Absolution(130)

- John Wayne




Jack couldn’t wait to get out of the hospital. Staring at the ceiling for the past couple of days had just added to the sense of helplessness. He felt surgically removed from the world.

Again.

While he lay in there, flat on his back, Ally was somewhere out there, refusing to take his calls and ignoring his voicemail messages.

Packing his few possessions into the bag Callum had brought in for him, he again thought about what he would say to her when she could finally bring herself to talk to him – if she ever would. Where would he begin? He zipped the bag shut, staring blankly at the linoleum.

“You ready?” Callum walked towards him, reaching out for the bag.

“Yeah.”

He let Callum carry his bag as the orderly arrived with the wheelchair to deliver him safely to the front door of the hospital. The orderly chattered happily as he pushed him towards the reception area, and all he could think about was how it felt to be sitting in a wheelchair, having someone else in control. The ache in his heart magnified.

He couldn’t think of a single thing to say as he carefully eased himself into the car and they finally pulled out of the parking lot and headed for Callum’s house. Callum drove in silence, for which he was grateful. His head pounded but he was reluctant to take any medication. Anything that dulled his senses felt like cheating. He deserved this. He had deserved it from day one. It was time to pay the piper.

“Have you heard from her?” he asked, his eyes firmly on the road, sunglasses shading them from the harsh light that aggravated his near-constant headache.

“No.”

His heart sank and he sighed so deeply it felt as if his centre of gravity had fallen. Something akin to altitude sickness settled into his bones. If she wouldn’t talk to him, how was he going to explain? Assuming, of course, that he miraculously found the right words.

“Did you call her again?” Callum asked.

“She won’t take my calls.”

And why should she? He had lied to her.

“Do you need anything from your Dad’s place?” Callum asked, as they turned onto the main road back into town.

He shook his head sullenly. What he needed most was Ally. The rest of it was just dust in the wind.

“Doc said you need to take it easy – no texting, no games and no reading for at least the next few weeks. Are we gonna have any problems with that?”

“I’ll cope.”

He stared out the window. He hated the idea of the restrictions more than the restrictions themselves. Honestly, any form of visually stimulating exercise seemed to increase his headache so he wasn’t going to waste his breath arguing about it.

“I’ve tried calling her too. She won’t pick up.”

Jack glanced over as Callum spoke. Even though his attention was on the road, his body language belied his anxiety. His knuckles glowed white where he hung onto the steering wheel, his jaw locked tight as he stared straight ahead.

“I know Maggie’s with her, so she’s okay, but I really wish she wasn’t so damn stubborn.”

“I’m sorry I got you into this,” Jack mumbled. “I wanted to tell her the truth, but not like this.”

“It was my call not to tell her. I screwed up, too. She’s bound to be pissed off but I wish she’d just let us explain. I mean, you weren’t exactly yourself the other day.”

Jack stared at the road ahead. The cold, hard truth was he hadn’t been ‘himself’ for four years. The closest he had felt to his old self had been these past few weeks, when he was with Ally. Despite all the changes, when he was with her he felt like anything was possible again. It was a bittersweet realisation, given that he may have now lost that feeling – forever, this time.

“Maggie’s pissed at me, too. So is Jane – feels like everyone’s pissed at me right now.”

“Welcome to my world.”

Callum glanced at him sharply but Jack ignored him, too exhausted to bother modifying his behaviour or apologising for it. They drove the rest of the journey in silence.

By the time they got back to Callum’s house, Jack was nearly asleep. The simple act of getting out of the car required a major commitment on his part, and he struggled to keep his eyes open behind his dark sunglasses. His head pounded and his body ached and he couldn’t be bothered fighting either anymore. Callum grabbed his bag from the back seat and carried it inside and again Jack let him, too tired to argue.