Don't Hate the Player...Hate the Game(76)

Maddie’s expression softened as she touched my arm. “Just admit to me that you’ve changed—for the better. I mean since we’ve been friends, look at all you’ve done. You’ve connected with your father, you’ve accepted your mom’s remarriage and a baby on the way, and Josh—” her voice broke. “You were able to connect with him on a level that surprises me.”

My emotions were churning. I knew what I wanted to do, but something inside wouldn’t let me. Some part of myself that I’d overcome was slowly weaning its way back. Suddenly, I understood Jake completely. I understood how he couldn’t truly be himself. There was always that ass**le part that played out. I did the only thing I knew how to do and that was to shut down and turn on her.

“What is this shit, huh? What is this desire of yours to “fix” everyone?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh come off it, Maddie. It’s a plain as day. What is your prerequisite for a guy? Does he have to be some screwed up, emotional jackass before you’ll give him the time of day?”

“No! That’s not true!” she argued.

“It looks that way to me. You found Jake and fixed him up. Seems like you’ve fixed me too. But I’ll tell you something, Maddie. I don’t like being your project!”

“Stop it, Noah. Don’t do this.”

“Do what? Tell the truth? That’s what it looks like to me. You seem to have a funny way of falling for fixer-uppers. But what happens when I’m completely whole? Would you walk away?”

“I’d never leave you.”

“And what about you, huh? Who’s gonna save you from yourself?”

Tears welled in her eyes. “Please.”

I shook my head. “Oh, I see. You don’t play fair. You can dish it, but you don’t want to take it. You’re the good little girl who tries to save everybody—Jake, me, your brother, your parents. But what about you?”

“I thought this was about us,” Maddie whimpered.

“It’s never been about us, don’t you see that? It’s always been about Jake, my dad, Josh and Will, and all the rest of the shitty baggage between us. It’s never about the players, remember? It’s about the damn game that makes us act and react the way we do!”

“Please don’t do this, Noah,” she whispered.

“Do what? Be honest? I’m just trying to do what you’ve taught me, Maddie. To be the person you want me to be!”

Maddie shook her head. “But can’t you see?” she cried. “I love you! I love you more than I ever imagined I could love a guy. And it scares me, okay? It scares the hell out of me!”

I stared at her in disbelief. She really loved me. God, I’d wanted to hear her say that for so long, but it had the opposite effect I thought it would. It stunned me where I was speechless. I wanted to cry out how much I loved her to, but it was like something was binding me, and I couldn’t speak.

When I didn’t respond, she shook her head. Then she glanced down at the ring in her hand. “Give this to Presley.”

“What?”

“She needs it more than I do.”

“But Jake meant for you to have it,” I protested.

“It doesn’t matter. She and her baby will need it.”

“What, to keep the Jake myth alive and kicking?” I asked.

“No, to validate the truth. The truth that’s in this notebook. Jake was going to stand by Presley, and he was going to be a father to his child. This way, it’ll give all the gossips the hard evidence they need to believe the unfathomable—that Jake Nelson wasn’t a selfish jerk, and he was a man of his word.”

Maddie took my hand and placed the box into in. She closed my fingers around it. “Two good-byes in one day. And I owe money to the cuss can,” she mused.

I didn’t know what else to say. I felt jumbled—bound and gagged by my own foolish pride and stupidity. After everything that had happened and everything I had felt was I honestly going to stand here and let her walk away? I was screaming on the inside, but nothing would come out.

“Good-bye, Noah,” Maddie said, softly. Then she turned and walked out of the back yard. I didn’t know how she was going to get home, but clearly, she didn’t need or want me to take her.

I must’ve stood frozen in the middle of the yard for at least an hour. How in the hell had I gotten here? I’d gone from being desperate to keep her to driving her away. I’d let her stand in front of me and tell me she loved me, and I didn’t say a damn word.

I was a total f**ked-up mess.

***

Chapter Twenty-Two

I stayed in my room most of the day. Mom wasn’t on call, so she checked on me throughout the afternoon. Each time she cracked my door, she found me sprawled across the bed, staring up at the ceiling. She never pressed me to open up or questioned me about what was wrong—I guess she just wanted to make sure I hadn’t slit my writs with my razor or something emo like that. I don’t know how she knew what had happened with Maddie—I guess it was just the Sixth Sense she seemed to have whenever I was upset. Probably the fact that Maddie stormed away earlier also helped her reach her conclusion.

Closed off in my bedroom, I didn’t watch TV or listen to music or even text anyone. All I did was think. I thought about Jake until my chest constricted so hard I thought I would suffocate. I thought about Maddie until my already weak heart felt like it would explode in agony. And finally, I thought about what an incredible idiot I was.