Fever (Breathless #2)(59)

“I understand,” she said softly.

He shook his head. “No. You don’t. And you shouldn’t have to. You explained what happened, and while I don’t agree with what you did, I had no excuse for the things I accused you of. I have a temper, baby. You’ll get to know that as well. I’m not used to things being beyond my control. But what you need to understand is that I’ll never hurt you. Or at least I’ll try very hard not to. Physically, it isn’t ever going to happen. But I’ll say shit because I’m pissed. I was afraid and I don’t handle that well. I can’t guarantee it’s never going to happen again. But you need to know ahead of time that I’m not going to mean it. I know I’m asking a lot, but I need for you to be able to ignore me when I’m pissed and saying shit that hurts you. I’ll try like hell not to do it, but I know me. My friends know me. I’ve been a dick to the people I care most about. You. Gabe. Ash. My own sister. But I know it hurts you. You aren’t used to me. You can’t see what’s behind the anger and the things I say in the heat of the moment. But you will know me, Bethany. You’ll know me because I’m not going anywhere, and what’s between us is only going to grow stronger. I need you to believe that. I need you to want it as much as I want it because that’ll tell me that you’ll stick around and weather it with me.”

Her eyes rounded in shock. Her expression was one of utter amazement. She gripped one of his arms, her fingers digging deep, and he doubted she even realized it.

Her lips parted and he waited as she collected her thoughts. He could see her processing all he’d said. Hell, he wasn’t even sure he’d processed it yet. This spilling his guts was not something he indulged in on a regular basis. Or ever, for that matter. He’d never felt so goddamn vulnerable in his life and he didn’t like it one bit.

He felt as though someone had opened him up and he was bleeding out in front of her.

“So what do you want from me?” she whispered. “I mean, really want? What am I to you, Jace? A fling? A temporary submissive? A charity case? You have to understand that I’m scared too. I don’t know what you want from me. You’ve done so much for me but I’m afraid to embrace it because all I can think is that if you toss me out tomorrow, it’s going to be that much harder to go back to my life. I’d rather never have known you and been able to savor our relationship than to suddenly be stripped bare and return to the existence I’ve led until now.

“I’ve lived it most of my life. Even the parts of my life when I wasn’t on the streets weren’t happy years. They were years of survival, of hoping for the best and usually not getting it. I’m okay with that life. It’s all I’ve ever known. But you’ve shown me a different life.”

Her voice cracked and the pain hit Jace in the chest, nearly suffocating him. He wanted to pull her into his arms and stop the bloodletting but he knew she needed to say this. They both needed it so they could forge ahead.

Tears filled her eyes and she looked so afraid that it gutted him all over again.

“You’ve shown me how things could be,” she whispered. “And I want it, Jace. I shouldn’t want it. I shouldn’t even dare to dream that something so beautiful could happen to me. But I want it all the same. But if you’re going to take it from me, if this is only temporary, some amusement for you, then I don’t want it because it will kill me to go back to my life.”

Tears slipped silently down her cheeks. To his shock, he found his own eyes burned, as if someone had thrown sand in his face.

“And I know it sounds crazy for me to be asking you this. We’ve known each other for such a short time. And it’s not fair for me to demand this of you. But I have to know because I can’t go back to where I came from after dreaming of how different things could be. Of dreaming how it would be to be with a man like you. Someone so far out of my league that I can’t even wrap my brain around it. Don’t lie to me. I need to know if that’s all this is to you. Just something to pass the time with. A new challenge. Please give me that much respect at least and let me go if I’ll never mean anything to you.”

No longer able to listen to the aching pain in her voice, he crushed her to him, holding her so tightly he could feel her heart thudding against his chest.

“God, Bethany. Jesus, baby, I don’t even know where to begin.”

“With the truth,” she said against his neck.

He pulled her away, his hands sliding almost frantically up and down her arms. He wanted to give her so much. Comfort. Reassurance. The words swirled in a cloud in his mind, but he had to get this sorted. He owed her the words. The truth she’d asked for, even if it stripped him utterly bare before her.

He sucked in a breath and leveled his gaze at her, hoping like hell she could see the sincerity in his eyes.

“The truth is I’ve never felt this way about another woman. The truth is I’m f**king obsessed with you. The truth is I want you in any way I can have you. The truth is if you told me right now that you could never submit to me, never give me what I want so badly from you, that it wouldn’t matter. I’d take you any way I could have you. The truth is I’m not letting you go.”

Hope stirred in her eyes and it hurt him to see how quickly she made it go away. As if she was afraid to allow that emotion in.

“I’m never letting you go back to the life you’ve led up ’til now, Bethany. No matter what happens with us. And even if you ever decide I’m not what you want or need, I’m not letting you go back there. Even if you won’t be with me, you’ll always be taken care of and provided for. Do you understand that?”