The Recruit (Highland Guard #6)(95)

But it was more than that.

“You should have more faith in me.” He was right. She’d seen him fight. She knew what he could do; it was just that he wasn’t fully healed. But his admonition was about more than his fighting skills. Yet how could she believe in him when he wouldn’t make her any promises?

Of course, she’d never asked him for any. She’d just tried to accept what she thought was her fate. She’d tried to make do with what life had doled out, the way she always did.

But that wasn’t good enough. Not this time. She wasn’t content to be grateful for what she had. She wanted more. She wanted his heart.

But how was she going to breach the seemingly impenetrable wall that had been erected between them?

Every time she inquired about his day or activities, he cut her off. Even her attempt to tend the wound on his jaw he’d received in a tavern brawl the week before was refused. Though he’d yet to resume full activity in the practice yard, he had suffered an inordinate number of scrapes and bruises lately. But every time she expressed concern, he bristled as if she were questioning his skill, so she’d stopped mentioning it.

Lent was nearly over, but she dared not wait for him to return to her bed. What if he did, and it was merely a repeat of the last time? Or worse, what if he didn’t return at all?

The answer of what to do came to her a few days before Easter when a missive arrived for her from Brother Thomas, the monk who had confused her with the Italian nun. She’d considered enlisting her husband’s help or Sir Adam’s in her search for more information about the nun, but as Kenneth wouldn’t give her the opportunity and Sir Adam had returned to Huntlywood Castle in preparation for his journey to France, she’d sent one of the stable lads with a sizable donation to the church for Easter, and a note asking him to send for her should he hear any more about the nun who looked so much like her.

To her shock and barely contained excitement, the castle priest found her after the midday meal and passed on a message from Brother Thomas that the nun in question had returned.

She raced back to the Hall, hoping to find her husband still lingering with his men. She’d been wanting to ask him for help with her sister and now she had a chance. Surely, he would accompany her?

She found his squire, Willy, and to her surprise learned that Kenneth had returned to their chamber. She hastened across the courtyard and up the stairs.

But once she pushed open the door, the excitement fell from her face. He’d changed from the fine surcote he’d worn to the evening meal into a worn dark leather cotun and chausses. Despair shot through her like a flame, scorching the insides of her chest and throat. She knew what those clothes meant.

“You’re leaving?”

He stiffened, as if bracing himself for something unpleasant. “Aye, I have business in town.”

“At another tavern?”

Perhaps he heard the unspoken accusation in her tone. One corner of his mouth curled. “I thought you didn’t care.”

She swallowed, burying her pride and taking, if not a leap, at least the first step. “What if I do?” she said softly, her heart drumming in her throat. Their eyes locked, and for a moment she thought he wanted to say something, but then he turned away. He didn’t want her to care.

“I may be back late.”

He was back late every night. She swallowed again, the second attempt to break through even harder than the first. Her pride and her heart were raw and ragged. It was like the time she’d asked Atholl to take her and their son with him. “May I come with you? There is something I need to do in town. I’ve had some exciting news, and I would be grateful for your help.”

“I’m afraid it will have to wait.”

“It can’t—”

“Not today, Mary.”

She flinched at his curt tone. Maybe it was too late. Maybe he’d lost interest in her. Maybe it really had only been a game.

“All right.” She tried to hide her disappointment, but she feared she looked just as wounded as she sounded.

“It’s not like that.” He took a step toward her before he stopped himself. “Ah hell.” He muttered another oath, dragging his fingers through his hair. “There is a lot happening right now. I have many things on my mind.”

Things he wasn’t going to talk to her about. “I understand,” she said, even though she didn’t. “You are busy preparing for war.” And women.

“Aye.”

But that wasn’t all of it. She was sure of it. Something was bothering him. What was he keeping from her?

“Edward will be coming north soon. I’ve spoken with Sir Adam, and I think it is time.”

“Time?” she echoed.

“For you to leave the castle.”

Mary froze, her senses struck numb. “You are sending me away?” Her voice sounded as ragged and dry as it felt.

He wouldn’t meet her stricken gaze. “The child,” he said. “You won’t be able to hide the babe much longer. There will be less talk this way.”

She didn’t say anything. Tears were burning at the back of her throat, and she feared they would escape if she opened her mouth. He was right—her attendants had guessed her secret weeks ago—but she knew it was also an excuse.

“This was always the plan, Mary.” She met his gaze. “I’m trying to protect you.”