Hanging On (Jessica Brodie Diaries #2)(64)

Lump nodded and was gone. Jane stepped in beside me to take Lump’s place.

“Shhhhhh, now. Shhhhhhh,” She coo'd as she picked a country song. “Jess, you know he loves you. But you did the right thing. You have to stick up for yourself. You have to be treated how you need to be treated. With all you’ve been through in this town, you are really only staying for him. If you can’t count on him, then it just isn’t in the cards for you two.”

Why does everything that has to do with love end up explained in one cliché or another? It seemed that everyone across time had the same feelings to various degrees, and rather than trying to explain them anymore, we just regurgitate the same old dumb sayings and explanations. Yet, they still fit. And everyone understands you when you say them.

But love still mystifies and daunts us. We think we need it, but it has the ability to make us miserable. We put cultural constraints around it, like you can only be with one person, or you marry one person and you are stuck with them for life, but it all seems to be aimed at taming the wild beast that is love, when love obviously can’t be tamed. Like a bull, it can be ridden for a while. Maybe a long while. But that bastard just throws you and bucks you then tramples the shit out of you if you fall off. And my God, I was being trampled by William’s giant bulls right now.

I was also using bulls in an analogy. What had this state done to me?

I calmed my wracking sobs. Lump walked up behind us and said, “Nothing to it. That guy has the most obvious buttons in the world. A push here, a jab there, a little tickle for effect and voila, you have a giant, angry cowboy on your hands. I thought he might punch me back there.” I could hear her glowing behind me. Those two were worse than brother and sister. Ten times more volatile.

“Jess,” Lump said more seriously. “Do you want to leave?”

“I think I just want to get drunk. Really, really drunk.”

“We can do that in a flash,” Claire said. “But do ye want to do it here, or somewhere’s else?”

I was not capable of making the decision to leave William. I also didn’t want to escalate the situation. Plus, I didn’t know where else to go.

I decided that if he didn’t want to be around me, he could leave. Fresh tears came to my eyes.

“I am going to go to the bathroom,” I stated. “I want to go alone.”

I straightened up and headed to the restroom. I purposely didn’t look in William’s direction, but I could tell the eyes on my back were his. Don’t ask me how, but I could just tell.

In the bathroom I got to work washing the smeared make-up off my face. My eyes were red and puffy, but it would go down soon. My complexion didn’t show crying stains for too long. I was lucky in that way.

Claire walked in with my purse and hers. “Tought you might want some make-up. You look a mess.” She smiled and put her arm around me.

I nodded and smiled. Only these girls knew that the best thing for me wasn’t what I said. Alone really meant: “Please come with me, but I am too proud to ask.”

We talked about nothing for a few minutes to pass the time. When my face looked decent I headed back out to the bar. Lump was arguing with Adam, and both looked like they wanted to hit the other. Adam would never raise his fist to a woman, but if he wasn’t such a gentleman I had no doubt he would try and flatten her.

Lump also kept it a rule not to hit a man unless in self-defense. If she did, she always readied herself to be hit back. No matter the self-control of a man, she said, sometimes they just snapped with physical violence. Plus, it wasn’t fair to hit someone that shouldn’t hit you back.

It made sense, but I still doled out Charlie Horses like candy canes at Christmas.

With these two, though, if there weren’t social rules going on here, they would be at each other’s throats. Literally. With their bare hands to prolong the joy of sucking the life out of the other person.

We headed to the bar and met up with Flem. She had shots and beers ordered.

“Jessica,” she said seriously when we sat on bar stools next to her, “listen. I came up to order these and Little Willie asked that I please put it on his tab. I couldn’t say no to the guy. He was nearly pouting for cripes sake!”

I just nodded mutely, willing my tears to go back into the ducts.

“LUMP!” I yelled.

Lump’s head snapped toward us. She turned back to Adam, gave a fierce “Don’t defy me” look, and came in our direction. Adam watched with murder on his face, hands clenched in anger. I met eyes with him and knew that he wanted to talk to me. He probably wanted to plead William’s case. Either that, or he wanted to apologize himself for leaving me. Whatever it was, he needed to get his own girl to look after, I didn’t want any more man-drama.

I turned back to my shot. The girls joined and down the concoction went. Followed by a gag. We all upended our bottles and drank down half our beers. I gagged again. Time for a quick hangover cure, as Claire would call it, and on to drunk in zero seconds flat. Hopefully then the gagging would stop.

I really just wanted to go home and die.

“Lump, can you leave it alone with Adam tonight?” I pleaded. "I like Adam."

She clenched her jaw and flicked her blond hair. “I will leave him alone, as you say, because you asked. But that ass...Adam had the audacity to come up to me and apologize for offending me last night.”