Before I Do(87)
“I feel like I went a little bit mad back there,” Audrey said. “It was like the wedding version of The Shining.”
“Don’t be too hard on yourself,” said Hillary, putting an arm around her shoulders. “Getting married is scary at the best of times. I find it hard to commit to what I want to eat for lunch each day, let alone a lifetime of sex with only one person. Add in a few omens and heart attacks and ghosts of boyfriends past, and honestly, Audrey, it’s a wonder that things went as well as they did.”
“How did anything go well?” Audrey asked.
“Well, we’re all alive to tell the tale, and everyone looked fabulous. I don’t think anything’s unfixable.”
Audrey reached for a handful of crisps. “I think Fred was this fantasy embodiment of the perfect guy, but I never really knew him. Him showing up this weekend just reminded me of the person I was at twenty-two, when I thought I knew who I was, what I wanted. It reminded me how stuck I’ve been. Maybe I’m not sorted enough to get married.”
“Bullshit,” said Hillary, making a single clap with his hands, just as Clara came back through from the spare room.
“Excuse me?”
“I call bullshit on what you are saying. I don’t like this narrative that’s crept into books and films. This idea that you are not worthy of love until you have your life sorted out, that you need to be sure in your career, completely mentally stable, and happy before you can be loved. I fucking love you, whether you’re a work in progress or a finished article. So should Josh, and so should you.” Audrey had rarely seen Hillary so animated. “Do you really want to live in a world where only the sorted people get to be in love?”
“I agree,” said Clara. “Do you think I’m a finished article, do you think Jay is? Everyone’s just winging it, working life out as we go along.”
“Weren’t you saying how difficult it’s been between you lately?” Audrey said with a frown. “I feel like if you and Jay find marriage tough, what hope does anyone else have?”
“Of course it’s tough. I haven’t slept for months, my hormones are all over the place, but I wouldn’t be without Jay, not really, not for a minute.” She paused. “I’m sorry if I made you think that I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t being fair on him earlier, he’s been amazing this weekend, really stepped up with the girls. He even suggested he could do more flexible hours when I go back to work. It’s made me feel like we’re a proper team again.”
“Oh, thank goodness.” Audrey pulled Clara down onto the sofa, so she could hug a friend in each arm. “So, you don’t think I need to have a career epiphany and start going to therapy?”
“Hopefully you will do both those things, but they shouldn’t be a precursor to being lovable.” Hillary narrowed his eyes at her. “Even if you’re always a bit indecisive and selfish, even if you change jobs as often as you change your underwear, we don’t care.”
Audrey felt herself tear up. “I think that’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.” She wiped away a tear. “Where have you put my brutally sarcastic friend?”
“Occasionally he needs a day off. Seriously, though, you should tell Josh what happened with Benedict and your mother, give him a chance to understand.”
“I feel pathetic that I let that man get to me. People out there have actually been abused, have been physically hurt, and I—well, I don’t think I ever felt entitled to be as upset about it as I was.”
“If it upset you, you’re entitled to be upset,” Hillary said firmly.
“A hundred percent,” said Clara.
She leaned over to Hillary to close the circle in a full group hug.
“I still can’t believe Josh is going on our honeymoon without me,” Audrey said softly.
“Don’t look so defeated. What would Scarlett O’Hara do?” asked Hillary.
“Cry? Steal? Make herself a dress out of the curtains?”
“She would get herself on a plane to Ibiza, and she wouldn’t take no for an answer,” said Hillary triumphantly.
“You really think I should just turn up at the airport and insist on going too?”
“Your name is on the ticket,” he replied with a shrug. “Today may have been a disaster, Audrey, but tomorrow? Tomorrow is another day.”
52
Twenty Hours After I Didn’t
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid this ticket has been reallocated,” said the woman at the airline desk.
“What do you mean, reallocated?” Audrey asked.
“I mean the cardholder who purchased the tickets has paid to reallocate the seat to a different passenger name.”
Josh was taking someone else on their honeymoon?
“Who’s he taking? Who’s it been reallocated to?” she asked, tapping her finger against the desk.
“I can’t give you that information, I’m afraid, since you are not the cardholder.” The woman gave Audrey a sympathetic look. “I do have space on the flight, if you’d like to purchase a new ticket?”
Audrey bought a new ticket on a credit card and tried not to think about the expense.
Walking toward security, she kept her eyes peeled for Josh. Who would he be taking? Paul? Paul would surely have given her a heads-up first. Miranda had to be the most likely candidate. Miranda was probably not her biggest fan right now, what with Audrey kissing her date and breaking her brother’s heart, all in the same evening. If there was anyone who was going to help broker a reconciliation, she didn’t think it was going to be Miranda. What if it was Harriet? What if she’d somehow muscled her way in and offered herself up as a shoulder to cry on?