Absolution(123)

“Did I do this? Because if I did, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she murmured, meeting his worried gaze out of the corner of her eye. “I should have known better than to fall asleep all twisted up like that. It’s my fault, not yours.”

“You said you had back pain sometimes, but I didn’t expect this. I thought… well, I don’t know what I thought, to be honest.”

He looked so miserable, she wanted to smile, to sit up, to tell him that she was fine. But she wasn’t capable of any of that yet.

“It’s the metal rods,” she mumbled into the pillow. “Hurts sometimes.”

“Can you see them?”

“See what?”

“The metal rods.”

“No. Just the scar.”

Jack’s gaze flitted to her back for a brief instant. “Can I take a look?”

The aftermath of the pain and the effect of the medication wore down her defenses. She reasoned that it was only a scar, and she was hardly in a position to argue. “Knock yourself out.”

He squeezed her hand again before letting it go, moving carefully around the edge of the bed until she couldn’t see him anymore. Slowly, she moved her hand to the hem of the t-shirt she slept in and pushed it up. Anxiety worked its way through the haze of medication like a cold knife. She waited for him to say something – that the scar was huge, that it was ugly, that it looked painful.

But he didn’t.

Instead, he gently pushed the t-shirt higher and the cool morning air hit her bare skin. His fingertips touched her back, so gently it almost tickled. The area around her scar was hyper-sensitive and she knew immediately when he was near it. She sucked in a breath.

“I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “I didn’t mean to hurt –“

“It doesn’t – hurt, I mean,” she swallowed. “The pain, it’s not coming from my scar.”

She held her breath as his fingertips floated over her skin with incredible tenderness, electrifying the nerve-endings.

Why doesn’t he say something?

Then he was lowering her t-shirt again. The seconds stretched out, her heart pounding against her tender spine so violently, she wondered if he could see it.

He crawled around the edge of the bed, settling into the same spot as before, reaching out to enclose her hand in his again.

“That’s pretty impressive.” He squeezed her hand, offering a weak smile. “But I thought it’d be bigger, for some reason.”

That’s it?

She looked deep into his eyes. If he was hiding something from her, she couldn’t see it, unlike his reaction when he had seen her sitting half-naked on her bedroom floor. Then, it had been obvious. Now… nothing. Wasn’t he bothered by the scar? Or was he just getting better at hiding it? Suddenly, she had a burning desire to know.

“What do you see?” she asked. “When you look at me now?”

“What do you mean?”

Her pulse raced. She couldn’t take it back now. “I want to know how you see me.”

He was obviously shocked. She couldn’t blame him. She was shocked too, but she had to know. She took a deep breath and tried again. “Do you feel sorry for me? Do you feel guilty, when you look at me? Does it turn you off, seeing this – seeing me, like this?” The words tumbled over one another. “The scar, the meds and the metal rods. The nightmares and the giant hole in my memory. The fact that we can’t hold hands when we walk down the street together anymore – that I can’t do a lot of the things we used to do together. The way I look, the way other people look at me –“

Her breath caught in her throat, her lungs unable to keep up with her mouth.

“Should any of that matter?” he said, interrupting her as she was about to launch into another list.

But does it?

He held her hand tight and she found herself hanging on just as tightly.

“I don’t know what it is you’re asking me, exactly, but I think you’re one of the most incredible people I’ve ever met. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you, did I ever tell you that? Now, when I look back on it, I think you kind of scared me. You were so confident, so much more adventurous than I was – you weren’t afraid of anything. You took risks and you threw yourself into things, heart and soul. We were opposites – when I was scared, you were brave. When I was reluctant, you were already committing. You took me places and showed me things that I never would’ve seen if it weren’t for you.”