Redemption Road (Vicious Cycle #2)(36)

Just then our waitress appeared with our salads. At the sight of the overflowing plate, my stomach growled loudly enough for Rev to hear, which caused him to chuckle.

Once we were alone again, I was suddenly overwhelmed when I realized I had just accused him of flirting. After everything I had gone through, how could I possibly think of teasing a man about flirting? Least of all Rev. Not only did it go against the bond of friendship we had established, but it was probably insulting to a man like him. Considering how good-looking he was, never mind what a sweet side he hid, I was sure he had a constant string of women interested in him, whether he reciprocated the attention or not. He certainly didn’t need a physical and emotional mess like me.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing,” I lied as I shoved a large bite of salad into my mouth.

Rev’s fork stilled on his plate. “Something was bothering you. Your whole expression just darkened, not to mention your brows are all tense.”

I swallowed hard. After taking a sip of Coke, I finally looked at him. “I was just wondering what was wrong with me for even mentioning flirting.”

“What was so wrong with that? You were just teasing me.”

I pushed some of the salad around on my plate. “I have these thoughts about the things I shouldn’t say and do after what I experienced in captivity. What I’ve been through. Things that could be misconstrued as inappropriate and wrong. Maybe they’re crazy, maybe they’re not.”

Rev chewed thoughtfully for a moment before he spoke. “Annabel, there isn’t a handbook for people like us. They don’t make the ‘Dos and Don’ts after You’ve Been a Sex Slave’ manual.”

Just the mention of the term “sex slave” caused me to shudder in revulsion. But it was the truth—it was who I was now. A former sex slave. After living through that, I certainly couldn’t be squeamish about it now. It didn’t have to define who I was, but there was no denying it was a part of me. Somehow that title was also dictating to me how I should feel and act, which in the end felt like another form of enslavement. That would be the prime reason why a man like Rev would not be flirting with the likes of me.

While I was lost in my thoughts, Rev reached across the table for my hand. He squeezed it, and that jostled me out of my musings. “You have to do what is best for you, what makes you happy. You can’t worry whether it’s what someone else in your shoes would do. You are your own person, and you hold the keys to your healing.”

Although his words made perfect sense, it was hard to believe them. “I guess you’re right.”

“Are you afraid someone is going to judge you?”

I nodded as tears filled my eyes. “Like someone would think I was sick and disgusting for even being able to have those kinds of thoughts after what happened to me.”

“I don’t think anyone would expect you to be a nun for the rest of your life simply because you were raped.”

“But to be joking with you like that so soon? Doesn’t that mean there’s something wrong with me? I should find men repulsive and the thought of sex revolting.”

Rev shook his head. “It just means the old you is slowly finding its way back to the new you. Even if the two never totally merge again, you can’t be so hard on yourself. We can’t help how we feel.”

“I guess you’re right,” I repeated.

“Take death, for example. Everyone grieves differently. Just because someone isn’t weeping uncontrollably, it doesn’t mean they loved the deceased less than someone who is crying and screaming. We all handle emotions differently. Just like you can’t tell someone the right way or wrong way to grieve, you can’t tell them how to handle life after sexual abuse.”

I tried to digest Rev’s words. They seemed so easy to accept, so logical, when they were coming from him. But in my warped frame of mind, I could say the same thing he had and still not believe it. I had hope that one day I would be okay with how I felt, but for now, I knew I had a long, long way to go.

After our waitress brought us our plates, Rev asked, “Are you okay now?” Even though I wasn’t, I nodded. “You don’t have to lie to me, Annabel.”

With a sigh, I picked up my knife and fork and began cutting into my steak. “Fine. I’m not okay. Because I know that even if I stop worrying about it right now, it’s going to come up again.”

“When it does, just push it away.”

“Easier said than done.”

“I know it is because I’ve been there before myself.”

“Really?”

He fidgeted in his seat. “Yeah, I have.”

“So how did you handle it?”

Rev groaned. “Why do you have to have an example? Can’t you just trust me on this one?”

I shrugged. “I guess I just have to have concrete examples. Call it the scientist in me.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not sure this one will help,” Rev muttered. He momentarily closed his eyes like he was trying to gather his strength. “Okay, fine. Here it is. I thought I was completely sick and twisted whenever I got erections after my attack. I turned twelve a few months later and was a preteen boy who couldn’t help what his body was doing. But in my head, I thought it was me being perverted and wanting something I shouldn’t.”