Leveled (Saints of Denver #0.5)(43)
I felt my eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “What’s going on with work?”
He started to pace back and forth in front of me with a loose gate. “I haven’t been happy at work; you were right about that.”
I snorted. “Obviously.”
He cut me a sideways look and kept moving. I was getting whiplash watching him, but I knew he needed to get whatever was bugging him off his chest, so I didn’t bother asking him to stand still while we talked.
“I couldn’t figure it out. Something was off after I finished all the requalification. I shoulda been doing backflips, but all I wanted to do was drink a beer and sulk.” He paused for a second and put his hands on his hips and looked down at the tips of his black boots. “I thought I just needed to get back in the rhythm of the streets that I just had to find my groove again.” He blinked as he looked up at me. “The groove is gone. The passion I had for my job is gone. Something’s been missing, and I haven’t been able to put my finger on what it is.”
Now that was surprising. “What’s changed?” I loved the idea of him not being in danger every day but I didn’t want him to give up something he loved because of me. I didn’t want him to look back on his life and regret being with me or feel resentful that he had to give up something in exchange for my happiness.
He huffed out a breath and started pacing again. “I changed. For most of my adult life, all I’ve ever been is a cop. That is the skin I was most comfortable in; that was the title I brandished around whenever I felt like I needed to justify who I was as a man. I was scared to lose that, to have to be something other than a police officer because that is all I’ve ever been. I was telling you to take a risk and yet I was refusing to take one of my own.”
I made a hum of agreement but said nothing as he continued to pace and talk.
“It started to occur to me recently that I’ve always been a lot of things that are more important and more impressive than being a cop. I’m a big brother. I’m a son. I’m a best friend. I’m a survivor.” He stopped directly in front of me and his eyes locked on mine. “I’m a boyfriend.”
I couldn’t hold back the grin that teased my lips. “A great boyfriend.”
He grinned back at me and it made my heart trip and my blood start to heat up. “I think I’ve been trying to play the role of a cop instead of actually being a cop since I’ve been back and you’re right, that is a recipe for disaster.”
“So what’s the plan, Dom?” I knew him well enough to know he wouldn’t be here practically jumping out of his skin if he didn’t already have something up his sleeve.
He lifted his hand and rubbed the pad of his thumb over the curve of his bottom lip. The action pulled my attention there and I wanted to replace his thumb with my teeth. “I’ve spent the last month with a rookie partner, a kid fresh out of the academy and while I may be slightly jaded and less enthusiastic about keeping the peace, this kid reminded me what it was like to be new, to have that drive and passion. He also reminded me what it was like to be a clueless kid trying to figure out how to make it home each day when the bad guys outnumber us and are better armed. I am starting thinking about another thing I’ve always been, something else that has always made me happy and fulfilled.” He stopped in front of me and put a hand on the center of my chest. “I’m a good teacher, Lando. I taught my sisters how to ride bikes, I taught them how to change the oil in their cars and most of my favorite memories of going through the academy myself are tied to helping Royal and the other cadets out.”
I reached out my own hand and put it on his hip. He was missing the heavy black belt that held all of his gear, so I wasn’t worried about putting my hands anywhere dangerous.
“I still want to be a cop. I want to be involved in the law and I want to make a difference. Eventually I want to work my way up to detective but the need to pound the pavement and tangle with the bad guys isn’t as strong as it was before I realized I had so many other things that defined the kind of man I am, a man that I know my dad would be proud of.”
I tipped my chin down in a slight nod. “He would be proud of you. I sure am. So if you aren’t on patrol but you stay on the force, what does that mean?”
He took a step closer and when he exhaled his chest brushed against mine. It made desire start to churn thick and slow all throughout my body.
“I mean I’m putting in to transfer to a position at the academy. I understand the hunger, the drive that new cops have and I think I can be more useful to my city fostering that and molding the new generations who will protect and serve than I will be running down drug dealers and arresting petty criminals. I’ve always wanted to make an impact. This allows me to do that.”
He closed the gap between us and kissed one corner of my mouth and then the other. It was a light touch, so soft and delicate that if I hadn’t been looking right at him I would have questioned whether it was real or not.
“It also lets me do something I love without having you look at me like your heart is breaking every time I walk out the door, because you are more than fear too, Orlando. We are worth taking risks and venturing into the unknown.”
If he hadn’t already stretched my heart out so that it was big enough for him to fit into, it might have burst at the sudden rush of emotion his words had surged through it.