His Reverie (Reverie #1)(53)

I thought I would feel differently this time around, with the guilt hanging over me after what I’ve done with Nicholas, but I didn’t. I ran toward Daddy when I first saw him, wrapping him in such a huge, clinging hug he laughed with surprise and held me tight. Then murmured close to my ear how much he loved me and missed my smile.

It felt good. Reassuring. I’ve said a lot of prayers since what happened with Nick. Had a lot of conversations with God, searching for answers but not really finding any besides my ever present guilt. I love Nick. That I don’t doubt for a minute. What happened between us felt good and right and so wonderful, I never wanted it to stop.

But in the eyes of the Lord, what we did was wrong. It was a sin. I made a promise and I broke it. I was no longer pure. I fell asleep crying, my heart aching with confusion and remorse. I hated feeling so conflicted.

This morning though, I woke up feeling cleansed. Ready to face anything and everything. I steeled myself, waiting for the blow. For the confrontation. For the big speech they would give me, how they would ground me, take away my phone forever and hold me prisoner in my room for the rest of the summer.

None of that happened. Mama ignored me and Daddy seemed distracted. He locked himself up in his study the moment he came home. Mama poured herself a giant glass of wine and sat out on the patio alone, clutching her cell phone tight as she talked intently for well over an hour to someone. I don’t know who.

She didn’t even say hello.

Evan took off the moment he realized they weren’t paying him any attention. I’m in my room by the open window, staring at the night sky, wishing I was anywhere else.

Wishing I was with Nick.

I might’ve entered my number in his phone but I didn’t get his. What a mistake. Now I can’t get a hold of him. I have to wait for him to reach out to me. But he was so mad when he dropped me off, I don’t know if that’s ever going to happen.

So I wait. My night with Nick still vivid in my mind, my body tired, my spirit defeated.

Was he just using me? Maybe I was a novelty for him to toy with. The famous reverend’s daughter who’d never been kissed. Never had a boyfriend. The poor, naïve girl he could easily trick into his bed.

I don’t want think that’s the case but I don’t know.

And the unknown is the worst.

31

Realize: to grasp or understand clearly

July 31st

I’m lying in bed, wallowing in my own misery like a sullen idiot. I miss her. I hate that she’s not with me. Reverie. I can worry about Krista and what she’s going to do to us to ruin everything I want, but it doesn’t stop me from missing my girl.

And she’s mine. I can’t deny it. I was such a shit, the way I dropped her off at her house without saying a word. Like she didn’t matter to me. I’m a complete liar. She matters to me more than I ever want to admit, even to myself. She’s everything to me.

As I spend too much time alone with my thoughts, I’m realizing denying my feelings for Reverie is pointless. When I take a cold hard look at my life, I know I have nothing. No hope, no purpose, only darkness and despair and a life ahead of me filled with constant disappointments. All sorts of strikes are against me and I don’t even bother trying to conquer them. I’m just rolling with it because this is all I expect. All I think I could want.

Meeting Reverie, seeing her smile, hearing her say my name, tasting the sweetness of her lips…she gives me purpose. She makes me want to change and become better. To actually do something with my life and rise above it all, you know?

More than anything else, she gives me hope.

I grab my phone off the rickety old bedside table that belonged to Mom when she was little and I search through my contacts, looking for Reverie’s number. I can’t find it though. Panic strikes as I scroll through the relatively small list again but it’s not under R and I know she entered it. I watched her do it.

But then as I go back yet again and search, I find something that makes me smile. She didn’t enter it under her real name. She put it under D.

For Daydream.

My girl is tricky. And I love it.

I hit send text as my option and stare at the blinking cursor, wondering how the hell I should approach her. I’m taking the coward’s way out already by sending her a goddamn text but like a baby, I’m afraid to call her. What if she doesn’t answer? She doesn’t even know my number and there’s no way I’ll leave her a voicemail. Her parents could monitor that crap and we’d be caught.

Fuck it. I type a quick message and hit send.

Not even ten seconds later and I get a reply.

Nicholas? Is this you?

Yeah it’s me. Are you okay?

I chew on my lower lip as I wait for her answer.

Not really.

Those two words make my heart crack open. I wish I was with her. I wish I had her by my side and my arm around her shoulders, holding her tight. I wish I could take away all her pain and make it go away. Until all she can focus on is me and her and the two of us together.

But I can’t. All I can do is send her a text message.

Tell me what’s wrong?

Anxiety races through me. I want to fix whatever’s bothering her but I don’t know how. I’m not even sure if she’ll let me.

Something’s wrong with my parents. They seem upset but I’m pretty sure it’s not at me. I can’t figure it out.