Alcohol You Later (43)

“I’d say you’re full of shit.” I wrench my arm from his grip.

“It’s true.” He wipes at his brow reaching for my hand and placing it over his heart. “Feel that?” His jaw ticks. “Fuck, baby. I’m having a freaking panic attack at just the thought of you leaving.”

“That’s not love, Nick.” I sigh, releasing with it a humorless laugh. “That’s fear.”

“Exactly!” He grips the sides of my face in his palms, punctuating each of his next words with a little shake. “I’m terrified of losing you.”

I can’t do this. Can’t fall for this. This is low, even for him.

“You’re just scared one of those babies will have a shit before Lyle wakes up and you’ll have to change it yourself.”

He growls in frustration. “Stay with me. Please. Dammit…I just told you that I’m in love with you.”

I roll my eyes. “You really are desperate.”

He groans. “This isn’t how I imagined this moment.” His admission is followed by a humorless laugh.

“You’ve thought of this moment?”

He nods, stroking my cheek with the back of his hand. “It keeps me up at night.”

“Which part?”

“The part where I finally grow the balls to confess my feelings to the woman I love.”

Oh, he’s smooth. “Yeah?”

“Yeah…but in my head she always returns those feelings.”

“Sucks when you don’t get what you want, doesn’t it?” With those scathing words I give him one long, final look and shove my way through the door, past the babies screaming in their cribs, and off the bus.

I’m halfway to Korie’s bus when his broken words ring out into the night, piercing my heart like a stray bullet. “Fly away, little dove.”

I’ll be fucking damned if I allow him to reduce me to the same level as the pieces of shit those birds on his side represent.

Shame and anger vie for control of my emotions. Before I recognize what I’m doing, I’ve abandoned my luggage and he’s there, a foot in front of me, battered and bruised and worse for the wear.

“Fuck you!” I shout, rising to my toes and stuffing a finger into his face. “You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to make me the bad guy.”

He stands there, motionless but for the tear I watch slither out of the corner of his eye. “You could never be anything less than perfect in my eyes.”

I stuff my hair behind my ears and stare up at him. “Did you mean what you said?”

“Which part?”

“That you love me,” I sputter. “Do you even know the meaning of the word? Or is it the convenience of having me around that you love so much? A warm hole to get your dick wet, someone to look pretty on your arm at red carpet events, and a nanny, all wrapped up in one pathetic package.”

“I could easily find all of those things elsewhere.” He’s not bragging. Simply stating a fact, but his words pack a punch either way. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he shakes his head to himself. “I’m so fucking in love with you I can’t think straight, Ray.” He shifts his weight from foot to foot, linking his eyes with mine. “I’ve been trying to protect you.”

“From what?”

“Me!” He shouts banging a fist against his chest. “Because as much as I want you for myself, I know you deserve better.”

“You’re right,” I say, shocking him speechless. He definitely wasn’t expecting me to agree with him. “I do deserve better…better than having to share the man I love with other women because he’s afraid to commit. Better than having to settle for second best because he chooses to punish himself—and his children—for his parents’ mistakes.”

He recoils into himself. “I always knew it would hurt,” he says, his jaw trembling. “When you finally realized your worth and moved on.”

“Argh!” I growl, fisting my hands into my hair. “I might deserve better, but I didn’t get to choose who I fell in love with, Nicholas. Any more than I can choose to unlove you. Because trust me,” I say, blowing out a resigned breath, “I’ve tried. There is no moving on from this.”

He sags with relief.

“But I can choose dignity. I can choose to stop being stepped on and humiliated and made to feel like I’m merely an option on the buffet to the man who is my entire universe.”

“Pretty girl,” he rasps, clutching my chin. “I didn’t realize…didn’t mean to make you feel this way.”

I shrug, crossing my arms over my chest in a protective stance. “Doesn’t matter. I promised to be here for you, and I will.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m going to move to Rhett and Korie’s bus, if they’ll have me, and I’ll take care of the children during rehearsals and performances. The rest of the time, they’re yours.”

He nods. “What about us?”

“I don’t know.”

“I want you,” he says, gripping me by the shoulders. “I need you in my life.” He pulls me close and presses his lips to my forehead. “I love you, Ray.”

I stand there in silence, breathing him in while the tears run unchecked along my cheeks.