Kaleidoscope (Colorado Mountain #6)(94)

She smiled. It was small but it was sweet.

I kept talking.

“And I didn’t know why I asked you to meet me for lunch but now I’m glad I did.”

“I am too.”

I nodded. Then admitted, “But I think it’s because I’m trying to work some things out. Come to my own realizations.”

“And I think that’s good,” she said softly.

“I broke up with Jacob,” I blurted suddenly.

She blinked.

Then she asked, “What?”

“He didn’t exactly accept that,” I shared.

It was her turn to stare at me

Then she burst out laughing.

“It’s not what I would consider amusing,” I said into her laughter.

She swallowed it down and focused on me.

“You know,” she started. “I’d always get so jealous when I heard you call him Jacob and he let you. He didn’t let anyone call him that, except his mom and you. Not even me. And I hated it when he’d say, ‘Babe, call Emme, ask her around for dinner,’ and I knew he wanted to spend time with you. And I hated when we’d go to your place and you two would eat and argue and laugh and it felt like I wasn’t even there.”

We did that to her. Not even knowing it, we did it.

Being in my end of that triangle, I didn’t see it. Jacob didn’t either.

But Jacob was right. Elsbeth did.

“Elsbeth,” I whispered.

“Yeah,” she grinned, “my boyfriend was totally cheating on me with my BFF and neither of them knew it. But I did.”

“Oh my God,” I breathed.

I breathed it because my lungs had caught fire and they’d caught fire because we’d done that too.

“Lots of ways to cheat,” she told me, her smile fading. “Last summer I did my last stupid act on earth, swear to God, Emme, and I’m sure you know what it was. Totally messed up. But that was where my head was at. I needed proof that I’d made a mistake, I had to rectify it, namely making the decision to leave my husband, and to do that, I retraced my steps to find where I went wrong. Unfortunately for Deck, he gave me that opening by calling me.”

“That wasn’t cool,” I told her quietly.

“It totally wasn’t,” she agreed. “It was selfish and stupid and hurtful. But it was the old me. It was the last thing I vowed to myself I’d do as the old me. And doing it made me see I had to get rid of the old me and find a new me.”

“I wish you’d left Jacob out of it.”

She pulled in a breath and replied, “I wish I did too. But I can’t change history. I can just make sure it doesn’t repeat.”

I was not really fired up about where our talk was leading, so I noted, “This is a very weird conversation.”

“Yeah,” she said softly.

“I don’t much like it,” I told her. “This part, that is.”

She pulled in another breath before she said, “I understand that, Emme. Years ago I messed up, hurt Deck, lost him and lost you. I messed up again, again hurt Deck and by extension you. I’d hoped I could make amends, explain, apologize, I don’t know, whatever I needed to do not to have either of those things happen, losing Deck or you. But I understand if they do.”

I studied her.

Then I stated, “I’m glad you understand because I can’t go there right now. I’m dealing with some stuff I have to straighten out. And what you did wasn’t cool, back when you broke up with him or last summer. I appreciate you having the courage to call Jacob, explain and apologize and also come and meet me. But I can’t see where we would go, you and me, or you, me and Jacob. Not right now. Maybe someday.”

I took a breath, gentled my voice and finished.

“But the way our conversation turned indicates that’s always going to be between us three. And I don’t want to hurt you, but, truthfully, I think the water’s under the bridge. We’re both safe on our opposite sides. Maybe we should stay that way.”

Her eyes still watching me, I could tell she didn’t like it but she still said, “Okay, Emme.”

Her sparkling water came.

She poured it, watching her glass fill, saying, “Maybe it’s best that we don’t, uh… have lunch. I’ll leave you be.” She put the bottle down and looked at me, “But can I say one thing?”

I didn’t know if I wanted her to. This was strange. There were ways it was a good strange. There were ways it was a bad strange. But the whole thing was just strange.

The only reason I could think for why I was doing what I was doing that day was that, using intuition, I was amassing whatever it was I needed to figure out what was up with me. Then I could sort through the good and bad and find out what was inside me that was apparently making me stop myself from being happy.

I mean, boiling it down, I broke up with Jacob (unsuccessfully) mostly because he was a Republican.

And that didn’t hint at psycho.

That just was.

Because of all this, I answered Elsbeth’s question with a, “Sure.”

“Do not let him go.”

I drew in breath through my nose.

“He thinks the world of you, Emme. Way back when and the way he spoke about you last weekend. You need that. Every girl does. If you let everything else in your life slip through your fingers as you move on to whatever it is you’re searching for, keep hold of him.”