he: A Novel(56)

– What did Hal say?

– Hal said a woman being clocked is only funny in pictures, and Hal wasn’t even sure about that.

– And did you hit Myrtle’s sister?

– It was an accident. I went to the house to talk with Myrtle, and Mary was there. She said she wouldn’t let me see Myrtle unless she could also be present, so I told her that whatever I had to say to my wife was a private matter. Next thing I know, Mary is waving papers at me, right in my face, so I took them from her and waved them right back, except her face wasn’t as far from my fist as I thought, and I bopped her one, right on the nose.

Babe sips his coffee. Babe isn’t in the correct frame of mind to drink anything stronger, or not without consequences. Anyway, Ben Shipman has advised Babe to stay away from liquor in case Babe takes it into his head to do something silly, like trying to reason with Myrtle and her sister, and ends up bopping someone else on the nose.

I never hit a woman in my life before, says Babe. But if I’m to be sued for hitting a woman, I’m very glad it’s Myrtle’s sister.

– Have you spoken with Viola?

Under the circumstances, he judges it permissible to mention Viola Morse to Babe, especially as the newspapers are reporting the fact of her existence, even if she has not yet been named.

– She’s worried. I don’t want to see her reputation damaged by this. Ben is also worried. Ben doesn’t want a scandal. It’ll hurt me when it comes to alimony.

The mention of the word ‘scandal’ causes him to tense in his chair. It is not only Viola Morse’s reputation that is at stake here. The Audience does not want as its comic heroes men who have been branded adulterers and beaters of women. Even Chaplin has been damaged by the allegations made by Lita Grey during their divorce, and Chaplin is the biggest star in the world. No one is invulnerable.

And neither Babe nor Ben Shipman is aware of all that has been happening in his own private life. He is hoping to keep the nature of his activities unrevealed until the divorce is finalized, but he knows that he may have to open up to Ben Shipman if reporters come sniffing – reporters, or worse, because there is to be considered the manner in which Myrtle discovers the truth about Viola Morse: the unnamed operatives who sleuth on Myrtle’s behalf. If Lois were to take the same approach, and hire investigators, his difficulties could multiply very rapidly.

And you and Lois are definitely done? says Babe.

– We are.

– Funny that we’re in this together.

If it must be, he says, then I wouldn’t have it any other way.





112


No reconciliation, and no hope of one.

He tells everyone that asks. He tells Hal Roach in Hal Roach’s office, his feet resting on the head of the dead bear. He tells friends and family. He even tells Henry Ginsberg, who appears to be showing disturbing signs of humanity, although Henry Ginsberg may simply be trying to assess the potential damage to Bank of America’s investment caused by the marital woes of the studio’s two biggest stars, and is wondering if it might be used to justify a reduction in salary.

No reconciliation, and no hope of one.

On August 3rd, 1933, an announcement is made that he and Lois are to be reconciled.

And that Babe and Myrtle are also to be reconciled.

Which is when Ben Shipman summons him to the office.

Sitting in Ben Shipman’s office, he notices that Ben Shipman’s hair is turning gray. He decides not to comment on this out of concern that Ben Shipman may then feel compelled to explain the cause of his premature canities, and take this into account when billing him.

He tells Ben Shipman that Lois requested his company when he went to collect his daughter. They sat. They talked. They had a drink. They were civil to each other, which was something.

And now you’re moving back in with her? says Ben Shipman. What was in that drink – laudanum?

– I’m not moving back in with her.

Ben Shipman thinks that it may be necessary to call the Bromo-Seltzer people and advise them to start manufacturing bigger bottles.

– But it says so here, in the newspaper.

He has not seen the newspaper yet. He takes Ben Shipman’s copy and reads the story. It talks about doves of peace hovering, and his daughter being responsible for leading Lois and him back into the old paths of happiness. If it were any more cloying, it could be used to make treacle.

It stinks of Hal Roach.

– I never said any of this.

– So you didn’t intimate anything about Babe and his wife also getting back together?

This, too, is in the story, which is Hal Roach over-egging the pudding. Hal Roach is trying to protect his assets. Having his two biggest stars simultaneously involved in messy divorces is probably giving Hal Roach sleepless nights.

– If they are, Babe hasn’t told me. You know what they’re like. They prefer to live their lives behind closed doors. I suppose they might be reconciling, and Babe and Myrtle are still working out the details.

But, says Ben Shipman, I’m working out the details of the property settlement for their divorce with David Cannon.

David Cannon is Myrtle’s lawyer. David Cannon is probably also Myrtle’s sister’s lawyer. He does not know David Cannon, but David Cannon has his sympathies.

How, continues Ben Shipman, can we both be working on divorces for people who aren’t getting divorced?