Bang(87)

“I’m sorry. Bennett’s been home. He’s not traveling as much right now,” I try explaining, but he doesn’t seem to be in any mood to hear my excuses.

“Just tell me what’s going on.”

“Pike.”

“Tell me you’re making progress with that guy.”

“His name’s Declan, and I’m trying. It’s just taking a little longer than I expected,” I tell him, lying because the only reason it’s taking longer is because I want more time with him.

He looks over at me, fed up, asking, “What the hell does that mean? Last I saw you, you said he was in deep and didn’t seem to have much doubt about this taking up a whole lot of time.”

“I don’t know,” I say. “I think I was just wound up with excitement, but I don’t feel like he’s ready yet.”

“How did he react to the last bruises I gave you?”

“He was pissed. I wound up staying with him the whole time Bennett was away.”

He nods, stubbing out his cigarette. “So what do you think it’s gonna take?”

“I’m not sure.”

“How long is Bennett gone this time?” he asks.

“He’s not. He’s still here in town. It’s just been a while since I saw you.”

“So you needed me to take care of you,” he says, wrapping his arm around my shoulder, assuming I came for sex. But I don’t need that from him anymore. And as screwed up as it sounds, considering I’m married, the thought of having sex with Pike would make me feel like I was being unfaithful to Declan. It’s a f*cked up idea, but the feeling is there regardless.

“No. I just wanted to check in. I didn’t want you worrying,” I tell him and watch as his eyes narrow.

“What the f*ck is going on? What aren’t you telling me?” he snaps.

“Nothing.”

“For nearly sixteen years you’ve always needed me for sex, and now, all of a sudden, you don’t.”

“Nobody said that I don’t still need you, Pike.”

“You didn’t need me the last time you were here, and now today,” he says suspiciously as he pulls his arm away from me. I don’t speak as he stands up and takes a few steps across the room before turning back to face me. “You say you think Declan needs more time, that he’s not ready. But now you’ve got me wondering if it’s you that’s not ready.”

I stand up, defending instantly, “You don’t think I’m ready to see Bennett dead? To see that * buried six feet under where he belongs?”

“I’m not talking about Bennett. I don’t doubt that you want those things. I’m talking about Declan.”

I try covering my nervousness with irritation when I cross my arms and bite my words, “Stop goading me and just say whatever it is you want to say.”

He takes a moment, looking at me intently as if he’s trying to read me, and then questions in a condescending tone, “You don’t love the guy, do you?”

“What?! No!” I blurt out, but I know he doesn’t buy it when he cocks his head.

“Then tell me why you don’t need me.”

“Pike. Don’t.”

“You’re just fooling yourself, you know?” he says. “Don’t forget, you’re nothing but a lie to him.”

But I don’t need Pike to tell me what I already know.

“Stop.”

But he doesn’t. He just keeps talking, saying, “So when he says that he loves you, he doesn’t really mean it. He’s only in love with this fictional character you’ve created, Nina.”

“Pike, I’m serious,” I yell, losing my temper. “Cut the shit!”

“You and I both know that if he truly knew you, he wouldn’t be saying those words.”

“Fuck you!”

“No! Fuck you!” he shouts in hate. “We had a f*cking plan here. And here you are, falling for the goddamn con!”

His words stab me, throwing the truth I want to deny in my face. Wishing that his words were nothing but lies, but they’re not, and it pisses me off, so I shout back at him, “I’m not like you! I have cracks, and I can’t always shut off my feelings like you do, settling for the life you were given. Don’t forget I was given this life too!”

He flinches when I sling my words at him, and I’m taken aback by the softer tone of his voice when he responds, “So that’s what you really think? That I don’t feel? That I don’t mourn the loss of the life I should’ve had? That I don’t wonder about or miss the parents I never knew?” He takes a slow step towards me, his jaw flexing, hardening his voice as he continues, “You had a dad that you knew. You had it all. I never had a goddamn thing. But that’s why people like you and me fight, because it gives us something to live for when we have nothing left. I thought we shared that.”

The look on his face and the pain in his voice cut me deeply. I love Pike. I always have, and to see him hurt, because of me, isn’t an easy thing to witness.

I move closer to him, telling him, “We do share that.”

He cups my cheeks in his hands, assuring me, “We can do this. You and I can do this together. Don’t let go of that because some guy makes you feel something. The real question you need to be asking yourself is: what does Elizabeth make him feel?”