A Family Affair(68)

“It’s not that late,” Anna said. “What’s keeping you awake?”

“The idea that my father was a scoundrel,” she said. “What he did!”

Anna put an arm around the daughter who was taller than her, pulling her close. They both leaned back against the pillows. “He was a fallible human being, that’s all. As we all are. And his mistake was one of the most common. I was very disappointed. I wanted his love for me to outweigh all temptation, but apparently that wasn’t the case.”

“It really pisses me off,” Jessie said.

“I know,” she said. “But it’s not our burden to carry and I think he paid for it in guilt and regret.”

“Michael is furious about it,” Jessie said. “Why is he so furious? He usually runs away from conflict and won’t argue for anything.”

“That’s easy,” Anna said. “Michael is afraid he’s exactly like his dad. That was a good thing when he thought of Chad as perfect, though he had some trouble with that, worried that he couldn’t live up to his dad’s excellent reputation. Michael was a college grad, teacher, coach, while Chad had a PhD and was a pretty well-known therapist. Confronting his dad’s imperfections—that would be hard for the son who worshipped him.”

“I thought he was pretty perfect, too,” Jessie admitted. “It kills me to think of what he did to you. You were just a young woman! Your heart must have been broken!”

“Sure,” Anna said. “Jess, my heart’s been broken a hundred times. That’s the thing about life.”

“Who broke your heart, Mama?” she asked, sounding like such a little girl.

Anna chuckled. “Going back to the fifth grade, Jennifer Cranston and her gang of six made fun of me and bullied me every day and I was reduced to tears so often my teacher thought I had the worst case of hay fever she’d ever seen. A couple of those mean girls moved away and it just faded into nothing. Then in the way life has of giving us breaks now and then, Jennifer came to me looking for a lawyer when she had no money to speak of and needed help because her husband was leaving her and screwing her out of alimony and child support.”

“It must have given you some satisfaction to tell her to take a hike,” Jessie said.

“Nah, I helped her. Got her set up pretty decently, too. But the way of the world is that some things never change, some good deeds never go unpunished. She was ungrateful and kind of snotty about it. But I made a deal with myself a long time ago—I’m not going to let the bad behavior of others turn me into a bad person. I have to look at myself in the mirror every morning.”

“You’ve always been the brave one,” Jessie said.

“Me? Oh, hell, Jessie, most of the time I’m worried about everything. But I learned how to look like I’ve got it handled. You’ll never win a case in court if it’s obvious you’re in doubt. You don’t get to sit on the bench if you’re quivering in your boots.”

“And you like it on that bench!” Jessie said.

“Honestly, it wasn’t something I even dared hope for. I’m not about to give it up just because it scares me.”

“Are you worried now?” she asked.

“I don’t know if you remember this, the judge who vacated the seat in Superior Court had a stroke. A bad one. He’s been wheelchair dependent ever since. He’s never going to fully recover. He’s almost ninety, but still...”

“Oh, Mom,” she said, snuggling closer.

“Incentive to get better. Better than ever, if I can. I’m not going down without a fight.”

Jessie put her head on Anna’s shoulder. “I think I’ve taken you for granted. I’m so proud of you.”

“And I was just thinking the same thing about you.”

“I need to apologize for something. I need your forgiveness if you can.” She sat up straight so she could look in her mother’s eyes. “I always made you the bad guy.”

“Did you?”

She nodded. “I accused you of nagging Daddy, of always telling him what to do. You were always in his business.”

“That’s true. I did nag. Not all the time, but I was guilty of it. The thing about nagging is that it’s not nagging if you ask a person once. It only becomes nagging when you’re asking for the fortieth time. Your dad had a tendency to ignore me. Not just saying no, or sorry I’m too busy. Ignore. Then asking again and again becomes nagging. I was guilty of that, sure.”

“And you were not the bad guy.”

“Well, thank you, sweetheart.”

“And I watched him just try to get on your last nerve by complaining about everything from kids to work to the state of the lawns in the neighborhood or how unhappy he was, just in general. You had twice as much to do and you hardly ever complained.”

Anna smiled. She’d only waited thirty years to have a little appreciation from Jessie. “I used to tell your father there was an antidote to unhappiness. It’s called gratitude. If you’re busy giving thanks for what you have it’s very hard to think of what’s not quite good enough.”

“Hmm. I guess you’ve said that to me before...”

“Probably.”

“I’m going to give up men,” Jessie said.