BAD REP(139)

“Why, Maysie?  Why the hell are you f*cking with my head like this?” he asked in an agonized whisper.  I opened my mouth to defend myself but he kept going, his eyes still closed, a frown marring his brow.

“I've been miserable.  I can't sleep.  I can't eat.  I've wanted to pound down your door a million times.  But I kept telling myself you just needed your space.  That you'd sort your shit out.  So I give you space.  Then Riley tells me you're as miserable as I am.  So I agree to come here.  I had it all worked out in my head, Mays.  I was going to come in here and beg you to take me back.  Hell, I was going to get on my knees if I had to.  Because all I know is that I can't be without you.”   I think I had stopped breathing.

Jordan finally opened his eyes and he leaned in close to me.  His eyes were glassy and I could smell the alcohol on his breath.  We were so close, our lips almost touching.  I ached for him to put his mouth to mine. I've longed to be this close to him for a week now.  But Jordan was angry.  And it was clear, kissing was the last thing on his mind.

“And what do I find when I get here?  My girl, with her f*cking ex.  And here I thought what we had was something special.  When the first thing you do after kicking me to the curb is crawl back in bed with that douche bag.” He snarled and I backed away.

“I AM NOT sleeping with Eli.  He came up here to bum a cigarette.  We started talking.  He told me to stop being a stubborn ass and to win you back,” I yelled, my voice ringing in the tiny room.  Jordan flinched but I wasn't through.  “I know I f*cked up.  I pushed you away because I'm a coward.  I know that.  But you know what you did tonight?” I asked him.  Jordan looked confused.

“You made me feel like the slut everyone else has accused me of being.  You came here and immediately assumed I was f*cking Eli.  You didn't ask me what was going on.  Your mind went straight to that conclusion.”  Jordan's eyes cleared a bit and he looked contrite.

“Maysie...” He breathed out but I wouldn't let him finish his thought.

“This thing we have is ridiculous.  Why in the world did we think we could start a relationship built on lies?  Trust, which is so fundamental, is something we never had a chance to really build with each other.  And I think it might be too late.”

The anger left Jordan's face entirely.  I watched as two tears slid down his face.  Oh god, I didn't know if I could handle Jordan crying.  His hands were clenched at his side, as though he were fighting with himself to not touch me.

“You're right, baby.  We began out of something ugly.  But what we became was something beautiful.  I just wish I could make you see that.” His voice broke and he took a deep breath.  My throat closed up and I had to rein in my own tears otherwise I'd be sobbing like a child.

“But you only want to see the ugly, Maysie.  And I can't change that.  I wish just for once you would care more about what you think than what everyone else thinks.  Why does the opinion of every other jackass on campus matter more than how you and I feel?”  He reached up and wiped away his tears with the heel of his palm.  Then he scrubbed his hand over his face.  “This was a mistake.  I've got to get out of here.” He stumbled backwards and wrenched open the bathroom door.

I followed him out of the bathroom.  “Wait, Jordan. Please,” I begged, hurrying after him.  Jordan came up short and turned to face me again.

“No, Maysie.  You were right.  We can't save this.  This is broken and it can't be fixed.  We've spent way too much time making each other feel like shit.  This has to end now,” he said sadly.

I saw Riley get up off of her knees, where she had been scrubbing the blood from the carpet.  Damn it, the tears were streaming down my face now.  “I'm so sorry, Jordan. I never meant to hurt you.  I...”I trailed off, not sure what else I could say.  Because this had become something so messed up that I didn't know what I could do to change it.

Jordan's face crumpled and he reached for me, crushing me against his chest and burying his face in my neck.  “My god, Maysie.  I just wish I didn't love you damn much,” he cried brokenly, his face pressed against my skin.   I had brought him to this.  How could I have done this to someone I love?  Here he was despairing over the fact that he loved me.  That his love was in fact destroying him.  My insecurities, my fears, were getting in the way of something wonderful.  I hated myself for it.