Kaleidoscope (Colorado Mountain #6)(99)

He closed his eyes but opened them again when I kept talking.

“I wanted that. I wanted you to give me that, giving it to me by holding the baby we made in your arms. I wanted it more than anything else I’ve ever wanted in this world, except you. But Harvey lost his daughter and for three days my parents lost me and I couldn’t hack it. So I did what was safe. What was familiar. What you knew I was doing. But I couldn’t help it because I didn’t even know I was doing it. I felt the terror of possibly losing you, losing a child I’d made with you, and did what I’d trained myself to do since he took me. I retreated to protect myself from the possibility of that ever happening to me.”

“Baby, I love it that you’re seeing this. That you get this. But we’ve been here before and you still pulled away from me. What happened five minutes ago, it’s clear you aren’t dealing, and like your dad, you haven’t been dealing for twenty-two years. To do that and do it right, you have to talk with somebody,” Jacob said gently.

“I know.”

I watched him blink right before relief, sweet and pure, suffused his features.

“They’re burned on the backs of my eyelids, honey,” I told him.

“Who?” he asked.

“Mom and Dad at the station. But I trained myself not to see.”

He nodded. More understanding.

God. Jacob Decker.

So f**king amazing.

“Are you good with letting someone help you erase that?” he asked carefully.

I didn’t answer. Instead I stated what I knew. What I’d been denying. What, if I allowed myself to understand it, I knew would kill me.

“Dad sees it, like me. I know he does sometimes in the way he looks at me.”

“He loves you, baby.”

Yeah. Oh yeah. My dad so, so loved me.

Tears filled my eyes. “Yeah.”

“You can’t see Harvey anymore.”

Poor Harvey.

Poor me.

I should never have gone to him. It probably wounded him every time.

But I needed him.

Now I didn’t.

But I’d miss him.

Tears slid down my cheeks. “Yeah.”

“And I’m gonna see to you.”

I knew it. I knew he would.

Jacob loved me.

Jacob had always loved me.

My breath hitched and I repeated, “Yeah.”

Then I dissolved.

Jacob pulled me closer, tucking my face in his neck.

And as I leaked everywhere, finally let it out after holding it for so long inside me, Jacob didn’t allow me to fall apart.

In his lap, on my couch, his big strong arms around me, he held me together so maybe… maybe…

I could finally find me.

And then be happy.

* * *

Deck

Twenty hours later…

Deck pulled up to the curb, shut down his truck and swung out.

Before he was halfway up the walk, the door opened.

He stopped at the bottom of the two-step stoop and took in Harvey Feldman.

Not surprisingly, the man looked old and beaten.

Surprisingly, he also looked kind.

“Emmanuelle will not be coming to see you again but if you attempt any form of contact, you’ll be seein’ me,” he stated.

Harvey Feldman closed his eyes and whispered, “Thank God.”

Deck stared.

The man opened his eyes and Deck spoke.

“I see you’re down with that.”

“No, sir. I am not down with that. I get the impression you know what it would be like to lose Emme. What I am is relieved to know that Emme finally has someone looking after her.”

The last part was a surprise.

The first part he did not like.

“I suggest you get down with it,” Deck warned.

His eyes grew intent and he asked, “I assume you’re Jacob Decker?”

This also wasn’t surprising. In the last day, when she wasn’t sleeping, Emme had shared everything including the fact she’d told Feldman everything.

So Deck didn’t answer. Instead, he jerked up his chin.

Feldman nodded. “Then, Mr. Decker, I’ll tell you that the first time Emme came to see me, I knew I had not yet endured my penance. No prison can accomplish that. Being locked away with men like the men I shared time with was not fun. But it is no penance. No.” He shook his head. “My penance was different. My penance was doing what I did because I lost all that I had lost and then God giving me the opportunity to get to know Emme knowing someday I’d lose her too.”

Christ.

He cared about her.

Genuinely.

Not expecting that, Deck had no response to it.

“I’ll ask one favor,” Feldman said, and Deck had a response to that.

“You’ll get no favors.”

“I have a feeling you’ll give this one to me.”

Deck held his eyes and ordered, “Spit it out.”

“I’ll need your contact details so I can get in touch with you should she attempt to contact me.”

“She won’t do that,” Deck returned firmly.

Feldman shook his head, a ghost of a smile on his lips. But it was no ghost, the pain lurking in his eyes.

“She hasn’t given herself completely to you. When she does, you’ll see.”