Leveled (Saints of Denver #0.5)(39)
He sighed and put my keys into his pocket. He combed both of his hands through his hair and then reached out to put them on my shoulders like he was holding me in place in case I decided I wanted to run again.
“That’s not him, Dom. It’s not the same guy.” I was opening my mouth to snap that I had two functioning eyes in my face when he shook his head. “Twins. They were twins.”
Were? I relaxed my stance a little and crossed my arms over my chest. We just stared at each other for a long moment until Lando sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Remy and Rule Archer. Rule, the guy inside, is the only surviving twin, Dom. Remy got in a car accident several years ago and was killed instantly. For a long time I thought it was all my fault.”
I was trying to follow, but I still felt like I was missing big chunks of the picture. “Why didn’t you just tell me that when I asked you about the picture? You deliberately let me believe it was a relationship that just ran its course and ended badly.”
He let go of my shoulders and took a few steps away so that he could pace back and forth in front of me. “Because I never really dealt with Remy dying, Dom. I loved him … hard. He was my first everything and I was head over heels. I wanted forever and I only got a couple of years. When he died it broke something inside of me and I was never really interested in fixing it. I was going through the motions, thought I was doing things right, and then you show up and show me I’m doing everything wrong.” He cracked out a bitter laugh and turned to look at me with his hands on his hips. “I told you when we first met that the body has its limits and you need to listen to them. Well, so does the heart and I thought mine had reached it and then there you are and all of sudden everything seems limitless. It was scary, Dom. It is scary. I lost someone I loved and in that I lost myself, too. I didn’t even realize it until I started falling in love with you.”
They were pretty words and I wanted to believe them, and the man giving them to me, but I was still unsure and confused. “Why did you think his accident was your fault?” I understood how powerful a motivator guilt could be and was looking for a way inside his reasoning. I had watched it get really close to taking Royal down in its clutches but luckily she was a fighter and had fought back until Asa showed up to pull her all the way free. Guilt would go a long way in explaining why he was still so hung up on the man who had been his first love.
“Because we fought the night he died. We had been fighting a lot after we moved in together. It was supposed to be a huge step forward but ended up being a hundred steps back.”
He scraped a hand over his face and I could see sadness and memories that went along with a light in his eyes. They were so pale they almost looked silver as he continued to look at me.
“Remy didn’t tell anyone he was gay, not his brothers, not his parents, no one knew. He moved in with me and used his best friend, a gorgeous girl with a wonderful soul, as a smoke screen. He let everyone he loved think she was his girlfriend and that we were just roommates. We were together for years, Dom. I never met his family, he never met mine and didn’t want to. At first I dealt with it because I loved him and I thought things would change. I convinced myself that love, like we had, was obvious and impossible to hide and keep in the shadows. I was wrong.”
A noise escaped my throat even though I was trying my best to be impassive and listen to his story with my head and not my heart. But he was breaking, shattering right in front of me, and that stabbed right into my heart. He was shaking and it had nothing to do with the chill in the air and I could tell the iciness in his stare was going to melt soon and that tears would follow. I had seen many parts of Orlando since we started, whatever it was we had started, but this was him showing me his soul. Uncovered, unprotected and out from behind the shield of fear he normally kept it behind. It was beautiful but also hard to look at.
“On the night he died it had been a bad day. I was getting ready to graduate from school and was looking at different teams I could intern with. I told him maybe it was a good idea to leave Denver, that maybe we should leave and go somewhere that no one knew us so we could be free to be who were. He freaked out and told me he would never leave his family, he would never leave Rule or Shaw.”
The first tear fell but before I could stop myself, I leaned up on my tiptoes and kissed it off his cheek. His hand curled around the back of my head to hold me in place as he rubbed the smooth surface against the dark bristle that decorated my cheek.
“I told Remy that it was obvious to anyone with eyes that Shaw was in love with Rule and that he was breaking her heart by using her to fool his family and called him out for doing it on purpose. Everyone loved Remy. He was the golden child in the Archer family and I knew they would accept him regardless of who he loved, but he refused to see it. He told me I could move wherever I wanted, but he was staying put. I asked him why he didn’t love me enough to be honest about who he was, who we were together.” Lando’s voice broke and caught in my ear and even though I was still mad at him I moved to put my arms around his waist so I could hold him while he got the rest of the heartbreaking tale out.
“He told me he loved me as much as he could, but he loved his family more so I had to take what he offered or leave it. God, Dom, I wanted to marry him, I wanted to have kids with him … do you know what his words did to me? Rule called in the middle of the argument and asked Rem for a ride. They were always dropping things and running off because the other needed something, so it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, but I was trying to fight for our future and he was more concerned about Rule.”