A Need So Beautiful (A Need So Beautiful #1)(60)

“I’m not kidding!”

“Do you think I am?” I snap, pulling back my hood. “Look at me! Look what’s happening to me!” And all at once the world crashes down on me in a heavy wave. I’ve lost everything. Lost Harlin. Lost my face. And soon, I’ll lose my life.

I’m shaking with sobs as I curl up in the passenger seat. Monroe gently touches my hair. When he speaks, his voice is soft.

“I’m sorry I didn’t do more for you,” he says. “I wish I could have prepared you better, prepared you for the loss. But I thought trying to keep you hidden was right. I thought it’d keep the Shadows away long enough for you to cross over.”

There’s a lump in my throat and I swallow it down. “Nothing could have prepared me for this,” I murmur into the fabric of the seat.

“It was never just about the Forgotten,” he says. “You know I’m going to miss you madly, don’t you? You’re the only person who tells me off on a daily basis.”

I sit up, looking at him. He’s crying, his eyes darting between me and the road. Despite our fighting, Monroe means a lot to me. He’s like family. He is family.

“You’re all I have,” he says with a quiet whisper. “And despite what you may think, I’m proud of you for being so brave, for doing these things when they’re so hard. But I always knew you were a good girl. That’s why it’s you. That’s why the light is in you.”

I close my eyes, tears streaming down, and let his words comfort me. “What will happen when I jump?”

“The light will burst out. People will feel a second of love, peace. Everyone will be touched. You will give them a reason to go on.”

“And after me?” I ask.

“There will be another Forgotten. And another. Until all the Shadows are gone.” He looks over at me.

I nod, wiping at my nose with the back of my glove. “You’ll make a sucky father someday,” I tell him. “I feel sorry for the kid that doesn’t get to burst into light to get out of your house.”

He chokes out a laugh. “Is it my sarcasm?”

“No, but I’m guessing you’ll expect a complete angel.” I grin.

“I suppose I would.”

“Plus your accent is totally obnoxious.”

“I’ll try to remedy that.”

I pause, my smile fading as we watch each other silently. “I’ll miss you too,” I murmur. And then Monroe nods and turns back to the road.

“I have some things at the office,” he says. “Some ways to disguise the transformation—latex and makeup. But it’s not completely foolproof. Harlin and Mercy might be able to tell the difference if—” He stops.

“If they can even remember me?”

He nods.

“A rubber face,” I say to myself. “Can’t I just burst now or whatever it is that I’m supposed to do?” I might as well since I’ll never see Harlin again. The thought hurts like a punch, so I push it away. I won’t think about him again. I can’t.

Monroe shakes his head. “It’s not your time yet,” he says.

“Do you have the itinerary? I seem to have lost mine.”

“Don’t be a smartass.”

“It’s what I do, Monroe.”

We pull into the clinic parking area and I wait as he comes around the car to let me out. “Just keep your head down,” he says. He adjusts my hood and pulls it down to shield my face as much as possible. He puts his arm over my shoulder, turning me toward him as we walk to the front door. It opens with a jingle. He’s moving fast and I nearly stumble.

“Dr. Swift,” Rhonda calls, standing up from behind her desk. “You had several calls while you were gone. I told them—”

“Not now, Rhonda,” he answers quickly, ushering me forward and to his office. “I have to work with Charlotte on something.”

“Who?”

Monroe and I both stop, but I don’t look up. My heart is frozen.

“Charlotte Cassidy?” he says slowly.

“Oh . . .” I hear in her voice that after working together and knowing me for close to ten years, my name is only vaguely familiar to her. I silently say good-bye to Rhonda.

Monroe shifts on his feet, obviously distraught, and tightens his arm around me. “I don’t want to be disturbed,” he adds.

“Stop squirming.”

“It’s cold,” I say, cringing every time he wipes the brush along my face. Monroe has created a smooth, latex-based makeup that will cover the gold. But it’s thick. It makes me look like I’m wearing too much foundation, but it’s better than walking around gold and glowing.

“There,” he says, stepping back to admire his work. “Of course, this only really works for the face. It’s too complicated to make a batch large enough for the entire body.”

I shrug. “No one sees my body anymore.” I wonder if, like Rhonda, Harlin has forgotten me already.

“It’s for the best,” Monroe whispers. I’d told him about the fight with Harlin and how he broke up with me when I wouldn’t tell him the truth. I also explained about the lawyer and how the man who killed Harlin’s father would go to jail. Monroe agreed that I shouldn’t interfere with the Need. That if Harlin knew, he might somehow affect it, and who knows what could happen. He said I did the right thing by leaving Harlin’s. I want to believe him.