Avoiding Commitment (Avoiding #1)(89)

For what she hoped was the last time she went out that day, Lexi pulled into the parking lot at the coffee shop. Her eyes traveled the familiar building her heart aching with memories. She entered through the side entrance to avoid getting a glimpse of the counter area and her all too familiar study space. She breathed in the rich aroma of freshly brewed coffee and appreciated the dull green glow that emanated from the lamps resting on every table. At least this light didn't hurt her already damaged eyes. She saw Clark nestled in an overstuffed couch next to the fireplace with two cups sitting before him. They both appeared to be untouched.

Their eyes met across the room. She felt frozen in time in that second as she stared across into his emerald orbs. Clark had always been so intuitive, so knowledgeable. Even from her spot rooted to the floor in front of the entrance, she could tell something had changed in him. In the short time they had been apart, he had come to a decision. A decision that Lexi knew would change everything.

Lexi meandered through the crowded room, and plopped down next to Clark on the sofa. He handed her one of the cups. "Black, like you like it," he said taking a sip of his own cup.

That was strange enough in itself, because Clark didn't drink coffee. He was one of those self-motivated people who could survive the morning without that extra buzz. She eyed his cup like it might explode any minute. He followed her gaze to his cup, and revealed a half smile that quickly dissipated. "It's hot chocolate," he confessed.

"Oh."

"Look you're probably wondering why I asked you here," he said.

Lexi didn't really wonder that. She knew why she was here. He needed time before to think about things, and then after thinking things through he was ready to break up with her. He might love her, but Clark wouldn't be second best. He wouldn't just let this slide. However, all she said was, "I guess."

"I just…can I just ask you something?" he questioned putting his cup back down on the table and turning to look at her.

"You just did," she said meekly. "But sure go ahead." She wasn't sure why he was prolonging this. Really it would just be better for him to get this over with. Cut the strings and all that.

He gave her another half smile before it fell off of his face again. A curl fell into his eyes and he quickly pushed the hair back into place. Lexi hadn't even realized he had let his hair get so long. He normally cut it all off before it was long enough for her to play with. How had she missed the fact that she was able to run her fingers through his thick mess of curly hair? Had she been so lost in her other world that she hadn't really been present in this one? Her heart contracted painfully at the knowledge that she would never again have the privilege of playing with his beautiful hair.

Had Jack been right? If the roles had been reversed, would she have given everything up? Would she have willingly given up Clark? Her eyes followed the curly hair down to the five o'clock shadow across his chin up to the plump lips and then finally resting on his hazel green eyes. Now with him right in front of her, she just couldn't be sure.

"Do you want to be with me?" Clark asked breaking her out of her thoughts.

"Of course I do," she said without another thought.

"Why…" he began taking a deep breath. "I want to ask why would you do this to me if you claim you want to be with me, but I know that is a useless path to take. You did it because of Jack. I should have known all along. I should have seen the warning signs. I did see the warning signs. I just didn't want to believe that anything had happened. I wanted us to stay exactly where we were. We were happy right?" he asked his eyes pleading with her.

"Yeah. Yeah, we were happy."

"I knew from the get go what Jack meant to you. I could see it every time his name was mentioned. I could see it every time he was near you. I knew it every time you had to run away from him. You did that to save us. I can see that now," he said. "Then, I forced you guys to be around each other. What did I expect by doing that? I should have known that by me doing that you guys wouldn't change. You guys would only continue to harbor the same affection you felt previously. Right?"

Lexi gulped and then nodded.

"That's what I thought. Now, I didn't think you guys would sleep together. I thought that perhaps you would be smart enough to realize that this would be done if that happened."

Lexi gulped again even harder. There he had said it. They would be over if that happened, and it had. She had told him with her own voice that they had slept together. That fateful night back in May. That wonderful night that her and Jack shared had sealed the outcome to this conversation.

"I guess I didn't expect it to continue. I tried to just turn a blind eye. I tried to be with my girlfriend, but you weren't the same girlfriend. I guess you haven't been for a long time," he said his eyes momentarily darkening. "That's when I couldn't deal with it any longer. I just couldn't be with a shadow of the woman I love. And that's what you've become." He reached out and took her hand. She was so shocked by his grasp that she nearly dropped her drink. "So please Lexi, baby, my dear, my sweet, my love, answer me honestly. Do you want to be with me?"

Her heart fluttered at his words. After everything they had been through and all the good times they had shared, did she really want to give that up? Jack didn't want her. She had to know that by now. He wanted Kate. He had all but come right out and said that earlier today. They couldn't be together. A part of her felt like she was dying with that thought. Jack had been such a large part of her heart for so long, she wasn't sure if she would ever be the same person without him. As cheesy as it sounded, she felt complete with him. Completeness she had never felt with anyone else, not even Clark. Yet Jack didn't want her and she needed to move on from that.