A Need So Beautiful (A Need So Beautiful #1)(55)

Cold air prickles over my face as my eyes begin to tear. Was Onika right? Maybe Monroe never cared about me. Maybe I was just a way to finish his destiny. He never wanted me to have a choice. He just wanted me gone.

I flip through a few more entries, feeling sick from the clinical terms, the unemotional way he describes me. It’s like I’m not a person at all. He’s been studying me like a goddamn lab rat. The next two pages are the same, just writings about my life. I’m thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. Each entry preceded by my medical stats. Like a patient—not a friend. Not family. With only two pages left, I just let the tears stream down my cheeks.

2/15

There is a boy in Charlotte’s life. She’s never really expressed interest in dating before, so I was surprised when she mentioned him at work today. I’m worried.

If Charlotte doesn’t choose the light, I fear I’ll be trapped forever. I used to dream of her on the bridge, standing in the rain, ready to cross over. She would fall and then I would be free to walk away, leaving the journals for the next Seer to carry on.

Only now, my visions of Charlotte have stopped, and I wonder if it has to do with her boyfriend. That maybe he’s a Shadow, or that maybe . . . she’s falling in love with him. Charlotte has to make the right choice. I’m hoping her process will speed up because I’m tired. So tired.

9/12

It’s happened! She’s changing and I can’t believe how beautiful it is. It’s been so long since I’ve seen it, and now that I have, I’m filled with such calm. Amazement. I know now that it’s been such a gift to help this higher purpose, even if it’s the hardest thing imaginable.

But this time is different. I know what I’m supposed to do and I know that I want my part in destiny to end . . . but I’m not sure I can let Charlotte go. I care for her. I don’t want her to experience the heavy loss that’s coming.

“Help her to her end.” That is the mantra that’s running in my head, a thought placed there by something other than myself. And I know I have no choice but to do what I’m told. But when Charlotte goes over that bridge, the last piece of my heart will go with her.

After I read the last page, I let the journal fall from my hands and onto the cement before I cover my face. I fight back the urge to scream as I squeeze my eyes shut. I’m going to disappear. There is no way to stop it, not unless I go with Onika.

The sound of an approaching bus breaks the silence in the air, and I pick up the journal, sliding it into the pocket of my coat.

When the bus stops in front of me, I climb on, half-dazed. Monroe’s been studying me. Even though he claims to care now, maybe it’s because he’s so close to being free of me. Free of the Need. Can’t really say I blame him.

I’m about to lay my head against the seat when I see Sarah’s high-rise condo on the water. I wonder if she’s home. She hasn’t texted or called back, and I’m worried as I jump up to get off the bus.

A doorman stands in front of the building—someone I’ve known for years—and I smile at him as I pass. But he just nods his head politely without any hello, like maybe he doesn’t know me.

Don’t let it bother you, I tell myself. Instead I cross the lobby to the call boxes and punch in Sarah’s number. When there’s no answer I try it again, but after a few minutes, I realize she’s not home. What if she’s in the hospital? I take out my phone, about to call her again, when the double doors at the front of the building open.

“Thank you, Gerald,” she says, waving her hand absently as she walks in. I’m completely relieved to see her. She’s okay.

“Sarah!” I yell from across the lobby as she heads for the elevator. She glances sideways at me and then stops, smiling softly. “I texted you,” I add when I catch up to her. From this close up she looks bad. Her skin is pale and pasty, like someone with the worst hangover in the world.

“My dad took my phone,” she says, looking at the ground. “God, I’m so sorry about last night. I really screwed up.”

“Why did you do it?” I ask. “Why would you drink so much? You could have died.”

“I was desperate. I just wanted it all to go away.” She meets my eyes. “The other night at this benefactors’ dinner, Seth asked me to go outside. While we were out there, he walked me over to the side of the building and we hooked up. Then—”

“I already know that,” I say.

“You heard?”

A frightened tingle runs over my skin. “No, you told me. At my house, remember?”

Her eyes widen. “No. I haven’t told a soul.”

“Sarah, you came to my room after I didn’t show up for lunch. I was home because I got hit by that car and you—”

“You were hit by a car? When did this happen?”

My breath catches in my chest and I step back. “No,” I say, putting my hands over my mouth. I can’t handle this. I can’t handle her forgetting everything.

She reaches out to touch my arm and her fingers feel like ice. “Oh wow,” she says, laying her hand flat on my skin. “You’re burning up. Maybe you have a fever.” She looks like she just realized something. “That’s probably why you’re confused. Do you want my driver to take you to the clinic?”

I’m not sure what to do, where to go. “No. I can’t go to the clinic,” I say, and turn away from her. If she’s forgotten, does that mean—?