Need Me (Broke and Beautiful #2)(62)

“There’s a letter in there, too,” Abby said. “Read it.”

Jogging off to join the guys, her friends left her standing dumbfounded on the pitcher’s mound. Honey reached back into the envelope and found a folded piece of notebook paper, the edges torn neatly off. Her fingers felt numb as she unfolded it and started to read.

What I Should Have Written by Ben Dawson.

Dean Mahoney,

There is this girl in my class. This brave, intelligent, golden-eyed girl who glows so brightly that once I saw her, I never had a chance. I’m being paid to teach her, when it should be the opposite. I’ve learned through her that we’re not the past that made us but the choices we make. I’ve learned what it means to forgive and be forgiven. I’ve learned what it’s like to live in the sun. Unfortunately, I hurt her in the process of learning those things, and now she’s gone. Once you’ve lived in the sun, anything else feels desolate. My hope is that she can live in it now for the both of us.

I fell in love with this girl in my class. I could have met her anywhere and I would have loved her. On a ship, passing her on Fifth Avenue, across a busy restaurant. She would have been loved by me in all those places. Any place I’m in for the rest of my life, wherever I’m standing, I will be standing there loving her. Because while I don’t deserve her love, she deserves mine, and she has every ounce of it.

I bought this girl a baseball field. She let me live in the sun for a while, and this is my attempt to return the favor, though it doesn’t compare. It took me some time to figure out what she missed back home that New York couldn’t offer. This girl needs to be needed. She cooks for the friends she loves, she farms for her family. She studies to become a doctor to mend their pain. Perhaps it took me so long to figure it out because I was busy needing her, too. Now these lucky kids get to live in the sun with her.

This girl is Honey Perribow, and she’s extraordinary.

Sincerely,

Professor Ben Dawson

Ben watched Honey through the chain-link fence, his fingers curled around the metal. Oh God, she looked gorgeous, but more fragile than usual. Eyes tired, skin pale. He wanted to press his lips to all of her, warm her, but he wouldn’t. Couldn’t. He’d told himself he would come and make sure she received his gift, but that’s all he would allow. If he went in there now, she might feel obligated to give him another chance, and that’s not what this was about. This was atonement. It was giving her a reason to stay where she was loved. Knowing this city for the good in it, not the bad. Not what he’d done.

His mother had been shocked when he’d called to let her know he’d be withdrawing his portion of the money from the bank. It would have sat there forever if he hadn’t thought of the one use for it he could tolerate. It was kind of a relief, not having it there, actually. He hadn’t even realized how the very idea of such an excessive amount of money had been hanging over his head, taunting him. He’d always viewed the funds as tainted, but with the purchase of the ball field, he’d converted it. Made it new, he hoped.

Honey’s blond hair was whipping around her in the wind, obscuring the side of her face from his view on the sidewalk. Knowing she was reading his words made him ache everywhere, head to toe. Maybe it had been selfish of him to tell her he loved her, but there had been no help for it. The words had poured out onto the page, as if they’d been clamoring to get out. So now she knew. There was something freeing about having it out in the open, even if it made being without her somehow worse.

She swayed a little on the pitcher’s mound, and he shot forward on instinct, rattling the gate by accident. Honey’s head whipped around, and they locked eyes. His heart sped up . . . then dropped to his stomach. She looked . . . miserable. Jesus, had he been all wrong about this? Maybe he’d been presumptuous. Why would she want a single damn thing from the f*cker who’d hurt her in the first place? Maybe she’d mentally moved on and he was dragging her back.

Ben backed away from the gate. This is why he shouldn’t have come. Should have left her with the gift and stayed away. Taking one last memorizing look at her, he turned and walked briskly toward the subway. He’d almost made it to the end of the block when he heard her.

“Ben.”

Damn. It felt painfully good to hear her say his name. It meant he was still in her consciousness, if nowhere else. He knew he should keep walking, let her off the hook from having to thank him, or, worse, making an attempt at friendship. They would never be friends. Not now, when he knew what it felt like to have it all. But he couldn’t leave her there on the sidewalk, calling after him. His entire being rebelled against it, so he turned around.

She was running, blond hair flying out behind her. So goddamn beautiful he cursed under his breath. For a split second, he let himself imagine Honey throwing herself into his arms, but when she skidded to a stop a few yards away, the fantasy popped like a balloon over his head.

A sound of anguish fell from her mouth. “Where are you going?”

It took him a moment to speak. He hadn’t expected to have her this close ever again. “Home.”

“Home.” Her lips trembled. “I don’t even know where you live. I hate that.”

Something akin to hope flared to life in his stomach, but he doused it. “I hate it, too.”

Her eyes were bright with tears. “You bought me a baseball field.”