Before I Do(64)

Audrey nodded; she felt as ready as she’d ever be.

The string quartet started to play Wagner’s “Bridal Chorus.” As she walked down the aisle with Brian, all their friends and family turned to watch and smile. Sian snapped photos of her from the front of the church. Audrey breathed in and out, gazing ahead, trying not to focus on all the eyes that were on her. Then Josh turned around, and his smile was like a lighthouse in the sea of people. His face conjured a feeling of home, of happy memories, of the place her heart felt safe. How could she have doubted this? But then she heard a baby cry, and it drew her eye to the side, and the person her eyes landed upon in the crowd was Fred. He was staring at her with such a soulful look, as though watching her walk to the gallows. She looked back to the front, hoping to catch Josh’s eye, but he had turned to look at the quartet. Instead, Audrey shifted her gaze down to the bunch of roses in her hand, taking refuge in the details of the petals, squeezing the bouquet so tight that she could feel the individual stems beneath the ribbon.

“By the way,” Brian whispered to her, his arm linked in hers. “Your mother gave me a letter I think she meant for you—a letter from your father, to read on your wedding day. Remind me to give it to you after the service. It really is lovely.”

Brian. Vivien was having an affair with Brian. As she reached the halfway mark, Brian let go of her arm and handed her over to Lawrence, who shuffled out of the pew to take her arm. Audrey felt the blood drain from her face.

“Nearly there,” said Lawrence, squeezing her arm tight. Audrey wanted to throw up. She shouldn’t have eaten all those wedding chocolates with Miranda and Clara. Finally, they reached the altar, and Lawrence deposited her next to Josh and the reverend.

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, in the sight of God and those witnesses here present, to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony.”

Josh leaned forward and whispered, “Wow.”

She took in his perfectly cut suit, his freshly shaven face and earnest smile. If only it could be just the two of them, if they could get off this stage, take off their costumes, pull down the curtain on everyone else. If only she could get the thought of her mother and Brian out of her head—the heartache and drama that would inevitably follow. As the reverend kept talking, Audrey’s eyes darted back to the congregation. She saw Josh’s friend Harriet looking at her with glassy eyes.

“Firstly, I am required to ask anyone present who knows of a reason why these persons may not be lawfully married to declare it now, or forever hold your peace.”

Audrey felt her heart stop. Her whole body tensed, in that way it does when you drop a wineglass and you watch, helpless, as it falls to the floor, waiting for the smashing sound. But no one spoke. Not Fred, not Granny Parker, not Harriet. No one was going to stop this, no one was going to intervene. Did she feel disappointment or relief?

“Always a relief when no one says anything.” The reverend leaned forward, and Audrey noticed he was sweating, far more than the temperature of the damp church called for. “The vows you are about to make are to be made in the presence of God, who is judge of all and knows all the secrets of our hearts. Therefore, if either of you knows of a reason why you may not lawfully marry, you must declare it now.” The reverend’s face had gone ghostly pale. Josh and Audrey both said nothing.

“Josh, do you take this woman to be your wedded wife? Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor her, and keep her, in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, so long as you both shall live?”

“I do,” Josh said, firmly, decisively, his eyes on Audrey.

“And do you . . .” The reverend looked to Audrey but then stopped talking, pausing as though he had forgotten her name.

“Audrey,” she whispered, imagining he’d had a mind blank. Reverend Daniels shook his head.

“Do you, Audrey . . . ,” he tried again.

Another pause elicited a titter of amusement from the congregation.

“Take this man . . . ,” Josh prompted under his breath, but then frowned when he looked from Audrey to the reverend and saw the color of his face. Something was wrong, something was very wrong.

“She does!” someone heckled from the back. “Course she bloody does!”

But whoever it was could not see what was happening at the front, because the reverend lurched forward, staggering toward Audrey. She leaped back in panic, colliding with the front pew, stumbling in her heels, and falling sideways onto the cold stone aisle, not quite saving her head from the impact as her hands reached for the ground.





37


Six Years Before I Do



Audrey ran all the way from the gallery to Baker Street station. She was an hour early to meet Fred, but she didn’t want to go anywhere else. What had just happened with Benedict had left the day feeling sordid and spoiled. The day before had been one of the best days of her life; she’d felt transcendent, as though in meeting Fred, the wonder of life had briefly come into focus. Now the focus had shifted again, and the world looked murky and blurred.

Audrey raked over the details of the morning in her mind. Had she been wrong to feel threatened? Had Benedict actually grabbed her from behind in the dark as she bent to fetch the peaches, or had she just been scared that he would? She honestly couldn’t remember. She knew he had held her body in front of the mirror in a way she hadn’t liked. Would she say anything to Vivien? What details could she even vocalize?