he: A Novel(58)

Bill Seiter bitches all the way back to Los Angeles.

Trust us to find the only two virgins on Catalina Island, says Bill Seiter.

Not only did Bill Seiter fail to get Gladys into bed, Bill Seiter didn’t even catch her second name.

He, on the other hand, knows exactly where to find Virginia Ruth Rogers.





114


Sons of the Desert begins filming. Bill Seiter does good work on the picture – not so good that he will be petitioning Hal Roach to hire Bill Seiter again, but good enough.

During filming, Babe issues a statement announcing his reconciliation with Myrtle: We are making a new start, realizing that we owe to each other the duty of taking our just share of blame for any past misunderstanding, with the acknowledged determination to achieve and preserve our newfound happiness.

The rest of the statement reads the same way. He has to go through it three times just to figure out what exactly is being said.

You didn’t write this, he says to Babe.

– Ben put it together for me.

Ben Shipman, he thinks, will never write a sonnet.

– What about Mary, and the punch on the nose?

– All water under the bridge.

Babe plays with his fez.

I suppose you think I’m crazy, says Babe.

– I don’t think anything of the sort.

– I do love Myrtle. You’ve seen her when she’s not drinking. She’s a different woman. I can’t abandon her. It wouldn’t be right.

– Where is Myrtle now?

– In Rosemead.

Back in the sanitarium. Drying out.

So this is what Babe has decided: he will be a husband in name only, trapped in a marriage in which he is the guardian to an alcoholic, and in torturing himself he will do penance for cheating on Myrtle with other women.

Viola Morse has gone the way of the divorce proceedings. She and Babe are temporarily estranged. Babe has replaced Viola Morse with Lillian DeBorba, who is the mother of a child actor, Dorothy DeBorba, one of Our Gang. Dorothy DeBorba is capable of crying on cue, which endears her to Hal Roach who admires any actor that can produce on demand, especially if the actor works cheap. Babe has managed to secure Lillian DeBorba a part as an extra in Sons of the Desert, so they will have an excuse for being seen together.

He, meanwhile, is dating Ruth. He visits her boutique shortly after returning from Catalina Island, buys some neckties, and asks her out. Only when he manages to convince her that his divorce is imminent – he would not be the first man to make such a claim in order to get a woman into bed, and so this process of persuasion takes some time – does Ruth agree to a date.

As with Babe and Lillian DeBorba, he has managed to secure Ruth a part as an extra in Sons of the Desert, so they will have an excuse for being seen together.

He knows about Lillian DeBorba, and Babe knows about Ruth.

But no one else does.

He is back in Ben Shipman’s office. It is October 9th. They are engaged in a final consultation about the divorce hearing, which will take place the following day. He is not entirely sure why his presence is required in the office. He and Ben Shipman could have clarified any remaining details over the telephone.

Ben Shipman is softly spoken. Rival attorneys often find themselves leaning forward just to hear what is being said by Ben Shipman, which is when Ben Shipman sucker-punches them.

Just as Ben Shipman does with him, right now.

Who exactly, Ben Shipman asks, is Ruth Rogers?





115


The newspapers all take a similar approach to reporting the divorce hearing, which is some variation on the old line, also uncomfortably familiar to Babe, that life with a comedian is anything but funny. Lois accuses him of being absent from home for long periods, and refusing to tell her where he has been upon his return, but this is now about the limit of her complaints. It could, as Ben Shipman tells him, be much worse, especially if someone had discovered that his new girlfriend, who is not even an actress, was working on his latest picture. The day before, Ben Shipman has exercised himself considerably while explaining to him just how foolish he has been in consorting so openly with Ruth.

He has never been shouted at so quietly.

The judge grants the decree. There is no reason why the judge should not. After all, he is not contesting it. In fact, as Lois reiterates in court, he recently told her that she could not get a divorce quickly enough for his liking, which is true. He regrets it now. He is a private man, and wishes that all these words spoken in anger could have been shared with the judge in a less public forum, but the law requires it this way.

It is ritual.

It is theater.

Lois gets the house, and custody of their daughter. Some horse-trading remains to be done over the alimony payments, but Ben Shipman warns him not to expect much mercy.

So it’s done, says Ben Shipman. You have what you wanted. I’d suggest that you don’t immediately go parading your new girlfriend around town, but when have you ever listened to anything I have to say?

They are drinking in Ben Shipman’s office. It is late in the afternoon. The building is quiet apart from a low, nauseating buzzing, the source of which he cannot locate, but that he fears may lie in his own head.

How do you feel? asks Ben Shipman.

– Whatever it is, it’s not what I thought I’d be feeling.

– You expected relief, maybe?