Illuminae (The Illuminae Files #1)(41)


I’ve been thinking about your father as well. I miss him very much, too. He always jokes I wouldn’t notice if he went missing, so you’ll have to be sure to tell him for me that you heard me say it! I love him, and goodness, I wish he was here.

Speaking of people we love, I do wish you’d get in touch with Ezra. I can’t think why he hasn’t tried to contact you himself, except that he must be under the impression you don’t want him to. I’m sure if you spoke to him he’d understand that words you spoke in anger back on Kerenza don’t matter anymore in the light of what’s happened. It’s important to let the ones you love know that you love them, and I’d feel better knowing the two of you have each other.

Give it some thought, baby girl, and take good care of yourself! I might not have a chance to write again soon, but don’t worry about me. Keeping busy!

Love you lots,

Mom

Hey Mom,

You’re turning into the worst penpal ever! That’s three letters you haven’t answered! I’m now going to start withholding until you show up. So, you want more news, pony up! What’s going on over there?

Love, your abandoned daughter,

Kady

I’m getting kind of worried. Will you please just send me a one-liner and let me know you’re okay over there?

xK

Date: 07/11/75

Text: I can’t

I want my Mom.

I WANT MY MOM.

I want to feel how soft she is when she hugs me and I lean into her. I want her hair tickling my nose. I want the way she smells, like the lab and clothes softener. I want her humming something really horribly out of tune as she heats up dinner, then starting to sing and making up the words. I want her stuffing my mittens in my bag and then turning out to be right when it starts snowing before lunch. I want to hear her voice on a call with Dad after I’m asleep, all soft and mushy when she thinks I can’t hear, with these long silences when I know he’s doing his charming thing. I want her marathoning shows with me that we’d both die before we admit we watch. I want her making tragic, inappropriate remarks about the boys on the shows in an attempt to pretend she’s not old. I want her talking earnestly about my education. I want her telling me to lighten up.

I just want her telling me anything. What to do.

Please, I want my Mom. I can’t do this on my own.

Mason, E, LT 2nd: they took your mom to the Copernicus

Mason, E, LT 2nd: she was on there when …

Mason, E, LT 2nd: god, i’m so sorry Kades

ByteMe: Ez. please keep talking to me. I’m sorry.

Mason, E, LT 2nd: jesus this is so f*cked up

Mason, E, LT 2nd: i’m sorry i yelled at you

ByteMe: i get it. u had the right

ByteMe: nothing about this makes sense. I swear I don’t know what the right thing is, except trying to keep us all alive.

Mason, E, LT 2nd: this whole time, i thought she was on Hypatia with you

Mason, E, LT 2nd: god, why didn’t you tell me, Kades?

ByteMe: don’t know really

ByteMe: u were worried enough without me making it worse. i didn’t want to think about it. i didn’t want it to be true. take your pick.

Mason, E, LT 2nd: it was like that when my dad died

Mason, E, LT 2nd: like, sometimes I’d be talking about him to the guys and i’d realize i was using words like “is” instead of “was.” Like he was still here

Mason, E, LT 2nd: part of me just wouldn’t believe it.

ByteMe: and here I am, asking u to be here for me exactly like I wasn’t for you. more than I deserve, i get that.

Mason, E, LT 2nd: More than you deserve?

Mason, E, LT 2nd: you deserve every star in the galaxy laid out at your feet and a thousand diamonds in your hair. You deserve someone who’ll run with you as far and as fast as you want to. Holding your hand, not holding you back.

Mason, E, LT 2nd: You deserve more than I could ever give you, Kady.

Mason, E, LT 2nd: But I’ll give you everything I can if you still want me to.

ByteMe: I don’t know how you can say that, but I don’t care. I just want it to be true. you’re all i have, but it will be okay if I still have you.

Mason, E, LT 2nd: you have me

Mason, E, LT 2nd: until the last star in the galaxy dies

Mason, E, LT 2nd: you have me

ByteMe: let’s try really, really hard not to die.

ByteMe: i really want to see you in person first.

ByteMe: don’t care where we end up.

ByteMe: i think Heimdall must be gone. Otherwise help would have come for us. so that’s my dad, too.

Mason, E, LT 2nd: you don’t know that. try not to think about it. You’re carrying enough already

ByteMe: I’ll try.

ByteMe: I tried so hard to get across to the Copernicus. I still feel like there’s something more I should have done.

ByteMe: but we both know she’d kick my ass from here to Sunday if I didn’t do my best to keep going now.

Mason, E, LT 2nd: she would :)

Mason, E, LT 2nd: she was pretty awesome, your mom

ByteMe: i hoped for a while she was on one of the shuttles, that she might be on the Alexander. I tried everything to find the names of the people in bay 4. Byron tried too. I’m grateful now she wasn’t.

Mason, E, LT 2nd: if you didn’t find the names, how do you knwo she didn’t make it across?

Amie Kaufman, Jay Kr's Books