Undone by Her Tender Touch (Pregnancy & Passion #4)(44)

“Pippa…”

She shook her head. “I don’t want to hear it. But know this, Cam. One day you’re going to wake up and realize you’ve made a horrible, horrible mistake. I won’t be there.” She cupped her hands over her belly. “We won’t be there. I deserve more. I deserve a man who’ll give me everything and not just throw money or convenience at me. More than that, my child deserves more. He deserves a father who’ll love him unconditionally. Who’ll go to the wall for him every damn day. Not a father incapable of loving anyone but himself.”

She turned to walk out but paused at the door. She faced him one last time, ignoring the utter bleakness in his eyes.

“I loved you, Cam. I never asked you for anything. That’s true. And yes, you were up front from the beginning, so shame on me for changing the rules. I have equal responsibility for this debacle, but just because I made a mistake doesn’t mean that I’m going to punish myself for the rest of my life and I’m damn sure not going to make my child suffer for my stupidity. I’d tell you to have a nice life, but somehow I don’t think that’s going to be possible because you’re far too content to wallow in your misery.”

She yanked open the door and walked out, slamming it behind her. It wasn’t until she got outside the front entrance that she remembered she hadn’t asked the cabbie to wait and now she was stranded at this damn monstrosity of a house.

“Miss Laingley, will you allow me to drive you home?”

She turned to see John standing there, his eyes soft with sympathy. It was the last straw. She burst into tears and then allowed him to guide her toward the waiting car.

Twenty

Cam sank into the chair behind his desk and buried his face in his hands.

He’d followed Pippa out the door and seen that John was giving her a ride home. He’d watched as the car drove down the lane, the lights disappearing in the distance.

For how long he stood there, numb, he didn’t know. He realized the door was still open and the wind had picked up. A chill had stolen over him but he knew it wasn’t the temperature. He was cold on the inside. Dead. Still breathing and yet dead. He had been for a long time.

Now, sitting at his desk, his gut clenched. His chest ached. It shouldn’t. He should be relieved. It was done. There was no possible way for Pippa to misunderstand.

Clean break. He’d done exactly what he should have done from the very beginning.

So why didn’t he feel vindicated? Relieved, even? He should be glad. He could go back to his unemotional existence where he didn’t have to feel pain.

Only none of that was true. He hurt now. He hurt so damn much that he couldn’t breathe around the knot in his throat.

He’d lost Pippa.

The very thing he’d tried to protect himself from was the pain of loss. The despair and frustration of not being able to keep a loved one safe was his reality. Right here, right now.

He’d lost Pippa. He’d lost his son.

His son.

An innocent, precious life.

A child who deserved to have the world at his feet. Two parents who loved him. A father who’d protect him from all the hurts and disappointments life had to offer.

Oh, God, he was a bastard. He was such an unfeeling monster, just what Pippa had accused him of being. Only he wasn’t unfeeling. Right now he’d give anything not to be able to feel this agony.

Seeing Pippa tonight and the evidence of just how low he’d brought her down made him want to die. She’d stood before him, pain in her eyes, and yet she’d still put herself out there. She’d taken a chance. Laid it all out.

And he’d slapped her down because he was afraid.

It was humbling to realize just what a coward he was. What a coward he had been for so long.

He’d been given something many people never got. Something others wished for, would kill for, would live every single day of their life in gratitude for.

A second chance.

Another chance at something so special and wonderful.

Pippa was a breath of fresh air into a life he’d quit living. He went through the motions. He performed. But he’d stopped truly living a long time ago.

Pippa had changed all that. From the moment he’d first seen her walk into a room, she’d been like a bolt of lightning to his senses.

Her smile, her laughter, her take-no-prisoners attitude. Her confidence. Her inner beauty. And her courage.

When he really stopped to consider just how much she’d had to shoulder alone these past few months it made him physically ill. She was young, had plans. She could have anyone and yet she’d chosen him. He’d made her pregnant and yet she soldiered on, making the best of a difficult situation.

She’d fought fiercely, was still fighting fiercely for his son. He was so damn proud of her and so damn ashamed of himself that he couldn’t bear to think about it.

He didn’t deserve her. She was right about that.

But he wanted her. Oh, God, he wanted her.

It was laughable that he’d actually thought that he could spare himself the pain of loss by shutting himself off and away, by closing the door on a relationship with Pippa.

He’d been so worried about losing her that the very thing he feared the most had happened. At his instigation!

Stupid didn’t even begin to cover it.

He pushed upward from his chair, suddenly agitated and more determined than he’d ever been in his life.