Give Me Tonight(44)

"Did you love him?"

"I loved both of them. I loved Peter with my mind. I was safe with him. But I loved Raif with my heart. I loved his passion, his wildness. It was impossible to choose."

"But you ended up marrying Peter."

"Yes. I was afraid to take a chance on Raif'."

"What happened to him?"

"After the marriage, he stayed on at the ranch for several months. I begged him to leave, but he wouldn't give up, even after he found out I was going to have a baby. It was hell—you can't know . . . Lord, you can't imagine. I had no peace, not for one minute. I found out the difference between loving a man with your mind and your heart. I came to realize the mistake I'd made, and I wanted to die of misery. I made a deci­sion, that I'd run away with Raif. Nothin' was as im­portant as he was, not money, family, honor. Not even Peter. We were goin' to leave together, after he came back from drivin' a thousand head of cattle up to Dodge. But one night on the trail, the longhorns got spooked. Crazy animals—they'll stampede at any­thing, even a sneeze. And Raif was killed."

Addie was flooded with sympathy. "Caro . . . I'm sorry . . ."

"That was ten years ago. Enough time has passed by to make it tolerable. I couldn't bear it at first. But I had Peter, and I've always loved him in a certain way. That gave me enough strength to live through the grief. I'm married to a special man."

"I think you're special," Addie said softly, and meant it.

"Me? Why?"

"Because of the way you've survived."

"Oh, there's no trick in that. You might be surprised by the things a person's able to survive through. There's always somethin' to hold on to. There's always someone that needs you, somethin' that needs your attention. It takes your mind off feelin' sorry for your­self. "

"But it makes me afraid of loving someone, the thought that I'might lose him."

"You can't let yourself worry 'bout that. It's better to have love for a little while than not at all, isn't it?"

Addie laughed huskily. "I guess. I'm not sure." Caroline regarded her for a long moment. "Right now I like you more than I ever have, Adeline. For a little while I thought Daddy had finally done it­spoiled you rotten to the core. But he hasn't. You're a sweet girl. "

"Thank you, " Addie said, her eyes suddenly bright. For the first time she felt as if the two of them were family. She realized that she did care about Caroline. She felt a bond between them, of trust and affection, so strong that it seemed it had always been there. She felt as if they were sisters. It had happened all at once, like the flip of a coin. How short a distance it was from indifference to love.

Caroline leaned closer. "I'll tell you somethin' only Mama and Peter know," she whispered.

"You don't have to tell me any of your secrets."

"I want to. I want you to remember what I've told you. Don't ever be afraid of lovin' someone, or you'll make the mistake I did. I don't let myself think of the might've-beens. It would hurt too much. But I have something very special to remember Raif by. More than memories. The greatest treasure he could've given me."

Addie went very still. "Leah?" she asked inaudi­bly, her mouth barely framing the name.

Caroline nodded and smiled tremulously. "You've been so sweet to her lately, spendin' time with her. You have a special feelin' for her, don't you?"

"Yes. Oh, yes, I do." Addie leaned over and hugged her tightly.

"Before I was married to Peter, Raif and I had a few days together," Caroline whispered. "He never knew it was his baby. I promised Peter I wouldn't tell him. But just lookin' at her reminds me how much Raif loved me. Every woman should be loved like that, Adeline, at least once. "

"Sometimes I wish for that," Addie said humbly, while she burned inside with longing and hope, and relentless doubt. Involuntarily she thought of Ben, his sensual smile and threatening charm. "And some­times I want to be unattached forever." Like Leah had been. Leah had had a fulfilling life in spite of being unmarried . . . she'd been happy . . . hadn't she?

Not always, a small voice whispered inside. Leah had worried that Addie would turn out to be a spinster too. And she had been so wistful sometimes. There had been many lonely, quiet hours for her. Yes, there had been a part of Leah that must have wished for a husband and a real family.

"Unattached forever?" Caroline repeated. "I wouldn't want that for you, Adeline. Think of all you'd miss out on."

"But what if I fell in love with the wrong man?"

"Wrong by whose reckonin'? Mama's? You'd most likely be best off with the kind of man she doesn't want for you. Someone like . . . well, like Ben."

"Why do you mention him?" Addie asked, sud­denly irritated. "What do you see in him that I don't? If you're hoping that something will develop between Ben and me, you're going to be disappointed. I just plain don't trust him. How do you and everyone else know that he won't go bad? How do we know he won't turn mean, or turn on Daddy, or something else just as awful? He's attractive on the surface, but inside . . . why, there's no telling what he's really like."