Sweet Temptation (The Sweet Trilogy #4)(60)

“When you’re living a life that you gotta deny,

When you feel how we feel, but you gotta keep lying.”

—“Secret Love” by Hunter Hayes

In spite of the sunny southern California weather, it’s possibly the worst winter of my life. I’m filled with self-loathing over my work in New York, I’m missing Anna like mad, and I’m certain she and Kope are together now. I expect a call from Marna any day to give me the bad news.

At Christmas I get the call I’ve been waiting for—the one I’m certain will break me for good. But to my surprise, the call is from Kope himself. My initial thought is that something’s happened to Anna, and my innards plummet.

“Hallo?” I stand in the middle of the television room, gripping my mobile.

“Brother Kaidan.” His voice is too smooth. Too bloody calm.

“Kope. Is everyone all right?”

“Yes. Everyone is fine.”

Then why the f*ck are you calling me? I nearly rail at him, but I contain it, needing to match his proper tone. I ask, “Then to what do I owe this pleasure?”

He pauses and I want to reach through the phone and wallop him.

“Anna says you will not speak with her.”

I stand there, momentarily stunned. Who is he? Her BFF? The last person I need to explain myself to is Kopano.

“What is your point?” I ask tightly.

“My point . . . she still cares for you. I wish to know how you feel for her.”

I nearly laugh. My head falls back and I stare up at the ceiling. I know what this is. Kope is asking permission to make a move.

“That’s none of your concern.” I feel something deadly seeping through me.

“I am concerned because she hurts,” he goes on. “If you care, you should let her know. And if you do not care you should release her.”

The snake. I bloody knew it. I love how he’s trying to make it all about her, not himself.

“So you can have a go at her?” I ask. My heart and lungs have gone haywire.

“I will not pursue her if you do not wish me to. But you must tell me.”

The room goes spotty. This is really happening.

I can barely unhinge my jaw to speak the next words. “It’s not my permission you need, Kope. Talk to her father.” Perhaps if he asks Belial, he’ll get the same heartwarming pep talk I received. Then again, this is Kopano, perfect and safe, with a father who’s not interested in killing Anna—not set on making her work.

Kope wants to make her happy. Is that what she wants from him?

“Please, Kaidan.” He sounds weary, and I wonder where he is and what they’re up to. “I do not wish to quarrel.”

“Tell me: Does she know about you yet?”

He falls silent and I slowly grin without humor—I’ve reminded him he’s not perfect.

“No,” he finally whispers.

I think about him unleashing himself on Anna. Who knows what would happen if Kopano actually let loose? “Be careful,” I say.

“I am ever aware, brother. And now I need your honesty. What are your feelings for her?”

A laugh escapes me, but I’m not amused. Not one bit. I feel like an animal backed into a corner by his persistent pushing. I hate Kopano at this moment more than I’ve hated anyone. He knows I have no right to keep her from moving on. She is her own person, and I’m not allowed to see her. If I’ve truly let her go the way I swore I would after the summit, I cannot hold on to any part of her, even from afar.

Perhaps to the outside world it looks as if I don’t care about her anymore, but I believe Kope knows the truth. He’s taking advantage of my inaction.

As much as it kills me, I have to wonder if this is my true test of self. Can I do what’s best for Anna if it means she’ll be with Kopano? If they are meant for each other, can I stand aside and let them be together?

I squeeze my eyes shut and try hard not to crumble as I say the next words. “I’ve made it clear to her there’s no future for us, mate. So have at it. Best of luck to you.”

I wish I could say I spoke those words with a gracious heart. I wish I could say I’m happy for them. That doing the right thing feels good. But I can’t, because my heart is full of malice, and I’m afraid it will eat me alive.

I want Anna to be happy. I want her to have what I can’t, even if it murders my heart every day of my life.

Come February, Blake and I are still in the dark about where Anna and Kopano are traveling, and why. It’s taking every ounce of self-control I can muster not to call Anna and ruin a year’s worth of self-control. It is work staying away from her, knowing her feelings have likely changed. It’s the only selfless thing I’ve done in my life, and let’s just say I’m not happy about it.

I’m a right bear to be around.

No sex, plus no Anna, plus Anna with Kope, equals the recipe for one mad chap.

I’ve been in two fights this month already, which hasn’t happened in ages. The second was yesterday in Santa Barbara with some knob who does motocross with Blake. So I’m not surprised today when Marna rings me.

“Babe, you’ve got to stop this. I mean it.”

“Stop what?” I fall back on my bed, rubbing my forehead. “Everything’s fine.”

“They’re only friends. I swear to you.”