Hanging On (Jessica Brodie Diaries #2)(63)

Moose leaned back with a bewildered smile on his face. Adam leaned in to look at Jane, and Brad had a smile from ear to ear. William's face lost all expression as he stared at her. His eyes, however, took on a fervor that indicated he was giving everything he had not to blow up at us.

Someone once asked me how you knew when you went too far with someone as sweet and level-headed as Jane. The answer was simple: when she made you feel two feet tall. Jane was obviously in no mood to tolerate someone questioning her, no matter how valid the questions might be.

It suddenly struck me as funny that he was so worried about me drowning, but not so worried about me drunk in the parking lot of a crowded bar that we had to leave quickly due to a fight arising from sexual aggression. How did that make sense?

“I am going to go put on some music,” I announced. Maybe it would lighten the mood. My mood.

Chapter Thirteen

I got up to go to the juke box and saw that William got up with me. It would have been a little much to tell him to sit back down in front of all these people, but I was tempted.

The juke box had a giant collection of country songs, but not much in the way of hip hop. I started looking for some fun classics that might get the girls in an upbeat mood.

William leaned in beside me.

“Can I have a word?” He asked.

He better not start lecturing me on swimming!

I gave no outward response. He took that as a ‘yes’ for some reason.

“I cannot give you words for how sorry I am about last night. Jessica, I...I won’t bother giving you excuses. The fact is, it was inexcusable. Not having you with me last night was more punishment than I think you realize. But I also know it wasn’t enough in your eyes. Please. I don’t know what to do, or say, that will redeem myself. I don’t know...Please.”

Must stay strong. Must stay strong.

“William.” My voice was somehow flat despite the chaos of my thoughts. I turned to face him. He looked haggard. His face was fraught with worry and his body language was anything but the proud and confident man he showed to the world. “Look. You always say how much I mean to you. What a great fear of yours it was that I might leave. You get mad at me for not being 100% confident that you won’t tire of me, and you are beside yourself angry when I do something that you think puts me in harm’s way. All this you drill into me.

“You make yourself seem better than human. Like the perfect God I often think of you as. You hold yourself, and me, to this high regard, to these impossible rules. Then you do something that an ape wouldn’t do. That a dog wouldn’t do. You forget me. You leave without me in the parking lot of a club filled with chaos. Leave your date. Your girlfriend. What you call your heart, behind. In a damn parking lot, drunk, after a big fight! You take off with my friends, and leave me behind.”

I didn’t realize I had started crying. “How can I forgive that?” I also didn’t realize I would utter those words, and once I did they sounded stronger than I intended, but exactly as I had been thinking. I couldn’t imagine myself without William. Not for a second. But I realized in that moment that it was no bluff. If I was not important enough to be remembered, then that was not a healthy situation for me.

Why did I pick now of all times to grow up?!

He looked at me like his world flipped upside down. He was expecting hurt feelings, me to torture him, but eventually he banked on me giving in. I realized this was exactly what Gladis had been getting at. In future he would always weight how much crap he would have to go through to make up for something he did wrong. If it was worth it to grovel for a few days, he wouldn’t blink about doing something he knew I wouldn’t like. It would get further and further, he would push harder and harder, until eventually it would get unbearable. I had been there many times, never realizing until now that this was how it started. This was the beginning.

Not all battles would be fought, and most things I would just let go, but he had to know that I would walk away if it got too bad. That I could walk away. He had to know it in the beginning when it would affect his decisions to come, instead of at the end, when it was too late.

I also knew he would test me the same way, eventually. It was an equal partnership, and both parties had to know it. We weren’t in the 50’s anymore. Thank you kindly, Gladis. You were right, and I owe you one.

If this worked out.

William was was staring at me with glossy eyes. What was there to say?

I turned back to the juke box and finished my selections. William stood there for a second, mute, before walking away. He headed toward the bar.

A bucket of cold water fell over me as I realized I might have just ended our relationship. I might have just cut off the one person that made me happiest. The ending to my fairytale. My prince. My Apollo.

I moved to run to him, but Lump and Claire stepped up to either side of me. They leaned toward the juke box as if helping me with songs.

“If he doesn’t come back, it wasn’t meant to be,” Lump said quietly. “He’s got to want to come back.”

“Yeah, you gotta let him go, Jess,” Claire affirmed. “Let him think on it. If he feels that strongly, he’ll find a way. He’ll regain your trust.”

“But...he has my trust.” I was sobbing quietly. I felt Jane’s hand on my back.

“Lump, go over and piss Adam off,” Jane whispered. “He wants to come over to Jessica. Find a way to send him to Willie instead. Or just sit and fight with him. Flem is trying but flirting isn’t working and she doesn’t piss him off like you do.”