Finding Perfect (Fool's Gold #3)(74)

Raoul rushed in and raced to her side. “Pia.” He bent over her and took her hand in his, then kissed her forehead. “Are you all right?”

The worry and concern had her crying again. But instead of backing away, he leaned close and wrapped his arms around her.

She cried and cried until she felt empty inside. Until there was no way to find relief.

“I lost one of the babies,” she said, the words hoarse in her swollen throat.

“I know.” He smoothed her hair. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not. It’s not okay. I’m the reason. It’s my fault.” She felt her eyes fill again. Grabbing his hand with both of hers, she stared into his eyes. “It’s my fault. I did this. They were never real to me. I didn’t want to tell you, but they weren’t. I knew in my head I was pregnant, but I didn’t feel it. I wasn’t maternal. The baby knew. It knew and now it’s gone.”

“Pia, no. That’s not what happens.”

“It is. I did it. I was out with Charity yesterday. She wanted to look at maternity clothes and I didn’t. I didn’t want to think about how big I’m going to get, or what’s going to happen to my body. Then I freaked out about the furniture. I didn’t even know how many diapers a baby uses in a week.”

The tears flowed again, trickling down her cheeks. “Crystal trusted me. She trusted me and one of her babies is gone and I can’t fix it. I can’t make it better. I loved her and she believed in me and look what I’ve done.”

Raoul shook his head. He looked uncomfortable and helpless. “Sometimes babies don’t make it.”

She raised her bed a little, so she could see him more easily. “There’s more. I’m the reason.” She swallowed, knowing she had to tell him the truth, even if it meant he would walk away from her forever.

Maybe that would be for the best, she thought, feeling sick to her stomach. Then when the babies were born, he could have child protective services take them from her so she wouldn’t damage them further.

“I got pregnant when I was in college.”

RAOUL DIDN’T WANT TO HEAR anything more. He knew where the story was going, what she was going to say. Anger grew. He pulled his hand back.

Pia was talking. He forced himself to listen, to pretend he wasn’t judging.

“I knew he wouldn’t marry me, and I started…” She gasped for breath. “I started wishing the baby would go away. That’s what I thought in my head. How everything would be better if it just went away.”

She closed her eyes. The tears continued to flow, but they no longer touched him.

“Then it did,” she whispered.

“It didn’t go away,” he said harshly. “You did something.”

She nodded. “I know. The baby knew or sensed and then it was gone. Dr. Galloway said I can’t take responsibility. That not every baby starts out right and when they don’t, nature takes care of things. That’s the medical explanation. The baby wasn’t right. But it wasn’t the baby, it was me.”

He stared at her, confused by what she was saying. “You didn’t have an abortion?”

“What?” Her eyes opened. “No. Of course not. I was figuring I’d give the baby up for adoption. I even had a few brochures. But it was gone, just like today. That’s what I kept thinking. That I was being punished for not wanting that first baby. So I don’t get to have these.”

His anger and sense of betrayal faded as if they’d never been. Shame replaced them—for thinking the worst of Pia. She was nothing like Caro. He already knew that.

He returned to the bed, grateful she hadn’t noticed his retreat, and pulled her close again.

“I’m sorry,” he said, apologizing for his mistake.

“You didn’t do anything.”

He would tell her later, he thought. When she was better.

“Neither did you,” he told her. “You’re not being punished.”

“You can’t know that.”

He looked into her eyes. “Yes, I can.”

“I lost one of Crystal’s babies.”

“No,” he said quietly, for the first time understanding exactly what had happened. “We lost one of ours.”

Twins, he thought sadly. Twins, not triplets.

Her eyes widened. More tears came. “You’re right,” she said on a sob. “Oh, God. Make it come back.”

A prayer that would never be answered, he thought sadly as he held her.

They hung on to each other for a long time. When she seemed to have calmed down a little, he sat next to her on the bed and stroked her face.

“I look terrible,” she said. “Puffy and swollen and miserable.”

“You’re beautiful.”

“You’re either a liar or you need your eyes checked.”

He gave her a smile, then let it fade. After kissing her mouth, he said, “Don’t for one minute think it’s your fault. It’s not. It can’t be. Blame comes with a deliberate action.”

He paused, then decided it was time. “You know that I was married before. Caro was a former beauty queen turned local news anchor. We met at a charity function in Dallas.”

Pia leaned back against her pillows. “Is it okay to hate her?”