Rush (Breathless #1)(50)

“It pissed me off and it humiliated me because all I could think was that you weren’t satisfied with me and that I wasn’t woman enough for you. We’ve been together, what, a few times and you’re already shopping for your next contract?”

“That’s bullshit,” Gabe said, angry that she’d been hurt by his actions. “Complete and utter bullshit. Look, I danced with her. I let her make her play for me because I wanted my father to see what he was tangled up in. She wasn’t subtle at all and I wanted my dad to see that. It pissed me off when he walked in with her and it made it worse that she was putting the moves on me with my dad right there. I haven’t gotten over my parents’ divorce. I’m not used to seeing my dad with a new woman every week. My mother is at home grieving for her marriage while my dad doesn’t seem to give a f**k. So yeah, I let her make her play and I made it obvious what she was doing, because my dad needs to see what kind of woman he replaced my mother with.”

Mia’s eyes softened and some of the anger left her as she touched Gabe on the arm. “It hurts you to see him with all these other women.”

“Hell yes it does,” Gabe bit out. “I looked up to them my entire f**king life. I was humiliated when Lisa and I divorced. I felt like the biggest damn failure because here my parents had kept it together and worked through their differences for almost forty years and I couldn’t keep my marriage together for three. They were an example of what marriage could be. They were proof that love does exist in this day and age and that marriages can make it if people work at it. Then all of a sudden, my dad walks out and they’re divorced within months. I still don’t understand it. It makes no goddamn sense. And I hate what it’s done to my mom. I’m so goddamn furious with my father and yet I love him. He let me down. He let our family down. And I can’t forgive him for that.”

“I understand,” she said gently. “When my parents died, I was so angry with them. How stupid is that? It wasn’t their fault. They certainly didn’t intend to get themselves killed. They were the victims of a drunk driver. And yet I was so angry with them for leaving me. If it weren’t for Jace, I don’t know what I would have done. He was my rock. I’ll never forget all he did for me.”

Gabe squeezed her to him. He knew she’d had a very difficult time after her parents had died. Jace had despaired of how to help her, of what to do. She was angry and grief stricken, and she’d seemed unreachable. It had driven Jace crazy as he tried to reach her, to take care of her and offer her love and support.

Jace had raised her, like a substitute father. Only he’d been everything to Mia. Father, mother and brother. Protector, sole source of support. Not many men would have done what he did, pushing everything to the side, any possibility of a family or relationship in order to take sole responsibility for a younger sister. Gabe admired him for that.

Mia hesitated and then put a small distance between her and Gabe, a fact he didn’t like, but he resisted the urge to anchor her more firmly against him. The action seemed too desperate, too needy. And he didn’t want to need anyone.

“Gabe…” She broke off, her expression filled with uncertainty. She seemed to battle whether or not to pose the question burning in her eyes.

He waited, unsure himself of whether he wanted her to ask whatever it was she was working up the nerve to say.

“What happened with you and Lisa? I know it hurt you—damaged you. I know she was the one to leave and that it had far-reaching ramifications.”

Gabe was silent a long moment. The very last thing he wanted was to discuss Lisa, or the betrayal he’d felt over the way they’d split up. Did he owe it to Mia to explain? No. He didn’t owe anyone a damn thing. But still, he felt himself loosening, wanting to explain to her so that maybe she would understand why the contract, why the exacting requirements. He’d never once explained himself to any of the women he’d been with since his divorce. It wasn’t a habit he wanted to get into. But Mia was different, and he realized this even as he grappled with the knowledge that her being different was dangerous.

“I’m sure the contract seems…extreme…to you,” he began. “Even cold. Heartless. Domineering. It probably makes me a huge ass**le. There are a lot of words that come to mind.”

She didn’t respond, but he could see the knowledge in her eyes. There was no quick denial. No attempt to make him feel better, and he liked that about her. But there was no judgment either. Just…curiosity.

“Lisa and I shared a relationship in which I had complete control. I don’t want to delve into the whys and wherefores. Some things just are. It was—is—a need that I have. I don’t have some traumatic childhood that makes me the way I am. No emotional instability. It’s a kink, but more than that, it’s who I am. I can’t change that for anyone. I don’t want to change. I’m comfortable with who I am and what I want and need.”

She nodded. “I get that.”

“I don’t know why she left. Maybe I no longer satisfied her. Maybe she no longer wanted the kind of relationship we shared. Hell, maybe she only agreed in an effort to make me happy. Maybe she was never truly happy. I don’t know. At this point I don’t care. But when she left, she made a lot of baseless accusations. She crucified me in divorce court and to the media. She told anyone who would listen that I abused her and my power over her. She painted the relationship as nonconsensual, which was bullshit, because I let her know from day one what my expectations and needs were. I was very careful that she went into our relationship and marriage with her eyes wide open.”