Bang(84)

“When are you coming home?” I ask and his responding growl makes me laugh. “What’s that all about?”

“Fucking makes me hard that you call my place home.”

“You’re bad,” I giggle.

“You have no idea.”

“I think I do.”

“No,” he says and then pauses before he continues, “I don’t think you could ever know how deep you run through me.”

It’s been nearly two weeks since I finally allowed myself to recognize that I love Declan. I spend every moment I can with him, and even with Bennett in the picture, we’ve connected in a way I didn’t think two people ever could.

“Finish up your work and come home. I want you to show me how deep you can run through me.”

“Christ. You’re not helping my dick by saying shit like that. I’m going to be walking around with a semi and blue balls for the rest of the day.”

I laugh, telling him, “Good. Motivation for you to hurry up and get back here.”

“I’ll call you when I leave. I want you naked and on your knees, waiting for me. I’ll let you pick out the belt because I’m going to have my way with you,” he demands in a low voice, causing a delightful ache between my legs.

“I want the one you’re wearing so that every time you look at it today, you’ll think about me naked and on my knees,” I say, flirting with mild laughter.

“Bad girl.”

“I love you.”

“Love you,” he says before we hang up.

I lie back down in the sheets, staring at the flowers and dreading tomorrow when Bennett comes back and I have to go to my other home. I love being here with Declan. For the first time, I feel happy.

Truly happy.

Truth is, I’m confused.

Really confused.

Happy and confused.

I hate what I’ve done here with Declan—lying and manipulating. I want to be honest with him about who I am. I want him to know me, Elizabeth, not Nina. But there’s no way to do that. I’ve set the ball in motion, and I’m not sure how to stop it. I don’t think it can be, but I want it to be. I just want to freeze time, cast a spell and make the past disappear so that I can start fresh with Declan. Give him the real me. But I f*cked myself. Life has f*cked me—it always has. And now I must forsake the one thing I want to be greedy with because what I want most of all is just more time with him.

I pick up one of the white flowers known for their birth in muddy waters only to grow and bloom into a flawless spread of purity. I wish for a moment that this flower could resemble me. That maybe I could be one of the lucky ones to truly get a new beginning. I’ve never felt as clean as I do with Declan. Not even Pike can clean me the way Declan does. But the reality is, my new beginning will still be filled with rot. Destroying the life of two men—one innocent and one who deserves the destruction—to live a life of retribution. Only that retribution will forever be tainted by the memory of what this will undoubtedly do to Declan.

I brush the soft petals along my lips, close my eyes, and picture my dad. My purity. My salvation. My prince. I wonder if my father sent Declan to me. If this is his gift to me. The good after all the bad. Declan used to scare me. He used to remind me of Carl with his forceful nature, his leather belts, and his affinity for tying me up. But when I started to see beyond that to the core of who he is, he reminds me of my dad. Because I can now look at Declan and see that, he too, is my purity, my salvation, my prince. Even down to the creases in the corners of his eyes when he smiles and the stubble along his face. My dad used to sing to me, and now I have Declan who hums gently into my ear when I’m scared or sad. The ways he soothes me is reminiscent of the things my father used to do.

I try not to think about having to go back to sharing a bed with Bennett. This whole thing with Declan, and the knowing that I can never truly have him, is just another reason to hate Bennett even more.

Needing to move and distract myself. I gather all the flowers and take them to the kitchen. Grabbing a stack of white bowls from the cabinet, I fill them with water and place the blooms down in them to float aimlessly and scatter the bowls throughout the loft.

Their scent envelops every room by the time I have taken a shower and gotten cleaned up and dressed for the day. I decide to go ahead and call Bennett since it’s after five o’clock there and he should be heading back to his hotel with Baldwin. Our call is the typical, and after we talk for almost an hour, we hang up.

Things are going to get tricky for a while because Bennett informs me that his schedule is about to free up on his travel, meaning he’s going to be home on a more steady basis. The thought of having to leave Declan’s bed to spend the nights with Bennett is depressing. I didn’t know I needed the comfort as much as I do, and Declan gives it to me perfectly and in a way that Pike could never completely fill for me.

Not wanting to dwell on having to leave tomorrow, I busy myself and decide to surprise Declan by attempting to cook for him. I go to the office and start surfing the internet for an easy, burn-proof recipe. His scent is encased within his leather chair, and I can’t fight the sadness that finds my heart as I sit at his desk, in his office, surrounded by everything Declan. I find a pasta dish that seems like something I can manage and quickly print it off so that I can get out of here because I desperately need some fresh air.