Absolution(18)

He replaced the jug and turned to lean against the kitchen counter, taking a brief sip and running his eyes over her face, into her soul. “You look like hell.”

She shrugged, hands wrapped around the cup in front of her. “Thanks, that’s always good to hear. They teach you that at charm school?”

He shrugged, unfazed. “You get any sleep last night?”

As she searched for a suitable answer, he settled himself in the chair opposite her.

“Some. You?”

“About the same.” He took a sip of his coffee before continuing. “I’ve been thinking. We don’t have to go to the funeral.”

“Right.”

“I’m serious. Look, maybe we can go out to the cemetery afterwards, and say our goodbyes to him in private?”

She frowned, waiting for him to expand.

“It’s this whole thing with Jack. I just thought that maybe if we avoided the church, you wouldn’t have to see him at all. Wouldn’t that be a better solution, all round?”

“I’m not hiding from him,” she said determinedly, ignoring the voice in her head that told her she had done just that, and only yesterday.

“Not hiding from him is one thing. Seeing him, talking to him, is something else entirely. Are you ready for that?”

“Look, I appreciate the thought but I need to be there – I need to do this. I need to say goodbye properly. I just want to get it over with. Get in, get out, come home.”

“Okay,” he said after a few moments. “I get it. I just wanted to make sure.”

She knew Callum had to be dreading this as much as she was, and for the same reasons. Seizing her moment, she jumped in.

“If you do see him today, can you promise me you’ll steer clear? Don’t start anything – not today.” He looked about to object so she cut him off. “I know how you feel – I do. I just think that we need to make an effort to keep things under control, for Tom. Today is all about him, not me or you or even Jack. We need to respect that.”

“What do you think I’m gonna do?”

“I know you, remember? I know how hard this is for you, I know how you feel about him. I’m asking you to promise me – please? Don’t do anything stupid today. Think of Tom – stay away from Jack today, for Tom’s sake.”

Callum stared back at her, mulling it over.

“Please?”

Finally, he nodded. “I won’t go looking for him – that, I can promise. But if he tries to talk to me – if he comes anywhere near you – I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop myself. I’m sorry but that’s the best I can do.”

She nodded, reaching over to lay her hand on his. Part of her didn’t imagine that Jack would want to come anywhere near any of them today. But then she remembered him talking to Maggie yesterday and it gnawed away at her. She could do this – go to Tom’s funeral, say goodbye – but only if she didn’t have to talk to Jack. Seeing him would be hard enough but talking to him was a whole different ballgame and she didn’t have her game face ready yet.

“Thank you.”

Callum wanted to kill Jack for vanishing like that – she knew it, he had told her so often enough, back when they still talked about him. None of them could understand why he did it, it was so unlike him. He had rejected them – all of them – and it hurt. It didn’t get any easier to understand over time, either. You just pushed the uncertainty way down deep and got used to not knowing. She could see the hurt and frustration building in him over the years – the sense of betrayal that she felt, she knew he felt too. Jack wasn’t just hers to lose – he was Callum’s best friend. He had been rejected, too.

She loved him like a brother, but Callum had a temper that was well documented. Not so long ago, he had overheard Andy McLeish make some smart-ass, back-handed comment about her in Barney’s bar and he had felt obliged to defend her honour. His explanation for what followed had not held much sway in court and he had been lucky to escape with anger management counseling and what was tantamount to a good-behaviour bond – a miracle in itself, taking into account his existing record. He joked afterwards that it was worth it, but she hadn’t seen the funny side. The last thing she wanted was for him to end up in court again, even though she suspected he would think Jack was worth the jail time.

“I never really thought he’d come back, not even for the funeral,” Callum said, interrupting her thoughts. “He seemed pretty determined to keep this town in his rear-view mirror.”