Kiss Me (Fool's Gold #17)(69)

She put down her brush and stared at the fire. Pain swept through her as she acknowledged it was never going to happen. For reasons she couldn’t control, through circumstances that were no one’s fault, there would never be a baby in her arms.

Emptiness surrounded her until it was big enough to crush her into dust. No child, no family. No memories, no hopes, no dreams.

She and Thad were good people. They didn’t deserve what had happened.

A soft sound caught her attention. She turned and saw Lucy laughing at something Thad had said. C.J. studied the girl’s profile, her pretty face and the hunger that never faded from her eyes.

What did Lucy want? When she was alone at night, what dreams did she have?

A family, C.J. decided. The girl would want a family and to feel safe. Would that ever happen? She sighed. Given the children’s mixed heritage and their age, it was unlikely. So she and Lucy had at least one thing in common—they were both caught up in wishing for what they would never have.

While C.J. didn’t enjoy her own fate, she knew she could survive it. But what about Lucy and Tommy? How would they make it to adulthood only dependent on each other? Alone and unloved in a world that preyed on the lonely.

The solution to all their problems was right in front of her. She acknowledged it even as she rejected it. She might have to give up her dream, but she wasn’t ready to accept something else instead. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

CHASE WAITED UNTIL Thad and C.J. got the kids settled for the night, and Eddie and Gladys made one last trip into the bushes, chattering all the way there and all the way back. Then he walked toward the fire. Zane was there, as he was every night. He was always the last one to go to bed and the first one up in the morning. Chase had the sudden thought that his brother must spend a lot of his life tired of being the responsible one.

He crossed the bare dirt until he reached the fire. His brother didn’t look up as he approached, but he didn’t walk away, either. Chase figured that was about as good as it was going to get.

He stood there, shifting his weight, then finally cleared his throat.

“I’m sorry about before,” he said gruffly. “I misread the situation. I can’t figure out why I did. I know you wouldn’t hurt Phoebe. It’s just...I saw her laying there and I reacted.” He shrugged. “I’m sorry,” he repeated.

He knew Zane wasn’t going to say anything. Apologizing for screwing up never made it better.

His brother looked at him for a long time. Finally Zane tossed the last of his coffee into the fire and rose.

“I know I can be a real bastard,” Zane said. “And I know why you thought something had happened with Phoebe. It’s okay.”

Chase blinked. He couldn’t believe it. “You mean you’re not mad?”

“It was an honest mistake. One that could have cost you your pretty face, but that’s another story.”

Chase grinned. “You saying you could take me, old man?”

“In a heartbeat.”

Chase knew he was tall, but he hadn’t filled out yet. Zane had a couple of inches and about forty pounds of muscle on him. Still, he couldn’t help taking a boxer’s stance and raising his fists.

“When and where,” he joked.

Zane chuckled. “Get some sleep.”

Chase nodded. “’Night.”

He headed to his tent, feeling better than he had in a long time.

* * *

THE FOLLOWING MORNING, Phoebe shared her dilemma with Rocky.

“I’m not sure how much Zane likes me,” she told the gelding, “but he wants me, which is a good thing, right? I mean sexual attraction is exciting.”

She thought of the horse’s limitation in that department. “Am I making you feel bad by discussing this?”

Rocky stomped one of his hooves, which she took to mean it was fine.

“So I was wondering if I should, you know, ride close to Zane this morning.” She buckled the saddle into place and checked the stirrups. “Is that too forward? I don’t want him to think I’m easy.”

She thought about what had happened the previous day. How she’d practically rubbed herself against him like a cat in heat.

“It might be too late for that.”

Rocky shook his head, which she took to be an equine version of “go for it.”

“Okay. If you say so.”

She led Rocky to a stump. She climbed up on it and managed a semi-graceful mount. Once she was settled in her saddle, she urged him forward and joined up with the milling cattle. Zane’s call of “move ’em out” sent a thrill through her, as always.

Manny started out at a slow walk. The other steers fell into place. Phoebe took up her spot, then glanced around casually to see if anyone was paying attention to her. When she was sure she was unobserved, she gave Rocky a very light tap with her heels. He picked up the pace.

After three minutes of bone-jarring trot, she was even with Zane and able to slow to a more manageable walk. Of course now that she was here, she didn’t know what to say.

She settled on a simple, “’Morning.”

He responded with one of his familiar grunts.

Phoebe reminded herself of his claim to want her and how hard he’d gotten while they’d been kissing and how he’d touched her breast. Courage in place, she sucked in a breath.