Beholden (The Belonging Duet, #2)(78)

“You okay?” Jackson asks, holding me tight.

“I’ll be okay until I have to say goodbye to you,” I admit. This is only going to keep getting worse. “I’m surprised Ash let me go with you.” I look up and he smirks.

“She’s known about this for a while, baby. I called her and let her know I’d be driving you.”

With a shaky voice, I say the only word I can, “Oh.”

“Don’t be so surprised. I told you I wasn’t going to let you go.”

Jackson leans in and places a kiss against my temple and I close my eyes. Sometimes his gentleness breaks me more than anything. Right now, I want to beg him, plead with him to come with me. Get on the plane and we’ll figure out all the shit later, but I can’t. Especially knowing how his wife made him give it all up and how much he resented her. I never want to be the reason he gives something up. I want to give to him. This is the conundrum we face. My heart wants Jackson and my head wants to follow my dreams with this job.

Two good things and two broken hearts.

“I knew this was going to be impossible.”

“It doesn’t have to be.”

My face pales as I look at him. “How doesn’t it? My job is sending me to California. You’re in New York. Sure, we could try, but when would we see each other?” I ask, attempting to keep an even tone.

“I don’t know. I want to f*cking turn this car around and take you home. Do you know how hard it is to drive you right now? Knowing this is the end. I feel like …” Jackson trails off and grips his neck. “I’m not going to do this to you. I won’t be selfish.” He looks at me and I see the agony in his eyes.

“I’m no better. I want to beg you to get on that plane and come with me. But you can’t and I won’t ask you to do that.”

“I f*cked this all up.”

“If we’d never broken up, I might not be going because I wouldn’t want to leave you. So then what? Would I feel like you did about Madelyn?” I wince saying her name.

“I wouldn’t have asked you to give it up.” Jackson closes his eyes as we have our come-to-Jesus moment.

This is where the truth lies. Nothing would be different, but everything would be. I would either be getting on the plane and feeling the exact way I do now, or I wouldn’t and be wondering if I gave up my career for nothing. Jackson’s made me strong enough to do this. He’s given me the power to get on this plane and while it will practically kill me, I’ll survive. I don’t know if I would’ve been able to do this six months ago. If it were Neil, I wouldn’t go—and then what? Where would I be? Alone, broken, and jobless.

“How can we want this so much, but not be able to have it?” I ask him, hoping for some brilliant insight, because I don’t get it.

“No one said we can’t. We just can’t right now. But I’m not giving up on you and someday, Catherine, we’ll find our way back together.”

“I wish today was someday.”

“Me too, baby.”

“Kiss me,” I say breathlessly.

“Any time,” he says as his hands encompass my cheeks and he places his lips to mine for a moment. He pulls back and his gaze is locked on mine, and I see my future, my past, and all that could be. Only none of it matters.

We spend the next few minutes of the drive to the airport touching, kissing, and drawing comfort from each other. When the car stops, my entire body locks in place. I can’t do this. I can’t walk away from him. Jackson grips my hands and I begin to tremble. I knew this would be too hard.

The driver opens the door and a sob breaks through.

Fuck.

I can’t do this.

“Come on,” Jackson says, brushing my hair off my face with his other hand.

“Dammit,” I curse and a tear breaks free. “Dammit, Jackson.”

He closes the door and grips my arms. “Look at me.”

My eyes slowly lift to his and I see how much this is hurting him, but he’s fighting for me.

“I’ve had to leave more times than I can count. I know what you’re feeling. The fear, the excitement, the guilt, and everything in between. But this … this is worth it. You worked your ass off for this and now you need to go grab it and run. Are you going to miss things? Yes. But, baby, it’s all worth it. You’re not going to lose the people who love you because you’re worth it. There are no goodbyes between us. Okay?” he asks and my stomach coils.

Jackson opens the door and we exit the car. I’m splotchy and a mess. His arm wraps around my waist and he tells the driver he’ll call him later. I look up in surprise.

“What are you doing?”

“I bought a ticket so I can get through security. I’m staying with you until the last second,” he says matter-of-factly.

There’s no way he can be any more perfect and completely impossible to resist. I really wish I was still upset with him because then I would get on this plane and not think twice. I’d hold on to the lies and hurt, but it’s not there anymore.

We grab our boarding passes and head to the gate. Jackson holds on to me the entire time. He keeps me together while I feel like I’m falling apart. This shouldn’t be this hard. I should be excited, but instead I’m totally distraught.