All These Things I've Done (Birthright #1)(52)

It was peaceful on the Ferris wheel. It took forever to get started because the operators waited until the whole thing was loaded to run it. The November air was cold and I could smell something burning in the distance. Win had put on aftershave and it was minty, though not quite strong enough to cover the scent of burning.

I didn’t much feel like talking, and Win seemed to understand that.

At some point, the wheel made it to the top. I could see water and darkness and land and beyond that the skyline of Manhattan, where I had spent my whole sad life. I wished I could stay up there forever. Everything awful happened on land. There was safety in elevation.

‘I wish I could stay up here forever,’ Win said.

I leaned over and I kissed him. The metal basket we were in began to sway and squeak.

The only person I told was Natty. I didn’t even tell Scarlet. Scarlet was much occupied with being Lady Macbeth. (Hecate turned out to be a far less demanding role.) If she noticed that Win had begun eating lunch with us again, she didn’t remark on it. In addition to the play, Scarlet was busy with a romance of her own – Garrett Liu, who was playing Macduff.

At school, Win and I made sure never to be seen alone. Scarlet was usually with us, and I never waited for him by his locker or anywhere else.

Win and I were still lab partners in FS II, and this was probably the most exquisitely torturous hour of my day. I wanted to touch him, to hold his hand under the lab table, to write him a note, but I never did. I knew that our relationship could not continue if our peers started to know about it or to talk about it. Once that happened it would surely get back to Win’s father, and I didn’t think our silly teenage love affair would survive that.

So, it was torture.

Yet, for as long as it went on, the keeping of the secret was sort of thrilling in its way.

The school day before the opening night of Macbeth, Scarlet had to go to an additional rehearsal so Win and I were left at the lunch table by ourselves. It would have been strange for us not to eat together as everyone knew that was where he usually sat. Still, I suggested that we go eat with his friends in the band, but he thought it would be better if we just stuck to the usual routine.

That lunch seemed to stretch on forever. Being with him and yet not with him was unpleasant. To be alone and yet not alone. We spoke of the play, his band, the weather, our plans for the holidays, and other safe subjects, as if fearful that discussing anything more interesting would reveal more than we wished to reveal. The wooden tables were narrow, and at some point I felt his knee push up against my knee. I moved my knee, but his knee followed. I shook my head, only slightly, and narrowed my eyes. At that moment, Chai Pinter from our FS II class sat down next to Win. ‘Hi, Win,’ she said. ‘Annie.’ She began to chatter stupidly about some concert she and her set of friends were going to over the holidays. I could barely pay attention because she kept touching Win a lot. I mean, a lot. One moment, her hand was on his hand. The next, it was on his shoulder. The next, she was brushing his hair behind his ear. It was all I could do not to reach across the table and strangle her with my bare hands. I took a deep breath and coaxed myself back from the dark side.

‘So do you want to go?’ she asked. ‘Because I’ve got an extra ticket. I mean, it’s a big group of us, so it’s not like a boy-girl thing . . . I mean, unless you want it to be?’

Was this happening? Was I watching someone ask my boyfriend, albeit my secret boyfriend, on a date in front of me? I wondered if perhaps we had done too good a job of covering our tracks. Again, I had an impulse to reach across the table, only this time it was Win I wanted to grab. I wanted to kiss him on the mouth in front of everyone and mark him as mine, mine, mine.

‘No, sorry,’ Win was saying. ‘It’s a really nice invitation but my girlfriend wouldn’t like it.’

‘Oh,’ Chai said, ‘you mean Alison Wheeler? She said that was just a friends thing.’

‘No. From my old school. It’s long-distance.’ Win lied so easily that I almost wondered if he actually did have a girlfriend at his old school. At that moment, the bell rang, and Win stood to leave. ‘See you around, Chai.’ He nodded at me. ‘Annie.’

‘Long-distance girlfriend, huh?’ Chai said to me. ‘Well, those never last.’

‘I don’t know,’ I muttered. Then I grabbed my books and tore out of the cafeteria. I ran down the hall and in the direction of Win’s sixth period, which had changed to English. I knew I could be late to my own sixth period because that was Beery, and Beery was in the theatre, finishing the play. I tapped Win on the shoulder. ‘Excuse me,’ I said. ‘Could I have a word with you?’

He nodded, and I led him into a storage closet that was next to the school theatre, and then I kissed him. Kissed sounds so much more tame than what it was. I pressed my body up against his, and then I stuck my tongue in his mouth as deep as it would go, and then I put my arms around him. ‘I’m tired of this being a secret,’ I said.

‘I know,’ he agreed. ‘But you said that this is the way it has to be.’

When we left the closet, the halls were empty. Sixth period had started.

The theatre door swung towards us, and Scarlet emerged.

‘Oh hey,’ she said. ‘Where did you guys come from?’ She seemed a bit distracted, which I imagine was because of opening night.