin under her palms, warm and alive.