Death Wish (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #5)(70)

“Maybe you should start,” I snapped.

“It was just a feed, Alexa. Nothing more.”

“Isn’t that what Bianca is for?” I glared daggers at Shaz. “To meet all your nasty little needs?”

Shaz fidgeted and squirmed, like he couldn’t get comfortable. “Not anymore. It’s over with her, Lex. I mean it. The look on your face when you opened that door, I’ll never forgive myself.”

“Oh,” I drawled sarcastically. “I guess that makes it ok then.”

“Alexa, watch your mouth,” Arys scolded. “You might say something you’ll regret.”

My temper flared. “You’ve been incredibly helpful, haven’t you? Conveniently so.”

A storm of emotion crashed over me. It was more than just anger or hurt. It was everything together in an overwhelming tornado of pain and fury. All I really wanted to do was cry. I hadn’t really had the chance yet. However, Arys was sitting there with a cocky know it all expression and a challenge in his eyes. He was the perfect target for my rage.

“Do you think it makes me happy to see you in so much pain? To be able to feel it and know there’s nothing I can do to take it away?” Arys asked, maintaining his calm, cool demeanor. “I told you I wanted to kill her. You refused. The pup has f**ked up, but you could have stopped it.”

“Are you out of your mind?” My temperature rose steadily until I was flushed with heat. “I’m not taking responsibility for what he’s done.”

“Then take responsibility for refusing to be what he needs.” Flippant and self-assured, he oozed arrogance. He thought he was right. Unfortunately, he usually was. “The two of you could be feeding your hungers together. Your refusal is selfish ignorance.”

I couldn’t recall ever wanting to slap him as bad as I did then. I had a tirade ready to unleash on him. The need to vent everything was strong. Then I realized it was exactly what he wanted. Arys knew if I used up my fury on him, I wouldn’t lay into Shaz.

Suddenly, I didn’t want to rant and rave anymore. Having a willing outlet ruined my mood. I sat heavily in the leather recliner chair perpendicular to the couch. With my head in my hands, I cried.

Crystal clear tears streamed down my face. I tried unsuccessfully to wipe them away. They came in a torrent as everything I’d been burying inside over the past month exploded forth.

Shaz broke first, unable to sit and watch me cry. He sank to his knees before me on the floor and dared to lay a hand on my shoulder. “Lex, I’m so sorry.”

I froze at his touch. All I could think about was how his hands had been all over her. “Don’t touch me.”

He jerked back as if I’d burned him. In some way, I had. Numbness crept in to make me feel detached. I heard myself hollowly say, “I think you should leave.”

“No,” he shook his head desperately. “I need to make this right somehow. I need you to know how sorry I am.”

Shaz reached for me again, stopping himself when I stiffened. I was falling apart inside, and I didn’t want him to watch it happen. “I want to believe you. I do. I just can’t look at you right now.”

I couldn’t. Seeing the agony in his jade orbs caused the last of my strength to crumble. I longed for the forest, ached to be wolf. Leaving my human body wouldn’t erase the pain, but the union I shared with nature only as wolf was healing. Raoul’s house was gone. It was time to move closer to the forest.

Shaz waited another minute before walking out. I hated myself for throwing him out, but it was best for both of us. I had to fall apart and put the pieces back together before I’d be ready to face him.

I listened to his car pull away with a squeal of tires. He was upset and rightfully so. I turned to Arys to find him watching me with a mixed expression of intrigue and dismay.

“You wanted that all along, didn’t you?” I asked bitterly. “For him to come to you willingly.”

Arys inclined his head in a nod. “Of course. But, it’s not my intention to cross any lines with you. He came to me before, Alexa. You knew this could happen. Would you truly rather he seek out the thrill with someone else over me?”

“No.” I felt like a pouty child, but wasn’t I entitled to my feelings? “I trust you with him. I don’t like being left out of it though. Feels too much like him with her.”

“Fair enough. I apologize, but I assure you I would never take it farther than a quick bite. Not with him. He needs to be in a controlled situation, which I can provide for him.”

Arys made a good case. If Shaz was getting off on the bite of a vampire I trusted and loved, it would keep him away from The Wicked Kiss. I’d accept it, but I didn’t have to like it.

“Just another damn junkie. Like me. Like all of us.” Tears continued to roll down my face though the sobs had subsided.

I wiped them away angrily. The war between rage and pain continued inside me. Arys let me have my moment of angry tears. He really did understand me better than I gave him credit for.

I had to go back to the bathroom to blow my nose and splash some cold water on my face. My eyes were bloodshot from crying. I stood in there for a few minutes, regaining my composure. I pushed my damp hair back from my face and concentrated on deep breathing. I could do this; I had no choice. I’d had my heart trampled before, and I’d come out stronger for it.