The Program (The Program #1)(43)

“No,” I say quickly. I stretch my hand out and cover hers. “They’re taking my memories,” I whisper to her. “They’re erasing me.”

She blinks quickly as if she completely understands, but then her eyes glaze over. “Don’t talk like that,” she says pleasantly. “Or you’re going to get us both thrown into a new facility to start over.”

Tabitha abruptly stands, taking her tray with her, and walks away. My hand feels cold on the white table, and I’m shaking. First the ring and now Miller. What else is missing that I can’t find? What’s happening to me?

And suddenly, I know. I know what I have to do if I plan to make it through this. I leave my tray on the table and walk toward the exit doors. I’m almost there when an older handler stops me.

“Where are you going?” he asks.

“Bathroom.”

“There’s a bathroom here,” he motions toward the back of the room. I try to think fast.

“No tampons in there.”

He stares me down, as if he can tell if I’m menstruating just by looking at me, and then he waves me out. “Hurry up,” he says before going back to monitoring the room.

I rush out into the hall, not sure where I’ll find him. Desperation is making tears sting my eyes, but I blink them back. I need to be stronger. I need to save myself.

It’s when I pass the supply closet that I see him and skid to a stop, sliding in my slipper socks. Disgust twists in my stomach as I watch him counting off rolls of toilet paper and then marking the number on a clipboard. When he notices me, he smiles.

“Hello, Miss Barstow. Can I help you with something?”

“Yes, Roger.” I nearly choke on his name. “I guess you can.”

• • •

Roger locks up the supply closet and leads me back to my room, smiling the entire way, even humming a song. I can barely push myself forward, but I have no choice. The Program has given me no choice but to hold on to what I can.

Roger opens my door and steps aside for me to walk in. When I pass him I smell the strong scent of mints, and I know I’ll never be able to taste peppermint again without gagging. I pause just inside the room, not looking at the bed.

When Roger shuts the door and locks it, I cross my arms over my chest. “First tell me what’s going to happen to Realm.”

Roger chuckles. “Oh, I’m sure Michael Realm will be just fine. He has a habit of getting out of things the rest of you are punished for.”

I furrow my brow. “What does that mean?”

“It means he’ll be back soon. Now I hope this isn’t why you took me aside, Sloane.” He cocks his head as if truly curious. I’m terrified.

“How do I know you can really give me my memories?”

“I can’t give you back your memories,” he says, almost apologetically. “What I can do is let you hold on to select memories. Block them from the antigens.”

“Antigens?”

“The little yellow pill you take,” he says. “It seeks out your memories, the ones that are targeted by Dr. Warren. First you take the red—a sort of truth serum, if you will. And while you talk, it acts like a dye, attaching itself to the thoughts. Then you take the yellow to wipe them all away. It’s not exact, but soon you’ll have less and less to sort through, and they’ll be easier to pinpoint.”

The pills—they’re eating my memories. Dr. Warren said they were just to relax me, but she lied. What else has she lied about?

“How can you help?” I ask Roger. “What can you do to stop them from erasing me?”

He reaches into his pocket and opens a small container. He pinches out a small purple pill. “This can save one stray thought, one thing you don’t want to lose. Of course, it might make you sick, but it could be worth the risk. And if you tell Dr. Warren about this, they’ll strip your mind completely. So if you take it, know that this has to stay between us.”

I look at the little pill he holds up, not sure if it can be true. If he’s just lying to do something horrible to me. “And what do you want in exchange?” I ask, fearing the answer.

He smiles then, the skin crinkling around his eyes. “I’m not a monster, Sloane. Maybe all I want is a kiss.” He pauses. “This time.”

“Bartering for sex?” I try to sound appalled, but I knew it would come to this. I knew and I still asked him here. I had just been hoping for a different answer.

“Course not,” he says. “Like I said, a kiss. A little affection. Affection is good for your therapy, Sloane. Did they not tell you that? In fact, I think you’ve already found that out yourself.”

I know he’s talking about Realm, but I don’t bother responding. He thinks Realm and I are in a relationship, but that will never happen. I’m going back to James.

I reach out and take the pill from Roger’s hands, examining it. “How does it work?”

“You’ll have to concentrate on a single memory. Then you swallow the pill and hold the thought. Don’t mix the memory with anything else or widen the scope, otherwise it won’t be clear in your head.”

I look between the pill and the handler, my throat dry and my hands clammy. It’s just a kiss, but it’s like he’s asking me to jump off a bridge. I can’t move any closer to him, and I feel my resolve start to fade.