Rowdy (Marked Men #5)(63)
On top of it all, Poppy was giving me a hard time. I think she knew I was pulling back, pushing space between Rowdy and myself because of her and because of my own hesitation, and she didn’t like it one bit. She told me no less than ten times she would not be the reason I sabotaged my own happiness. She reiterated over and over again that things had never and would never be like that between her and Rowdy. She told me to open my eyes and look at what he had done. He had been brave enough, wanted me enough, to take the risk on starting something with me even though he knew there was a chance I wouldn’t stay in Denver for very long. Poppy insisted that for him to do that was a true sign of how much he cared for me, and I couldn’t argue with her but I also didn’t know if it was enough.
On Friday, Sayer and I sat down in a really posh restaurant located really close to the shop and she fed my own words back to me as I begrudgingly told her the details of the entire situation.
“He’s worth it.”
He always had been but that didn’t mean I was as brave as he was and ready to put it all on the line just to end up his second choice. I had never loved anyone after I loved him when he was my only source of joy in my youth and I doubted I would ever be able to love anyone beyond him. He had become my source of everything as an adult.
Unable to think about any of it anymore, I switched the subject and asked Sayer to tell me more about growing up with the man that had left his son in no-man’s-land rather than claim him as his own. As she gave me a glimpse into her history I started to think Rowdy may have gotten off lucky and his idea that everything happened for a reason might be valid. There had to be a greater reason for him ending up next door with the Ortegas than just because. He never would’ve been able to withstand the chilly upbringing and frozen parenting Sayer had been subjected to. It sounded hauntingly familiar and even worse than my own home had been.
I told her about my own father and how his rules and ironfisted control over my family had driven me out of the house in desperation and explained to her why that had left such a lasting impact on Rowdy over the years.
“He was so little when his mom died. He doesn’t really remember much about her, but from what he does, I think she was wonderful to him. All he says is that he remembers her being really happy and always smiling. He said her smile could light up a whole room. When she was ripped away from him and he ended up in the system, I don’t think anyone knew what to do with a wild kid that was being eaten alive by grief. He just felt so alone.” I sighed and noticed that Sayer was blinking really hard to keep her emotion in check. “I remember one day after school I found him sitting on the porch of our house. He was only eleven or twelve at the time and he was really upset. I asked him what was wrong and he told me they were doing a family history project in one of his classes and that the other kids were teasing him because he only had one branch—him. I could see he wanted to yell about it, to cry at the unfairness of it all, but it was just like he had accepted that everyone he loved was gone and he would be on his own forever.”
I shook my head and picked up the glass of wine I had been working on with dinner. “I told him the tree just wasn’t done growing yet. He would add to it as he got older. He would fall in love, have kids, have in-laws, and make his own St. James orchard. I think it helped at the time but then I turned around and blew out of town and my sister turned him down when he offered to marry her, so neither of us exactly helped ease his long-held fears about being left by the ones he loved the most.”
She grinned at me and picked up her own glass of wine. “I would be happy to be a branch on that tree. We could help each other in never being alone again.”
I nodded. “He’ll figure that out eventually. Poppy keeps trying to tell me he has always loved her like a sister, that he just didn’t know it at the time because he was so worried about everyone leaving him. If that’s the case, there is no way he won’t eventually come around and want to love his actual sister in the same way.”
“I sure hope so.” She lifted an eyebrow at me and pointed the rim of her wineglass in my direction. “And I hope you realize that you are doing the exact same thing he did. Letting fear decide who you’re going to be with. You already spent a decade working your way back to where you wanted to be. It’s absolutely foolish to waste that because of something that might or might not be. From everything you’ve told me and everything I’ve seen, Rowdy isn’t the type to beat around the bush. If he had feelings for your sister at all, he wouldn’t be furious at you and hounding you for avoiding him this last week. He’s trying to get you to see him looking for you, Salem, the same way you came looking for him after all this time.”
I made a face that had her laughing and I couldn’t resist ordering dessert when our server came by and asked if we wanted anything else. I was bummed out and missed my man, so ice cream and brownies were absolutely called for.
“I didn’t have a choice. I think I’ve been trying to find my way back to him since the second I left.”
“That must have been hard for both of you.”
“Yeah. As soon as I left I knew things weren’t going to be easy for him but I hoped for the best. The foster family he stayed with through high school were really nice people and I think they took care of his basic needs, but there was no one there to help him figure out his future or to teach him how to follow his heart. Did you know he played football? He could have gone pro if he wanted.” I couldn’t help the pride that snuck into my tone. “He was amazing but he never loved it. It was just a way to fit in. He loved art and he wanted to draw. He was amazing at that as well and that was his true passion, his real calling.”