The Program (The Program #1)(48)

“You keep a secret and I will too,” Roger says, his eyes narrowed to slits as he backs down the hall.

Realm takes my hand and gently tugs me to my feet. “Sloane, can you walk?” he asks.

I try to say yes as I lean into him, but I can’t seem to get my balance. Realm bends and then slips his arms under my knees and scoops me up, my head against his chest. He starts toward my room as Roger gets as far against the wall as he can.

“This isn’t over,” Realm says to him before kicking open my door. I can feel his body tense around me, and I wonder what Roger would have done to me if Realm hadn’t shown up. But I push the thought away, clinging to Realm as he lays me in my bed. I ask him to stay, not letting go of his shirt until his arms are around me. Then I drift, unconscious.

• • •

When it’s time for dinner, Realm and I don’t talk about what happened. At least not at first. He helps me get my food even as Derek and Shep break his balls, saying he’s whipped. I’m trembling, alternating between hot and cold flashes like a bad reaction to the medication.

“Can I sit with you?” Tabitha asks, poised at the end of our table. The guys laugh, but Realm moves over.

“Of course, Tabby.”

I smile at him, thinking he’s kind. He’s smart. He reminds me of James in a way, always knowing how to make me feel better. James makes me laugh too, although I can’t remember the last time we did that.

“Here,” Realm says, putting a piece of corn bread on my tray. “You need to eat, Sloane. You’re wasting away.”

“Maybe I want to waste away.”

“Don’t say things like that in here,” he whispers fiercely. “You’ll get flagged again.”

I nod, feeling bad for upsetting him, and I take his hand under the table. “I’m just feeling sorry for myself,” I say quietly. “My memories . . . I don’t have many left.”

Realm squeezes my hand and doesn’t let go. He looks at me like he understands, and then we go back to our dinner, listening as the others talk. I nod when Derek tells us that he’s going to move out of the country once he’s eighteen.

I’m grateful Realm is holding on to me. It doesn’t feel romantic. It feels like a lifeline.

CHAPTER TEN

AFTER A SPIRITED GAME OF CARDS, REALM AND I retreat to the couch to watch a movie with a few others. I’m curled up next to him, and no one says anything: no nurses tell us to move apart. We can do what we want and it’s nice. It’s the first time in a long while that I feel in control.

When Nurse Kell comes in and tells us all it’s time to return to our rooms, Realm pulls me in the other direction instead. “Wanna come hang out in my room?” he asks, motioning down the hall. I shrug, holding on to his arm as we walk.

Opening his door, he allows me to go in first, and then he checks the hallway before closing it behind us. “It’s fun to sneak around, isn’t it?” he asks.

“It is. And I thought nothing could beat being constantly medicated.” I laugh, but a serious expression comes over Realm’s face. He goes to sit on his bed as I sit in the chair facing him. I start to fidget, knowing he wants to talk about Roger.

“Sloane, I have to ask. . . . Did he rape you?”

“What?” I look up, startled. “No.”

“Then what happened?” Realm swallows hard and I know there’s no use in denying it altogether.

“He offered a trade.”

“Oh, God.”

“It was for a kiss. Some . . . touching, but I kneed him really hard when that happened. It was just a kiss.” I feel sick thinking about it, and lower my head, not wanting Realm to see my face.

“And in return?”

“He gave me a pill. Said it would let me hold on to a memory.”

Realm swears under his breath, rubbing roughly at his face. “I’m going to kill him,” he says, mostly to himself. “I told him to leave you alone.”

“He’s done it to others, hasn’t he?” I ask.

Realm nods, and then looks over at me, pained. “I think maybe it’s been going on for a while.”

I cringe thinking about girls here having sex with that freak, and I can’t believe I ever let him touch me. I just wanted to keep my life. Keep myself. I feel violated and stupid, and I wrap my arms around myself as I sit back in the chair.

“It doesn’t work, you know,” Realm says. “The pill to block. With the memory out of context, it’ll never come back or make sense. You shouldn’t take it.”

I flinch as if I’ve been slapped. I’d let Roger touch me, and now I wasn’t getting what I was promised. It was for nothing. I did it for nothing.

“It doesn’t work?” I ask, my voice strained. Realm shakes his head. My world practically crumbles around me. My only hope is gone. I’d pinned everything on keeping the memories. I’m truly lost.

“You should give the pill to me,” he says.

“I can’t,” I say quietly. “I already took it.”

Realm’s face flares with anger. “You idiot,” he says. “You could have been killed.”

Stunned, I lower my eyes, Realm’s harsh words stinging. I move to get up but he reaches quickly for my hand.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I didn’t mean that. Please don’t go. I’m just frustrated, Sloane.” He stops talking, and when I finally look up again, he exhales. “Sorry,” he repeats, sliding his fingers from mine. “Let’s just change the subject, okay?”