he: A Novel(57)

– Look, I’m getting divorced. I can’t speak for Babe and Myrtle. You could try asking them.

– I would, if I could find them. Babe has checked out of the Beverly Wilshire, and there’s no answer at the house.

Ben Shipman sits back and ruminates. It is a marvel to Ben Shipman that two apparently sensible men can lead such convoluted personal lives, especially this one who appears, in every other regard, so meticulous and regimented. The only positive aspect, as far as Ben Shipman can tell, is that his clients’ personal problems are emerging at a time of general marital disharmony in Hollywood.

Douglas Fairbanks leaves Mary Pickford.

Douglas Fairbanks, Jr divorces Joan Crawford.

Lottie Pickford, Mary’s sister, divorces Russel Gillard.

Mae Murray divorces Prince Dave Mdivani, who claims to be the son of a Georgian czar, except there are no Georgian czars, so the story is that Prince Dave Mdivani is a fraudster who has left Mae Murray penniless. Meanwhile, Prince Serge Mdivani, Prince Dave’s brother, is being sued for maintenance by the opera singer Mary McCormick. Prince Serge Mdivani is previously married to Pola Negri, but drops Pola Negri like a rotten apple after she loses her money in the stock market crash, then marries Mary McCormick and starts spending Mary McCormick’s money instead. A third Mdivani brother, Prince Alexis, is romancing the Woolworth heiress Barbara Hutton, circling her like a shark.

The Mdivanis marry and divorce so often that they are known as the Marrying Mdivanis.

Eleanor Boardman divorces King Vidor.

Janet Gaynor divorces Lydell Peck.

Maurice Chevalier divorces Yvonne Vallée.

Alice Joyce divorces James B. Regan.

Lola Lane divorces Lew Ayers.

Marian Nixon divorces Edward Hillman, Jr.

Chester Conklin divorces Minnie Conklin.

And that’s not even half of them. Being a divorce lawyer is good business in Hollywood in 1933.

So if Ben Shipman’s clients can manage not to sock any more women on the nose, and avoid fake reconciliations, and quietly go about the business of divesting themselves of their respective spouses, it may just be possible for them to emerge with their reputations intact.

I know you’ll work it all out, he informs Ben Shipman.

– I admire your optimism. In the meantime, look unhappy, especially in front of reporters. The unhappier you appear, the less alimony you’ll have to pay. And keep away from women. I don’t even want to see a picture of you helping a nun cross the street.





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He enjoys fishing. He has always fished, ever since he was a boy. He finds a kind of peace in it.

It is Hal Roach who suggests that maybe he should take a break from his troubles by going fishing.

– It will do you good. Bill Seiter has a boat. You two ought to get to know each other.

Bill Seiter is to direct their next picture, Sons of the Desert. He hasn’t worked with Bill Seiter before, so he asks around. Bill Seiter has a reputation for being unable to smile. Someone suggests that it may be congenital. Bill Seiter also brings in pictures ahead of schedule and under budget, which may explain why Henry Ginsberg has assigned him the task of directing Sons of the Desert. Bill Seiter brings in pictures ahead of schedule and under budget because Bill Seiter never deviates from the script. Bill Seiter distrusts improvisation.

It might, as Hal Roach suggests, be wise to work on Bill Seiter.

Bill Seiter owns a yacht, the Victoria, which Bill Seiter has bought to impress his wife, the actress Laura La Plante, who was a big star at Universal but is now on the slide. Laura La Plante is fucking the director Irving Asher, so Bill Seiter will soon be left with a yacht and no wife. But Bill Seiter is salving his wounded heart by fucking Marian Nixon, the same Marian Nixon who is in the process of disencumbering herself of her second husband, Edward Hillman, Jr.

He considers introducing Ben Shipman to Bill Seiter, and maybe Marian Nixon too, just for the money, but decides that it might not be good for Ben Shipman’s digestion.

He and Bill Seiter set out for a weekend vacation to Catalina Island.

You know, he tells Bill Seiter, on our pictures the script acts as a guide, but it’s not carved in stone. Babe and I like to make up gags as we go along. Ideas will strike us on the set, and we’ll test them to see if they work. If they do, they go in the picture.

– I prefer to stick to the script. I think it’s important.

– Well, I appreciate that, but if this picture goes well, and I enjoy working with you, then we could look at doing some more pictures together down the line.

Bill Seiter will soon be getting divorced. Divorces are expensive.

Bill Seiter gets the message.

It’s always good, says Bill Seiter, to try new things.

Despite Ben Shipman’s warnings to the contrary, he does not intend to lead a monastic existence for his two days on Catalina Island. Nobody goes to Catalina Island for the weekend in order to read an improving book. People go to Catalina Island to drink and to fuck.

He and Bill Seiter spy two women on the deck of the Avalon, the ferry from Wilmington. By the time it docks, he and Bill Seiter are waiting. They invite the women to join them for lunch on the Victoria, the women accept, and a couple of hours pass pleasantly enough. The women’s names, they learn, are Gladys and Virginia, although Virginia prefers to be known as Ruth. Bill Seiter makes a play for Gladys, and he makes a play for Ruth, but nothing comes of either, not even when the women discover his identity. Bill Seiter also later makes a play for Ruth, which he doesn’t like. Neither does Ruth, and she lets Bill Seiter know it.