Breathe (Sea Breeze #1)(56)
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Chapter Eighteen
Sam didn’t sleep at night. He slept wonderfully during the day while I worked, but in the evenings he stayed awake. Jessica seemed to be in some sort of depression, and when I came in the door, she handed me Sam and went in her room and cried. Ms. Mary said this was normal. Jessica suffered from the “Baby Blues,” so I didn’t worry about it, too much, except I wasn’t getting any sleep. Jessica slept all night, and if I tried to wake her, she burst into tears. When she cried, Sam cried, so I just left her alone. He and I bonded during this time. I talked to him about everything I couldn’t say to anyone else. I told him about life with Jessica and how he would love her, but not to ever expect a normal mom. I assured him that he’d be fine, because I would always be there if he needed me. I told him about Jax. I emptied my soul to a newborn baby, but it made it easier to breathe freely again when I talked about him. Sam cooed and smiled and kicked. He liked for me to talk, so I did. I made him happy, and it helped me cope.
No matter how special these times in the wee hours of the morning were, it still wore on me. I fought the urge to crawl up in a corner at work and sleep. Some nights Sam slept two hours at a time, if I would put him beside my bed. Those nights I always functioned better having had at least five hours sleep. Jessica and I didn’t talk much. When I came home, she went in her room to cry and listen to 80s music. I always took Sam to her before I left each morning, fed with a clean diaper and clothes on for the day. I called her from work and reminded her about feeding time because she just didn’t seem to have it together. I was starting to get nervous about leaving him at home with her, but I reminded myself she was the mom, not me.
School started back. Marcus had left two weeks before, and I stood in the yard and waved as he drove away. At first, I panicked because I worried about what would happen if I found myself back in the dark blanket. But then I remembered Sam, and Jessica’s unstable behavior, and I knew that scenario could not happen. I had someone to take care of now. I couldn’t lose it again. My life no longer belonged to me. Sometimes, it seemed like my time with Jax happened in another lifetime. But then the memories of his smile and his laugh reminded me of how close we had been to happiness. I sighed and grabbed my book bag and gazed down at Sam, sound asleep. I left my door open and left him in the bassinet by my bed. I opened Jessica’s door, and she turned and stared at me with red swollen eyes.
“I’m going to be late if I don’t go. I fed him an hour ago, and he has on a clean diaper. He is asleep in my room.” I stopped there and forced myself not to give her any directions on taking care of her child.
She yawned and stretched. “All right, thanks, Sadie. I know I have needed you a lot lately. I just can’t seem to get it together.” She sounded almost wounded.
I nodded and left her there. I didn’t know what to say to her, because what I wanted to say was “Grow up! You have a baby!” and I knew I couldn’t, so I just left.
My bike ride to school was short, and I was there and in the building in plenty of time to find my new locker and my first period class. People watched me, and a few whispered, but I ignored them and focused on my task at hand. I received a top locker this year in the middle of the hall. Apparently, the seniors were given the better locker location.
“Hey stranger,” a familiar voice said behind me, and I turned to see Amanda.
I hadn’t spent much time with her because she didn’t hang out with her brother and his friends. “Hey Amanda, how are you?”
She smiled and shrugged. “Great! Finally a senior!”
I smiled and wished I cared. “Yep, finally seniors,” I said, feigning excitement.
Her eyes seemed sympathetic. “I’m sorry about everything that happened and all. Marcus told me some of it before he left because he wants me to watch out for you and call him if you need him.”
I couldn’t help but smile at her words. “Your brother is a very good friend whom I do not deserve,” I admitted and turned to put the rest of my books in my locker before I ran late for class.
She chuckled. “Yeah, well, that would be because he wishes you cared about him like you do Jax Stone.” She froze and bit her lip when she saw me wince. “I’m so sorry, I... Marcus told me not to talk about Jax….”
I shook my head. “No, that’s fine. People are going to talk about him, and I am going to learn to deal with it.”
She nodded, but she didn’t seem too sure. “Well, I had better get to class. I’ll see you around later, maybe. We might have some classes together.”
I smiled and nodded. “That would be nice.”
She grinned and turned to walk away, but stopped and looked back at me. “I, well, is um...okay I don’t know if this is off limits to talk about, but is ‘Don’t Cry’ about you?”
My throat tightened as I remembered the song I had listened to countless times, curled into a ball as I let the memories wash over me. Lately, I had stopped listening to it because it put me in a mood I could hardly escape. Sam needed me, and I couldn’t do that to him. I wanted to believe the song was for me but I didn’t know for sure. I knew the chords I had heard him working on them when we were together. But I wasn’t sure if it had anything to do with me.
I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know.”
She gave a sad sigh and walked away. I took a moment to compose myself as the words filled my head. I had to get a grip and get to class. After several deep breaths, I turned and went to room 223. I started my day off this year with trigonometry. How exciting.